HELP My daughter (6) has suddenly been really cold to me and prefers her dad and partner?! I am in bits.

[Mummaneedswine]

To give some background I have always been super close with my daughter, she is my world and shes always been a mummys girl for forever.

Me and her dad split up a year and a half ago and his parenting since has been questionable. She voices she dislikes him, the way he is with her and at times I have worried and considered her not going. She has been sent home after a weekend in the same pants I sent her in, knots in hair, no proper cooked meals etc. It has recently improved when he got a new partner in November who she was immediately introduced too and has spent time with. The reason I mention that is she has enjoyed going more since but I can't imagine its suddenly a novelty. I believe that has worn off and shes just content there.

Anyway, the past week she has asked to be alone while at home 3 times which is fine, doesnt want me to sit next to her etc. She is still talkative to me but seems cold. She said she missed her dad and his partner which was a massive shock and while it makes me happy she is happy there now shes cried about going to his for a long time so this is a new thing to say she misses him. I have talked to her and she said she doesnt want to be alone at daddys but does here and she doesnt know why. This morning I collected her and she hid and didnt want to come with me. He dad said she had said she is sick of going to mummys. Safe to say when I dropped her off at school I came home and have cried for an hour. I can't wrap my head around the fact she doesnt want to be around me and see me. Ive raised her and we have such a special loving relationship.

The only thing I can put it down too is that he earns a lot more than me, takes her out all the time, presents, fun constantly. I get her toys but I spend more quality time as I don't have the money for trips every weekend and any toy she wants.

Has anyone got any advice? Im really struggling emotionally and worried him and his partner are trying to out do me and win her over. I can't bear another woman being seen as a better "mum" or being preffered :-(HELP

I'm not sure I'd put it down to anything but the slightly capricious behaviour of a very young child really. I can see it's very upsetting though, but hopefully it will pass.

I honestly think you're totally over thinking it. She's growing up and testing boundaries and pushing against norms a little bit to see what happens. As a parent be her steady, calm, loving rock who is there for her no matter what and just listens and lets her explore her feelings. Take joy in what she takes joy in - even if that's her relationship with her father (at the moment, next month could be something totally different).

Don't accept any rudeness or hurtful language from her towards you but otherwise just let her be.

My 4 year old said recently she would have a happy childhood if she could live at granny's house all the time. I just smiled and said, it is wonderful at granny's isn't it? But I'd miss you so much I love having you here! We'll see granny on Friday.

That's all it needs to be. It stings a bit but it's not personal. It's normal.

Maybe she is happy to be alone when with you because she knows she is not really alone and you will always be there for her. She can't rely on her dad for that.

At 6 though, presents and exciting outings are bound to come into it. It sounds as if the new partner is having a significant input too.

Her dad said she had said she is sick of going to mummys.

Do you think your ex is being helpful here? Is he telling off your dd if she criticises you, and telling her not to be unkind, or is he making the most of this and badmouthing you?

💐for you, though. I'm not surprised you're upset.

I think children at this age are quite easily swayed away from a parent who has good boundaries in place and where day to day life with you is settled but normal.

My daughter loves her grandparents more than me (she tells me this frequently) because they don't get grumpy with her like I do sometimes and because whenever we see them we're on holiday so more fun is had than in normal times.

I can absolutely see that a child this age will favour the parent who spoils them more.

It's really tough but I think you sound as though you're doing a reasonable job of keeping level-headed about this and I think if you can sustain that she'll start to realise she's more comfortable with you and when she's a teenager she'll recognise that exciting outings/material things don't equal the better parent.

I agree with this.
My two always appeared to prefer granny’s house. This was because my parents had endless time an patience for them. When they were there they didn’t have to worry about anything other than keeping them happy. My mum is firm but it’s obviously easy to be patient when you get to send them home in a few hours!!
She knows you will always be there. Dads house being a nice place to be is still a novelty. And it’s does sound like her father is being deeply unhelpful and enjoying their switch in loyalties a bit too much.
Try not to feed into it, over analyse or try to get her to explain it. She can’t explain it, she’s 5. It will pass. Dad will slip up and it’ll be all change again.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. It's help me look from a different perspective. It is so hard as a loving parent to feel you arent liked or favored but I am happy shes happy there. I'd much prefer that than her be upset. Hoping I can keep my emotions together and not shed too many tears over it if it continues for a while! Thank you again <3

She sounds like quite a confused little girl at the moment. I understand your hurt but I think you should focus less on how it makes you feel, and more on how divided your daughter feels. She didn't ask for daddy to move out after all.

OP, I'm not separated from my DC's dad, but IME it's really normal for a 6yo to go through phases of preferring one parent to the other. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong and it doesn't mean anything bad for your relationship in the long term. If she says she misses dad or whatever, don't show that you're hurt, just say "I'm sure he misses you too, you'll see him again on Thursday".

Try not to take it to heart.
I suspect she's quite conflicted about her Dad and doesn't quite understand her feelings.
She pushes you away simply because she loves and trusts you - counterintuitive though it sounds, she's testing the boundaries but there's more safety in testing them with you because the bonds are stronger to start with.
She probably will behave perfectly at Dads because she's intrinsically less secure there.
Don't let your ex wind you up. Sounds like he's putting words in her mouth. Keep cheerful and reassure your DD you love her and are pleased she is having a nice time with Daddy (even if through gritted teeth)