Parents of high needs babies!

[TunaJacket]

I have a ten month old high needs baby.

I love him to pieces obviously, and we want two children. But if I was going to have another one like him, I’m not sure I can go through it again (especially with a toddler).

He cry’s in the car and pram, he’s a bad sleeper, needs constant entertaining or carrying around, fusses and cry’s when you change him or try and do just about anything with him.

For parents of high needs babies, were your other children easier? 🤞

High needs? Just a baby then? Not medical high needs?

I have DD 2.5yrs and DS 9 weeks.

obviously I only have 9 weeks of experience having 2 and anything can change!

However, so far things have been so immensely different. DD was as you describe your LO. She cried whenever in the car or pram (pram barely got any use until she was 6 months and started tolerating it), she woke hourly, would only nap in the sling being constantly bounced etc etc. DS has so far been so much easier in all of these aspects. I’m shocked at the difference and it’s made me realise how high needs DD actually was (first baby in lockdown and I assumed everyone had babies like this).

I think if you want two children you just have to take the risk and go for it. Every baby is different so don’t assume that your second will be like your first. Of course your second might also be high needs but at least you’ll have experience of it and it won’t be such a shock!!

Yes me! My firstborn was some kind of gremlin baby - never settled, screamed non stop, wouldn’t be put down, didn’t sleep. My second was a total peach and I would happily have 10 babies like him. They are 6&8 now and to be honest it’s the other way round these days.

Also, just to add that I think there’s a certain advantage in having a high needs baby first time round. I know of people who have had an easier first baby and their second more demanding baby has come as a huge shock.

My first two babies had very high touch needs, they needed to be carried for most of the day and to sleep with a piece of them touching me throughout the night, but I was happy with them being that way. I liked using the carriers for them as it kept my hands free, I could go wherever I wanted to without being tied down to the cot or pram. I am not a natural co sleeper and wouldn’t do it by choice but it got everyone more sleep, as in only 2-4 wakes per night instead of 4-6.

My first was pretty chill as a toddler as she has a cautious personality, but she was a climber and would try climb anything so eyes on was very necessary. The second was a bolter and would run if you turned your attention for a split second so obviously spent lots of time in the carrier, again, only getting down in safe spaces until out of that phase. Both slept through by the time they were 2, and didn’t need carrying around as much by 3, and have been happy mostly since then, apart from the oldest’s temper but that’s another story.

The third baby was a curveball as wanted holding all the time, again that’s fine for me, wanted to sleep touching me, OK no problem, I can do that. The problem was medical needs that I know about now but didn’t then. Meant they were unhappy pretty much 24/7, and nighttimes were very hard as they not only wanted to be near me but actively feeding all night long, or else they needed to be upright. Lying down without feeding was intolerable for them until 7-8 months and then they could manage the occasional half hour of lying down. Add that to being grumpy and screamy all day. Didn’t sleep through until they were 7 years old and had medication. So you never know who you are going to get.

My high needs baby is now a high needs preschooler. I’m sure there’s a diagnosis waiting for us one day but not sure what it is right now. Second baby was a baby in many ways - had bad colic for a few months, hated the car, has good tantrums etc. But so so so much easier than DC1 overall. Would have another if I knew they’d be like second baby. Both wonderful in their own ways though!

Not true ! There's a difference between high needs and just a baby then - a huge difference actually and if you have to ask that you wouldn't understand

I don't believe in high needs babies. Stop carrying him around and he will learn to play on the floor etc with his toys. You do not need to entertain the baby constantly and it's fine to let them cry for a while. If you had other kids this would have to happen anyway. For the baby to change you need to change by not rescuing at every whim.

I never considered DC1 'high needs' but was a terrible sleeper with separation issues. (A very anxious young person now.)

Consequently, there is a 5 year gap between them and DC2- and I was 40!!! I couldn't contemplate a second child until I was getting some sleep.

DC2 was a regular baby! Slept well, liked a routine, separated well. A much easier experience all round. I was diagnosed with PND 3 weeks after DC1 was born, so was closely monitored with DC2- but no PND whatsoever. Completely different for me.

My first was as you described, but second completely different. She would take big feeds and sleep solid for 3 or 4 hours very early on. Much calmer. Much more able to settle herself. Don't let it stop you from having a second child if it is what you want. Now she is almost 4 and my son is 6, it is the opposite. She is more difficult than him!

My first was a PITA, DC2 an absolute dream and DC3 normal! Oddly DC3 is the one with an SEN.

You a boomer by any chance? Freaking let the baby cry 😳🙄

No I'm not but I had a 3 year old and twins so I had no choice and I'm not saying leave the baby to cry for long periods I'm saying it won't hurt to put the baby down and let them be for a bit while you get on and do what you need to do. As for looking down on past generations as you seem to do kids have a lot more problems these days so don't knock it

@InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits would you mind elaborating on what the medical needs were for your third. I don't want to sound insensitive just similarities with some things you mentioned so curious.