TTC second child while dreading the fact life will get harder

[Hazelnuttella]

My DS is almost 2 and we’re about to start TTC again.

I definitely want another child and feel like I want to be pregnant now. But I’m simultaneously dreading how difficult it will be. My DS is joyful but hard work and he was a very high needs baby.

I suppose it feels like self sabotage to deliberately make our lives more difficult when we’ve just got to a stage where most of the time it feels manageable. But we definitely want 2 children so I guess we have to bite the bullet.

Just wanted to chat really… does anyone else feel similar or am I just an eternal pessimist?

Feel the same!!!

I think you just have to remember it's a relatively short phase in life, they grow quickly and go for it!

I was similar to you I think and my oldest same age as you ds. I knew I always wanted more than two but was worried. We conceived when ds was 2.6 years old and when his brother was born it wasn’t as bad as I imagined, DS1 became more independent and having a newborn seemed less daunting than the first, he just seemed to slot in. DS2 has now just turned two and seems easier than my eldest was. I’m so glad I had a 2nd. Also time seems to fly by with the second, I can’t believe he is two already!

To add DS1 was a very high needs baby, DS2 didn’t seem so much, not sure if I was more relaxed the second time as I knew what to expect but I think that definitely helps!

I felt exactly the same, and even though she was planned, spent the first couple of weeks after I got pregnant crying about it (hormones probably didn't help). DD2 is 6 months now and honestly feeling that way seems a lifetime ago now - she's a real person that I adore as much as DD1 and could never wish away because she makes things harder, and she's actually been a much easier baby than DD1. The baby stage is flying by, and them playing together feels just around the corner. Keeping up with a 3-4 year old in terms of play has been really physically and emotionally draining, far more so than looking after an (admittedly pretty easy going) baby has been, so long term it's definitely making things easier rather than harder!

Good to hear it worked out well for you Rhino, that’s encouraging.

Just reflecting, I was quite bored and lonely on maternity leave… DS would only sleep on me in the day so I spent hours glued to the sofa trying not to move. When he was awake he cried a lot and was constantly being sick on me so I found it quite stressful going out.

I guess this time around I’ll be forced to go out and won’t be bored at least 🙃

3 year and 3 month age gap between mine, had worked perfectly
3 year old was at nursery with his free hours when baby was born
And now he's started school aged 4

I have similar feelings. We're thinking of starting in a few months or so, when DD is one. If we're going to do it at all, we have to get on with it because I'm 40 now, and it took a year and a number of losses to have DD1. 😕

DD1 has only just started sleeping. She's a delight but there have been possible allergies and digestive issues. It's been tough, as it is for all new parents. I had a textbook pregnancy and a successful, complication-free planned c-section, but a hacking cough, sprained risk, then covid made the first three months of recovery utter hell, and now my scar is keloid. I would opt for a VBAC next time if I could, but I have reservations about giving birth at all tbh!

My partner pulls his weight, and we're a strong, communicative team, but still... I worry. DC2 will undoubtedly make our lives more difficult. There's money to consider - we rent a 2-bed house in London, and as I find being cramped really detrimental to my mental health, we'll likely need to move to a 3-bed, which is insane ££££ where we live. If the new childcare plans in the budget actually happen, that will make life much easier, but if not, we'll find it very hard.

I worry about my age and the risk of having a child with disability/health issues particularly. I worry about the impact of the baby on DD1 who will still be so little; I can't imagine loving anyone as much as her, or sharing myself with another child, though I know love expands. I worry about my relationship, and how little time we'll have for each other - I miss my partner sometimes now, and we do make the effort! I worry about my career, and how there I things I really should achieve before having more kids, even though there doesn't seem to be enough time left. Lastly, I worry about my body and the strain on it, how tired I'll be. How any hope of ever looking remotely the way I did before kids will be gone forever.

All that to say you're not alone. It's crazy that considering all of the above, it's still not a NO, isn't it? The pull to have another has been strong for me since DD1 was very little, and I feel like I don't want to leave her with no immediate blood relative when we die. But I also don't want to screw up her childhood by being perpetually stressed and stretched. Aargh!

That’s a lot of considerations deliwoman, thanks for sharing.

The relationship bit is a good point… we’ve definitely moved to co-parent team /friend zone a little bit. I feel like we’ve just “paused” the romantic relationship bit because we don’t have the time/headspace. At least TTC will probably help on that front (temporarily) 😂

In a similar but opposite boat. DD is nearly 15 months and we are looking to start TTC in a few months time. She was a relatively easy baby - liked to sleep at night and slept through the night at 10 weeks corrected (16 weeks actual). She was always very chilled and slept anywhere and everywhere, and was just very happy and content and didn't cry unnecessarily much after the first few weeks. It was also when lockdowns had lifted but everyone was still WFH so my husband was around a lot.

I am terrified the next one will be a terror, my pregnancy was exhausting and high risk so worried about doing that again with a toddler in tow.

