Child assaulted at a party. Do I tell school?

[User17865]

My primary age DC has been assaulted at a classmates birthday party today. The child who assaulted him has bullied him at school in the past. He’s a very angry child and was also being aggressive to other children at the party.
His Mum never seems to intervene. I wasn’t at the party, his Dad was, he was out of the room when it happened though.
I’m not sure if I should let school know. I don’t expect them to do anything about today directly. I just wonder if I should make them aware so they can make sure they keep a close eye on things in school and don’t put them in groups together etc when they’re splitting the class.
My DC is Autistic if that makes any difference to peoples opinions. So he is more vulnerable to bullying than some other children. He is very young for his age emotionally and has social difficulties.
He’s got raised red bruising to his arm and both shoulders. I only noticed in the bath. He probably wouldn’t have told me if I hadn’t seen his injuries. He finds it hard to talk about his feelings.

Are you implying ops DS is to blame for this @cansu? And then saying he should have to stop going to class parties if he doesn't want to be attacked?

Yes, definitely tell the school. It's useful information if this is a pattern of behaviour within school. I'm a teacher myself and would log this kind of information on CPOMS (our safeguarding software).

Something similar has happened at our school - a boy had attacked several children in school, and did it again to a child at a party one weekend. As I say, it added to the picture of his behaviour patterns knowing that he behaved similarly outside school as he did within the school.

It’s tricky as it looks like nobody saw this- it sounds like it must have been quite bad so I’m sure someone noticed but maybe didn’t intervene. I’d personally not use the word assault. I’d let the school know to flag it so they can keep an eye on it

I WOULD MOST DEFINITELY INFORM THE SCHOOL. RATHER THAN PUT A LABEL ON IT, JUST DESCRIBE WHAT HE RECEIVED. E.G MY SON HAS SUSTAINED BRUISING, FINGER MARKS ARE EVIDENT ON HIS SHOULDERS. AN 8 YEAR OLD CAN BE A YOUNG BULLY, ESPECIALLY IF HE GETS AWAY WITH IT.

SO SORRY FOR THE CAPS. MY EYES ARE VERY BAD TONIGHT.

@PennyRa

accident??????

these days everything has become the schools business.

also, if they know they can more closely supervise the child & not out him in groups with more vulnerable children.

@User17865 so very hard 🌸

It's not their responsibility

I’d tell the school.

Partly to make them aware of this child’s behaviour in the hope that they’d be able to supervise him or keep him away from your DS in school in case something similar happens again.

And partly so that the school know why he’s got bruises.

I’d tell them. Email saying there was an incident at a party. Be factual. Your child says x and y happened, he has injuries that are consistent with x and y. You didn’t witness it yourself but will check with some other parents to see if anyone else did. You understand that the school can’t deal with incidents that happen outside of school but if the teacher could please be informed / keep an eye on both children.

I won’t be punishing my child by stopping him going to parties that this child might be at, because he injured him. It’s not my sons fault. I’ll be going myself to all parties in future and will be watching very closely if he is there.
My child told a visiting professional in school that this boy is always very angry and the professional told me in a separate meeting (without mentioning names, but my son told
me) that he knew which child he was talking about and wasn’t surprised. At the party his Dad witnessed him being aggressive with another child and that child’s Mum intervened. My child has told me before that if this boy gets told off by a teacher he’ll often lash out by kicking someone. My son has learnt to stay out of his way at school.
So considering the history and the obvious finger marks on both shoulders I believe my child.
I’ll tell school what he told me and say I don’t expect them to deal with the incident, just to be aware. Plus as others have said when he’s getting changed for PE on Monday these marks will be seen.

I agree that this is the way to proceed. I have two older autistic DC and fully understand how worrying it is when your child doesn’t advocate for himself. My 14 year old was receiving death threats from a classmate/‘friend’ on Discord and we came across it by accident! His classmate was also autistic with lovely parents but they were clearly struggling. I sent 29 Discord screen shots of insults and death threats to the Head and the boy was removed from the school immediately (investigation, police involvement etc). Schools have a duty to keep students safe, and their knowledge should not be limited to just the school day. Your child’s school are probably (hopefully) monitoring the boy who hurt your child and should be in the process of better supporting him as well (ie. behavioural-based smaller class. I’m not in the UK so not sure how that would work).

Call and speak to the headteacher and follow up with an email. I teach your sons age group and I would absolutely want to know; to keep and eye on them, to make sure there’s no opportunity for them to be alone, to make sure your child knows they can comfortably speak to adults if they need anything. I think it’s even more important to do this since your son struggles to communicate.

