For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.
For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.
Parenting
Help - Struggling relationship with mum
greengreengirl · 18/03/2023 18:31
I’m a first time mum and struggling with my relationship with my own mum. We’ve never had a close relationship for as long as I can remember and only seen each other on family birthdays/Christmas. We became a lot closer during my pregnancy as I am the first of my siblings to have a baby. When DD arrived last year she was a brilliant help, especially in those tricky first few weeks.
Our relationship started to weaken when my sister gave birth a few weeks after me. Obviously I understood that she was being there for her in the same way that she was there for me, except it was different. Constantly round at her house and when it came to seeing DD she would ask that I go to them so she can see both babies at once.
I understand for the sake of making everything easier but it felt like there was no time made specially for us because now there was another baby.
There is a clear favourite and it isn’t DD which wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t so obvious. She gushes and coos over my niece, always showing pictures and can literally talk for hours on end. ‘… did this’ ‘… slept this long’ ‘… was well behaved’ it goes on and on before ever asking about DD. She doesn’t talk about DD in the same way, it’s so clear to everyone in the family who the favourite is that they have even started to comment to me about it as well.
My issue is that I don’t feel they are treated equally - not in money terms as she does spend equal amounts, if one gets something then so does the other. It’s so upsetting to watch it happen but I know if I bring it up then it’ll be dismissed with a laugh and ‘don’t be silly’. It makes me want to spend as little time as possible together and I don’t even want DD to be around her if that’s how it’s going to be.
Has anyone been through anything similar and has any words of advice?
Newuser82 · 18/03/2023 18:58
I have no advice but there is definitely clear favourites with grandparents in our situation and it certainly isn't my kids. All I can say is try to accept it and just take the relationship for what it is. We brought it up several times and nothing has changed so just trying to take it for what it is. It's hard though x
Endlesslaundry123 · 18/03/2023 20:04
It sounds like your mum has some kind of control issue. It's really up to you to set boundaries to keep your child safe. Will your child be safe in a relationship where she always feels less than? Probably not. Will your mum change? You can ask her, but if she refuses then I would say you need to set some boundaries to keep your child safe. Look up resources on setting boundaries, and remember, it's not about forcing her to change (which is impossible: nobody can make anyone do anything they don't want to), but rather about deciding what you will do if she chooses to continue that behaviour. I would personally limit contact to keep your child safe if she won't recognise her behaviour and see how it could negatively affect your child, and make some changes.
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