Feeling like a complete failure as a parent

[Worrywartmum]

I just feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed. 36 weeks pregnant with DC2. I also have a just turned 18 month old DS. DS goes to preschool two mornings a week.

DS was born 5 weeks early and has been delayed in hitting his milestones since he was born, late to smile, sit, roll, crawl, walk etc. He’s my first baby and I absolutely adore him and if I wasn’t constantly told he was delayed in hitting these milestones I would think he’s a normal toddler. The latest delay is with speech (no talking) and the HV came out yesterday to assess him and although he’s behind his peers, she said there were no immediate concerns or major red flags but that we could refer him to speech and development at 2 if he hadn’t caught up by then. She left me a list of websites and activities to do with him to encourage his speech in the meantime.

Roll on today and picking him up from preschool and I mentioned to his key worker about the HV assessment and she mentioned a few other things such as the fact he’s still a little wobbly with his walking (been walking for a few weeks now) and that he will eat the paper in books if given any opportunity. She also agreed that he’s delayed with his speech and mentioned I should maybe contact my GP. I was too afraid to ask her what she thought was wrong and so I just agreed and left. She’s now followed up with a message asking if they can have the 18 month paperwork and if I can give them permission to contact my HV direct if they have any concerns which obviously I’ve said yes to but I now just feel utterly deflated and miserable. I can’t help but feel like I’m failing my little boy and he’s not developing as he should. I’ve been watching the videos on some of the websites given to me by the HV which are great but I just feel like a fucking terrible parent. I haven’t ever made him a sensory book or half the crafty things they have recommended I should have been doing.

I also feel terrible that I didn’t clock that eating books or random bits of paper wasn’t normal toddler behaviour. He also bites the side of his wooden cot which is also probably completely un-normal as well. I just feel like I try so hard to encourage healthy eating, socialising, going to parks, the farm, swimming, good sleep habits etc in between running a business and trying to keep on top of household chores, I’ve just completely dropped the ball here and I just feel overwhelmingly anxious and sad about always trying to do the right thing and obviously getting it completely wrong.

On top of this, I keep getting sent videos to the family group chat of my gorgeous niece who’s parents are very proud of her due to how advanced she is for her age but it stings and I hate feeling that way. Sorry for the essay and I suppose it’s not really a question and more of a vent because I don’t really have many people in real life I would talk to about this stuff.

Who’s got time to make a f*ing sensory book?! Surely that’s something you can buy (secondhand from a charity shop, they’re full of them!).

I’m no expert in toddlerhood, my baby’s only 10.5 months but you sound like you’re doing fantastic. You’re pregnant, working, maintaining a household and brilliantly looking after a little boy - and you’re still finding time to think and plan how best to help him develop.

I know other babies and children who eat books and the sides of their cot - there’s no reason for you to have thought anything unusual in that! If you worried about every tiny behaviour he exhibited you’d never have time to just enjoy him, I reckon.

I’ve also seen soooo many comments on Mumsnet about babies who didn’t speak until they were 2 or even older - but when they had it, they suddenly wouldn’t stop talking 😁 With a 5 week earlier arrival to the world, I’m not surprised he’s taking a little bit longer to meet certain milestones which, by the way, are so broad they really can’t be applied to every single baby by any measure.

The very fact you’re so caring and concerned proves why you’re NOT a ‘failure’. Please cut yourself some slack. Being so heavily pregnant with a toddler too - you’re in the thick of it all, and in just a matter of weeks you actually won’t be able to worry about this stuff as much cos you’ll have your lovely newborn added to the fold. Life will have to become survival mode yet again and I bet your toddler will surprise you out of nowhere with words when you’re not even expecting it.

Comparison is the thief of joy and I bet your toddler is perfect. Don’t underestimate the hormones wreaking havoc with your rational brain either. I recommend a nice book in the bath once he’s in bed and allow your mind to rest 💐

Coming from someone who works in nursery management, they probably want to push for extra support for your child and that has to be done the right way and probably want to identify if there are any Special Educational Needs. I would be in as much contact with them as possible as they will see a different side to him than you do at home and don't be afraid to ask them questions. It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong though that's pretty normal. Does he eat anything else weird? It could be a condition called pica (kids eat some weird shit!!)

Sounds like you're a great mum so don't be hard on yourself. Every child develops differently, my neice didn't start talking til 3 years old but always had good understanding.

What @moonseas said. I don't think I could manage everything you're managing right now, you're doing a stellar job. Honestly honestly. Let go of the guilt.

If you can try to think of it in a positive way, if your child does have some needs that may need extra support the fact that it's being picked up on so early is such a bonus. I'm a reception class teacher and the amount of children that come into reception who need outside agency support and haven't been picked up on previously is so high and then actually being able to get these children support takes an absolute age.

Eating paper and generally putting anything in their mouths is totally normal at this age. It is a way to explore something he finds interesting and will grow out of in time.
He may be slightly behind due to prematurity but unlikely to be anything you are doing. Also just as there will always be some children ahead of the curve there will also always be some behind. It doesn’t mean he will stay behind.
if you want to help his speech try to spend some one to one time at home with him. Turn everything off, tv, phone ringer etc and ignore any housework. Just sit and chat/play and make a big fuss of any noises or attempts to speak.