Social Stories could be helpful to share with your child to build a bridge using visuals for discussing social issues. Thousands of themes, friendship/not friendship, parties, bullying, asking for help etc. Google or Google images search, 'social story pdf bullying' or whatever you're looking for. Take a screenshot & enlarge it to share and revisit. Keep a bank of them.

That’s so scary! I find it hard not to worry about him moving to secondary school. Glad your sons school seem to be dealing with it well.

It’s really helpful to hear from teachers as well. He hates social stories at the moment. He always thinks he’s being told off and says they’re for babies.
I’ve been planning to try comic strip conversations to see if that goes down any better. So I’ll prioritise that this coming week.

Yep, that's absolutely perfect. Reasonable and acknowledging that you don't see the school as responsible in any way, but would just appreciate them being aware and keeping an eye..
I'd use that word for word, OP

@PennyRa

of course it's their responsibility to keep the children safe, stop bullying and attacks.

Not outside school 🤦

I would tell the school and the organizer of the party. The school are most important as a significant incident happening outside that affects children in school is good communication. Because this has no proof or verification it is more that they look out for your son’s wellbeing than do anything about the accused child.

On another note, I know your DH needed to go to the toilet but I believe that vulnerable kids should never be left unsupervised with other kids. I’ve had other adults not get this at all, told me or ‘judged’ me for this. Particularly in exciteable group situations, sitting down with a known friend for lego in another room fine, but at parties or with kids I’m not sure about, I never ever let my DS be unsupervised.

I think it’s because DS has significant SEN and I do find that he is a target, partly because he does things other kids can think are rude, and partly because other kids instinctively pick up that he’s vulnerable. At least twice my Ex has left DS unsupervised with small groups of kids (aged 7) in the garden or a room and DS has come back with unexplained bruising, and as he can’t explain it’s only later it’s transpired it was the other boys ‘playing rough’.

Sorry to be grim, but our vulnerable kids are more at risk from bullying and aggression.

Teachers gave said they would want to know @PennyRa. I would be telling them about the bruises even if the other child went to a different school. As others have advised keep it to the facts told by your DS and say that you did not witness it

I always stay with him or ask another Mum
to keep an eye for me for 2 mins if I really have to nip out. I agree it’s not worth the risk. I thought his Dad was on the same page, obviously not, so I’ll be taking him to things like this in future.

So parent can miss this behaviour but teachers need to be on this? You absolutely should let school know. Surely you can speak to the parent yourself though?

@PennyRa

of course not outside of school!!

the point is to tell them what happened so they can be more aware IN SCHOOL.

FFS

It's not their responsibility outside school no. It is their responsibility inside school though and if they think there is a safeguarding issue they can involve social services who do cover things outside school. Upon being told, if the school think the incident is serious effort - or looks like an escalation of a pattern of behaviour in school - it might be enough to trigger them to involve social services.

It is their responsibility to collect information which builds a pattern. Our school policy documents detail that all school community members (which includes parents and kids) have a responsibility to let school know of incidents of concern that don't even them (if a child at the school) or another unrelated child if they witness something serious even if not on the school premises as part of the 'school agreement' which you sign up to when your kid starts at the school. I'll be honest in saying I hadn't realised this.

It means that if you go to a child's party and you see something of concern you have a responsibility to the school. I think most parents would still ignore, but the school is certainly saying they want to know.

So no it's not directly their responsibility, but yes it is indirectly their responsibility and it's laid out that it's also parents responsibility and safeguarding children on or off the premises is a collective school community responsibility.

@RedToothBrush good post. I agree, I think we as parents also need to educate ourselves that safeguarding practice is really all about ‘joining the dots’ - it is about open communication about an incidents so that a good picture can be formed.

This is because services had to learn these hard lessons some years ago, when so many terrible things happened with kids and when they looked into specific high profile cases everyone had bits of the jigsaw, but no one communicated them to each other. Now professionals have a duty to report.

Telling the school is not only the right thing for her own DS, but is also the right thing for the other child. If he is regularly lashing out, if he has behavioral issues, well that isn't just coming from nowhere. And I don't say that to blame his parents in some way - he could have a hidden disability or anything that is triggering this behavior.

So not only is it providing a full picture to the school regarding the relationship between her DS and this child, and helping them ensure that they are kept apart, but it also provides a fuller picture of the other child's behavior and supports can be provided if necessary.

In my experience there are far more drawbacks in holding back information for fear of escalating a problem, than there is in sharing information as long as it is done in the right manner. If I was to speak to this other child's parents I would broach it without any expectation of an apology or immediate resolution. It can take months for a parent to accept that their child has a problem, and it is sometimes only after a numerous incidents and a mountain of evidence.