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Parenting

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If you are separated, how do you divide contact?

8 replies

TJsMum8014 · 17/03/2023 07:30

My kids' father only has the kids for around 24 hours every fortnight. We're quite new to this so I'm not sure how to go about it but I think the kids would like more time with him and I could do with the extra down time so just curious how everyone else does it.

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 07:41

How old are the children

does he want more

worried4698643 · 17/03/2023 08:02

You cannot force extra contact.
Does he want more hours?
Do the children want more hours?

Some nrps are absent, some have 5050, and anywhere inbetween.
There is no right/wrong/normal.

Ringmaster27 · 17/03/2023 08:10

My exH (amicable separation) has a job that means he doesn’t have contact Mon-Fri because the logistics just don’t work with DCs school etc. So he has them every other weekend and more during school holidays, as his annual leave usually falls during those times.
He likes everyone to think he’s “superdad”…but the odd occasion where I’ve been stuck for childcare for work, or something comes up and I need someone to have the DCs for a couple of hours, you’d think I’d asked him for kidney 🤨🤨👍🏻
So we will stick with the current arrangement. I’m not going to push for him to be more involved from my end. If he wanted to be more involved, he would be pushing for it.

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TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 17/03/2023 08:11

When I first separated my kids dad would have them every weekend, but about 18 months ago he changed it to every 2nd weekend. He wasn't sticking to his days initially but when he cut down his time he sticks to that mostly.

TJsMum8014 · 17/03/2023 08:56

I don't want to force anything, the children both want to spend an extra night, as I said.

OP posts:
TJsMum8014 · 17/03/2023 09:07

3 and 9.
He seems to, posts on Facebook : "every moment is precious" etc, wants to take them out for days on my weekends, or take us all to lunch so he doesn't have absolute responsibility but when I have asked previously for him to make his weekend longer, he evades the topic, "usually goes to the pub on a Friday night" or doesn't think the youngest would cope but now youngest is doing the asking.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 17/03/2023 09:16

We separated 15 years ago when the children were 5 & 2.

From the beginning they stayed with their dad 1 mid-week night and 1 weekend night & the following day every week.
The weekend night alternated, so one week Fri night & Saturday and the next week Sat night & Sunday.
The midweek night was initially Tuesday and he'd drop at school/childcare the next day. It then changed to Monday for logistical reasons.

School holidays the first year were more with me, but after than were 50/50.
Christmas and New Year were alternated, although I don't celebrate New Year and their dad does a family thing so over the years they've been with him more on NYE than with me.

The above worked REALLY well in terms of lots of contact with each of us - they saw their dad on 4 out of 7 days a week, albeit it only the evening or the morning.

It wasn't so good in enabling us to do things at the weekend, and for a few years we had a rotating 1 full weekend each a month and 2 split weekends. For various reasons that stopped and we went back to split weekend, but agreeing to the while weekend or swapping the days if something was happening - and neither of us were unreasonable about agreeing this.

The children are now 20 (at uni) and 17 (Yr 12). The 17yo broadly sticks to the above, agreeing different arrangements with us both as suits his/our needs. He makes his own way before and after college in the week, but is transported at the weekends due to rubbish public transport mainly.

They both had a room at their dads, he ensured homework was done, he took them to a club on his evening and to their sports at the weekends, he took them to friends parties at the weekend etc, he sorted their haircuts, he ensured they had clothes to wear at his his, they had toys, and bikes etc there. Things like coats, footwear & soorts equipment weren't duplicated, so we'd each make sure they had those where needed.

It hasn't been easy, on anyone probably - and I will always regret that their childhood wasn't 2 together & happy parents, but I think in the circumstances we've done a reasonable job of ensuring contact with both parents while also providing stable bases.

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 10:55

TJsMum8014 · 17/03/2023 08:56

I don't want to force anything, the children both want to spend an extra night, as I said.

Sadly, unless he wants more, then what the children want is irrelevant

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