Please help before I have a nervous breakdown

[lucylooareyou]

I have a 5.5m old DD, I love her immensely, but she hasn’t slept longer than 2 hours since she was born. I can’t live like this any longer, I keep having thoughts of getting in my car and just driving away.
its 7am, and I have seen almost every hour throughout the night, most of them spent crying because I feel the biggest failure.

my DP does help massively throughout the night, but our house is so small even a pin drop wakes us both so even if he deals with her I’m still awake.

please, before I do anything stupid please can someone advise me on how I can get her to sleep better because I feel I’ve tried everything, and the lack of options now is making me panic. I know people say it gets better but I honestly can not cope like this any longer.

We’ve tried;

later bedtime, earlier bed time, warmed room, colder room, footed PJs, non footed PJs, white noise, no white noise, bath before bed, no bath before bad, long wake window before bed, shorter wake window, napping more in the day, napping less.

no matter what I do, she wakes up every hour. Please please please help me

Have you coslept? My DD would only sleep next to me. Totally worth it to get a night's sleep.

Also you've tried lots of things but for how long? It takes time to build a routine chopping and changing because X didn't work after 3 days or whatever won't be helping either.

❤️ feel for you.

First thing you need is some sleep to feel okay. Have you got any family to take her for a while this morning and you can both get your heads down?

Have you considered co sleeping? With the appropriate measures to stay safe of course.

Have you tried raising her cot mattress ever so slightly at the end where her head is?

Thanks both - tried co-sleeping on the desperate days, sometimes she will sleep better, other times she just cries so it’s not a consistent tool.

have also tried raising mattress slightly, again seemed to make no difference.

some of the things I’ve changed have been trialed for a week or so, some maybe shorter maybe your right I need to stick with something better.

The desperation and sleep deprivation doesn’t allow me to think clearly sometimes

Definitely try co-sleeping if you haven't already

Is she breastfed?

Hugs my first was like this and it’s so so hard. My DH would take her for a walk or be on’duty’ with her 7pm-11pm so I could sleep the first shift. We lived in 1bed flat so had to put a airbed in lounge and use noise cancelling headphones to sleep. He would drive or walk her around the block. I then did the next shift 11m-5am so he could sleep as he was working and if I’d had a awful night he would take her 5am/7.30am so I could get another 2hrs sleep before he left. Yes if you can co-sleep safely do it. Make everything as easy as you can. It’s NOT your fault you just have a baby who needs you. It doesn’t feel like it now but you do get through it. My baby is now a teenager & trains 15hrs a week at national level sport…she is an energetic one still!

A few questions will depend on my advice:

1. when she wakes is she having a feed each time (is she breast for formula)
2. is she easy to settle each time she wakes and is she fussy during the day at all too?

Is she waking to feed or just crying?
How is her feeding?
What helped mine sleep was regular feeding for a decent time every time, ie every 3 hours for 20 mins / half hours.
At this age she should be able to go every 4 hours between feeds.

If she's waking and doesn't want feeding, is it wind? Sounds like you've checked if she's too cold/ warm.

I remember this with my eldest. I think there is a very fine line between sleep deprivation and pnd so please look for signs that you need a bit more help.
You absolutely aren't alone in this and it is biologically normal. I know that doesn't help but other parents are going through the same and will empathise. I think the best thing you can do, is to find other mums in real life that you can talk to and get support from.
What is she like when she is awake? Is she a happy baby or fussy? I'm wondering if there is something like a cows milk protein allergy going on? Other signs would be eczema, asthma, slimy or green poo, either very runny or constipated, very refluxy, colicky or windy?
Will she sleep in a sling? At least this way you can go for a walk or sit down with her?
And you say co-sleeping doesn't help but does it at least mean that you don't need to physically get out of bed every hour or 2?

