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Parenting

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Original poster

Dd heard me and DH now im worried ive scarred her for life

15 replies

inkham · 12/03/2023 21:38

Dd9 heard me and dh having sex. This is the first time she's heard us. She was in tears and said shes scared? But knows what it was as she said its gross and asked why the heavy breathing!

Help..... in the morning when we talk about it i dont know what to say.

A) Yes we were and you shouldnt have come in as shouldve been in bed (theres a wall wheb you come in our room so she didnt see just hear)

B) Deny it

C) Much better answer that you will hopefully give me ?

OP posts:

Coffeellama · 12/03/2023 21:41

Not sure which is best, but I think A is deff the wrong answer and makes it her fault which isn’t fair, what if she was sick or something and needed to come in?

Im sure she won’t be scared for life anyway.

ourflagmeansdeath · 12/03/2023 21:43

I just know defo not A or B they seem terrible. Don't think she'll be scarred for life, just probably explain it isn't something scary. If she knows what sex is then surely you can just tell her it's something normal that adults do and she shouldn't be terrified.

And perhaps do teach her that she should knock, not that she shouldn't come in at all, but to respect boundaries and privacy.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/03/2023 21:45

Don't lie, and don't try to make it her fault for not being in bed. Just tell her the truth in an age appropriate way. Tell her that sex is normally a private thing, that you didn't intend for her to hear you and that you're sorry that you made her feel uncomfortable, but reassure her that it's a normal and natural thing between two adults who love each other, and nothing to be afraid of. And get a lock on your door/ keep the noise down in future.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 12/03/2023 21:49

An adapted version of A, explain in an age appropriate way that sex is normal, how she came into being, that you are sorry she heard and it upset her but you were in your private space and she needs to knock if the bedroom door is closed, just like she wants you both to knock to come into hers if the door is closed. Don't make it her fault, but establish how to stop it happening again.

BraveGoldie · 12/03/2023 21:50

Agree. Sounds like the heavy breathing - scary connection is what is bothering her. Heavy breathing/ sex sounds can sound a bit like being in pain, or one if you hurting the other- and it's important she isn't left with that impression. So maybe just remind her if other times we make funny/ heavy breathing noises that aren't sinister l, scary or painful.... (eg when you are on a fun ride at fair/ when someone is tickling you/ when you are blowing out candies if excited or surprised about something!

TheHouseNextDoor · 12/03/2023 21:50

Tell her the truth. Don't lie, she too old for that.

Dacadactyl · 12/03/2023 21:51

Just tell her that it is normal for her mum and dad to have sex. That the noises she heard are normal too. That you thought she was asleep. You are sorry she got upset, but she doesn't have to worry. Tell her it's better than hearing you argue!

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 12/03/2023 21:53

I mean, it's unfortunate but definitely don't rebuke her for having come in or make her feel worse about it -- it'll just cement the whole thing in her mind as a bad memory.

Equally, you haven't done anything wrong by having sex like normal couples do! So don't let your reaction be coloured by shame, as she will sense that.

What actually happened? Did she come down and come into your room because she was already scared about something -- or did she come down quite happy, just wandering around instead of sleeping, and then hearing you having sex is what supposedly 'scared' her? Because those are two separate things, of course, and if she was already upset about a nightmare or something the two situations might be kind of blending for her.

I would just say, look DD, of course it's pretty embarrassing, but you don't need to worry: nothing scary was happening. It's private though, so the best thing to do is make sure you always knock first and wait for me or daddy to answer if you need to come to our room at night.

Fromwetome · 12/03/2023 21:54

It's been two days, time for a weird sex post that involves children somehow...these types of posts are becoming so frequent, what the hell is going on??

Slimjimtobe · 12/03/2023 21:56

Could you pretend you were play fighting ? I have a 9 year old who has no clue about these things yet so I feel it is young to tell them

they know about babies and periods but not everything

orion678 · 12/03/2023 22:16

Slimjimtobe · 12/03/2023 21:56

Could you pretend you were play fighting ? I have a 9 year old who has no clue about these things yet so I feel it is young to tell them

they know about babies and periods but not everything

Please don't do this. I walked in on my parents having sex when I was a kid (I can't recall my age, but it was before my parents had given me "the talk"), and my mom tried the play fighting excuse. I love she was lying, and the thought of my parents play fighting was somehow more disturbing

Squamata · 12/03/2023 22:19

Why do we have to pretend to our kids that sex doesn't exist? Tell her you know it's awkward that she heard but it's a way you and DH express love for each other, and yes she should respect your privacy.

Honestly approach it as sex being a normal but private thing, not some terrible secret scandal that everyone should be ashamed of. Sex isn't dirty, it's just private.

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 12/03/2023 22:22

"Sweetheart, it means your mum and dad love each other, and that's a good thing. You're lucky to have parents who are happy together, not everyone gets that. If you have questions I will try my best to answer them."

Mummyme87 · 12/03/2023 22:24

My 8yr old heard us having sex a little while back. He started crying in bed and the next morning asked us why I was making so much noise. I totally panicked and said I was having a bad dream due to eating cheese. WTAF?!?!? Don’t say that!

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/03/2023 22:28

When I was about the same age, I was sick in the night and went into my parents room to find my mother on top of my Dad at what I now know was a crucial moment. About 3 years later I realised what I'd seen. At the time my mum said "oh we were just dancing" and laughed it off! I think it's unlikely she will be scarred for life but it l might be a good time for a privacy talk. My parents put a lock on their door after that and we had to knock and i think that's ok!!

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