Life is much harder now but wouldn't change it for anything though sometimes I struggle being stuck in a lot. My best friend was off with me most of my first mat leave but her second is due in a couple of months so even if i got pregnant straight away it would only be a few weeks cross over.

My family often had my daughter for the day/night to give us a break but that's gonna be harder with two of them.

Also my daughter is adorable. And i am not saying that with rose tinted glasses on. she waves at people in streets and restaurants and people are always coming up to tell us how cute and adorable she is. Her nursery staff gush over her and she is lovely and just has a smile for everyone. I know i sound horribly arrogant. But i worry baby 2 just won't be as cute and adorable and i won't love them as much.

Sorry this thread has become somewhere for me to dump my fears as you said what i've been fretting about for months

Most babies are cute. They might be more hard work but I really wouldn't worry about them not being cute.

I felt/feel exactly the same. Due in July with number 2 after swearing I’d never have another after a really awful first year with perpetually grumpy, high needs, none sleeping DS. He turned a corner at ~ 15 months and became a truly wonderful (if exhausting) toddler. He’s 3 now, life is great and I’m terrified for the first year of 2…but we decided the short term pain is worth the long term gain. Good luck with TTC x

I felt like this to some extent. There's 3 yrs 4 months between mine. It's been v different second time round. In some ways easier and in some ways harder. Overall though I definitely enjoyed my second maternity leave more and DS is overall an easier baby than DD was, except for his poorer sleep but that has mostly resolved finally over the past 3 months or so. He's 17m now.

The worst thing we've found that we didnt really think too much about is actually illness. It's really rubbish being unwell and caring for a child, but twice as bad with two of them. We've had an unfortunate post-covid winter of endless illness since September. Literally we are lucky to get a week go by where none of us is ill. DH has used most of this past yr's annual leave entitlement on short notice absence for sick kids and on rarer occasions looking after them whilst I myself have been too ill to do it. It's been an absolute nightmare all winter tbh and really puts me off a third as I think I'd have to quit work because it wouldn't be possible to shoulder even more absence than we currently are (and DH earns almost double what I do so we can't jeopardise his career/job, it would need to be mine to go).

I clicked on this as we are thinking about a second / will almost definitely try for a second and i could have written @Bells3032 post. It resonates soooo much and our situations are v similar.

I feel quite guilty about the fact i had it "so easy" (DH wfh, family support so i had breaks, my baby sleeps through and is easy going and happy) yet still found it hard going and worry a second that is "difficult" might break me 😖😔 but then i think now i have had 1 baby so know what i am doing a bit more and i know how short a period the sleep deprivation high needs tiny baby phase lasts for.

Very interesting to hear the perspective of people having an “easier” baby 1st time and being worried about a harder one second time round.

My DS was really challenging, so in one sense I do feel slightly complacent like it couldn’t possibly be worse, and I could cope with anything if I really had to. But then I feel like that’s really tempting fate!

I felt the same as you. DS1 , 2.5 years, was a difficult baby who screamed all the time, and is now an easy going toddler who has slept through the night since 17 months. But like you I wanted a second child so we just went for it expecting another rough newborn/baby stage. But we were surprised... Ds2 is 7 weeks old and is an easy baby. I feel the transition to two was easier than to one and Ds1 adores his little brother.

I sort of feel similar - DS was an easy baby, but I had an absolutely horrific HG pregnancy and developed awful pre-natal depression and anxiety. It was traumatizing and terrifying and took me a long, long time to recover.

I'm pregnant with #2 now, but when she arrives, DS will be almost 4. I would not have been able to cope with an age gap any smaller. I also spent 24 weeks throwing up and feeling like I was going to die this pregnancy, and having DS able to watch TV and get his own snacks after pre-school was a gamechanger. If he'd been in nappies and needed everything doing for him, I would have been totally screwed.

I am a bit worried that this next one will be a non-sleeping nightmare. I DS slept through the night at about 12 weeks and loves his sleep as a toddler, so I'm not sure I'll get that lucky again...

I definitely felt like that before trying for our second but I knew ultimately we wanted to so we decided to just go for it, we were v lucky and fell pregnant immediately so didn't have long to dwell.
My first was so different, with allergies, reflux and a very high needs baby. 5 weeks into our and so far it has been a totally different experience. She is a very laid back baby, barely cries and so far we've had no concerning signs of allergies or reflux🤞.
My eldest is besotted and even that has all been smoother than expected.
We are also finding the tiredness easier as we just keep saying that it is just a phase and we know it'll improve! We know we definitely won't be having anymore so I am also trying to enjoy the tiny baby for the last time.

*My first was so difficult, not different!

There's 3 years and 2 months between my girls and it's brilliant. Baby slotted in like a dream and it's been honestly great.

I felt the same and we went for it and had 2.5 year age gap. It has been absolutely the best decision we ever made. FWIW, DC2 was much much easier. Watching their sibling relationship has been the very best part of parenting.