Really feel for you OP
Sleep in babies is a hard one to know what to do as everyone has conflicting advice and I know when my LO wouldn't sleep I'd get confused by what the best thing to do would be

I did manage to narrow down the many many many Google searches to this:

1. not every waking period is a waking period. They can cry and then settle back as they aren't truly awake. Always leave it 5 mins before seeing them
2. most night waking is hunger, a baby will never sleep big stretches unless they are content with how much milk they have consumed - up the milk! (There are waking times for comfort but every hour sounds like they are hungry)
3. when they wake in the night soothe but don't talk to them/coo/etc. loud in the day, silent at night so they get to understand the difference
4. whatever you do to try get baby to sleep for longer periods you need to be prepared to stick at it for 2 weeks before giving in and trying something else. There isn't a magic fix and consistency really is key, don't throw in the towel too quickly because you think it isn't working!

I really hope you get some better sleep there's nothing worse than sleep deprivation. Can you stay somewhere for a night or do you not feel comfortable leaving baby yet?

Also check out Nanny Louenna on Instagram her routines and advice are amazing!

Thanks for all your responses.

milk try and cover all questions -

she is formula fed and never been a good eater. She takes comfort milk because she suffered horrifically with gas on normal formula, she doesn’t seem to have the same issues now.
she will take a max of 4oz at a time, I can then maybe get her to drink more about an hour later but usually only around 2 maybe 3 more OZ. She never cries for a feed in the day, she could go 5 hours plus without being bothered about eating it’s very bizarre ( I don’t let her go that long, I just left her one day to see if she would eat more when she got ‘hungry’ but that time never really seem to come, and she still only had 4oz).

she doesn’t feed every time in the night no, usually every 2 hours where she will have 3oz max. I feel it may be slightly comfort, but she does eat every time.

The times inbetween don’t seem to link to anything, she won’t pass wind, sometimes she doesn’t even open her eyes she will just cry in her sleep, but if I don’t tend to her in some way she will keep crying.

my next step is just letting her cry it out, I’ve absolutely never been a fan of that and never wanted to do it, but I’m so desperate now

Hi OP. Sorry things are so hard. Have a look at the Ferber method, works really well for some children. Might need to wait until 6 months though. It's a gentle form of cry it out. Second what pp said, take it in shifts with your husband so you both get a few hours uninterrupted.

She generally isn’t fussy during the day, only when she wants to nap which we have to bounce her in her chair, she won’t put herself to sleep.

she is fussy at night, some hours it will take just popping her dummy in and she’s straight off. Other times she’s awake crying, other times she’s just singing to herself. There’s no real pattern or correlation.

I think shifts will have to be done, I was just trying to hold together a few hours in the evening to keep our relationship in check but that’s going to have to go out the window for now. Sleep is more important

your doing nothing wrong it’s important to hear that, as I absolutely thought it must be me what am I doing wrong, why is this so hard…(my 2nd child just slept we did nothing different!).. some babies are just like this.

sounds like could be food / wind / gastro linked and then the cycle of wake up. We tried controlled crying at 7mths old and it just did not work at all she literally would not stop crying for hours. I quickly realised we just needed to adjust our routine to fit her and just cuddle her/hold her, sleep with her to survive that hour,that day that week. It does get easier and they do adjust. And yes my 2nd was completely different just slept 8hrs through once fed and changed it was massively eye opening!

Hi OP, this sounds rotten for you.

I suggest you get a whiteboard and do a timetable - as you say, shifts. We did this and it helped a lot. You can also write down what she eats, when she wakes and sleeps etc and photograph it each day. You often can't spot patterns when you're in the middle of it.

When it is your sleep rota - earplugs. I recommend Honeywell construction ones.

Does she sleep in the pram or the car? Keep a pillow in the car if so and a debit card in the pram for coffee!

How about a date lunch once a month with a babysitter? DH and I still have a lunch together once in a while when DD is at school!

Is there a grandma who can hold and comfort the baby while you get a good night's sleep? I remember doing this a couple of times for my dd when dgd was tiny.

You are not alone

She's nearly 6 months how is her head control? Because if good enough give it another 2 weeks and try her with a banana before bed

If white noise is no good try - pink noise, brown noise, music, oven sounds, womb sounds, hoover sounds, etc

Take her pjs and blanket/wrap/sleeping bag and have it in your bare chest for half hour or so before bed to get your scent on it

If you wrap her for bed maybe try sleeping bag or visa versa, if you swaddle with arms in maybe swaddle with arms out etc

Footless pjs- some babies hate their feet feeling restricted

Lavender scent on the room - heck put lavender sounds in every room
Lavender Baby moisturiser

Gripe water before bed

Check she's not teething unlikely but could be and use anbesol if so

Night light/glow stars on the walls/ hanging mobile

Dummy/no dummy or try a different shaped test dummy

Try a different shaped feet bottle

Cot sleeping or next to me crib

Room temp - 15-20 degrees seems to be good for most

Is there a draft ? Is her sleeping spot too warm

Tilt the mattress - check with gp first

Some babies start sleeping better once they move into their own room (if she's got one) so not long until she can go in there and she won't hear every movement you do and visa versa

Is she getting lots of fresh air a day?

Humidifier? Dehumidifier?

As for you ..... self care
Husband needs to take the baby out on the day for an hour so you can sleep

Ear plugs for the night when it's his turn

Face masks, hair masks for you and why not your husband too

Get paper plates and cutlery for a few weeks so you don't have to worry about doing the dishes

Yoga / Pilates on YouTube

Cry if you need to cry

It is so hard and many of us have been there or are there too right now. But it will get easier

Ok you really sound at the end of your rope. I've had four babies two were twins so I know the tiredness you are describing. This is my advice to you. Your baby is healthy you do not need to worry about that. Give a bath and bottle let her take as much milk as she wants. Make sure she is warm enough. Wind her. Put her down in her own room yes her own room with a night light and leave her. Leave her. Go to bed and sleep. Your husband can be on hand to go in but don't rush In. She has to learn to settle herself. You put earplugs in and sleep She will be fine she will get better at sleeping but you do need to stop going to her In the night because it's making it worse. Good luck

Ridiculous as it sounds, my friend was similar and she alternated nights with her DH sleeping in the garage at weekends with duvets and blankets at one point, resulting in a full undisturbed nights sleep every so often.
A shed or a car would work too if you are completely desperate.

It would be worth checking for dairy allergy and any reflux issues with your doctor. If necessary, they can prescribe a dairy-free formula. My friend's baby was completely different afterwards.
I feel for you, my dd is also a terrible sleeper and it often feels like hell. Sending huge hugs x

No additional suggestion OP because I believe you'll have pretty much tried everything. We are the same and on top of seeing every hour, there's at least 1 or 2 I'll see multiple times when she wakes back to back every 10-15 minutes. DP can't help me so I've done every single night since she was born.

We're 10 months in.

Can always message me to rant if you need to. Trust me I know exactly how hopeless it feels.

Could you go to your dm/ friend for one night at the weekend and let dp handle it and then he goes the other night. When dp comes in from work go straight to bed with ear plugs in Then at midnight change shifts with him so he can sleep.

Could you go to your dm for a few days so you can sleep during the day.
Lack of sleep is horrendous and even one good night would make a difference.

It is awful. Feeling so utterly exhausted is so tough. I remember it vividly.

you have had lots of good advice here, so I won’t add to the hints and tips, except with one bit…

I know that I felt a lot less exhausted when I stopped trying to fix it. Babies wake. Much more often than we would like. It’s biologically normal. You haven’t missed something, or not tried something… I think we all try everything! And as you say, there seems to be no pattern or consistency.
When I spent no energy trying to fix it or worrying about what was ‘wrong’ and accepted it was they way it was supposed to be, I was able to roll with it a bit more.

I know that sounds a bit of a ‘hopeless’ response, but it really did help me.
your little one will sleep. But it may take longer than you expected. You just have to find ways to get through it the best you can.

Sending strength… it really is so tough.

Does she sleep in a moving vehicle?

I used to 'ride' the bus with DD1. She was in her pram and I took a pillow and blanket. I found a bus route that was 3 hours and just stayed on until it returned to our village.

Tbh, you need more adults though. Any GPs who could come and help? Godparents? Aunts?