2.5 year old picking rude behaviour at nursery

[holliesmokes]

So my 2 and a half year old started nursery a few months ago and has started picking up behaviours that I really don’t like, like shouting at us ‘go away!!’ ‘Naughty mummy!’ ‘stupid daddy’ (I don’t think he knows what it means) and saying some rude words like ‘f*ing sake’. He’s very verbal so he told us who the children are who say these things, but it doesn’t matter really. Unfortunately he seems to have figured out that saying those things gets you something (attention) and now he’s testing it.

We don’t use any of these at home and he never used to be rude in any way before. I guess it comes with being around older/other children. I wish everyone had the same parenting standards but it’s not possible.

I have a few questions:

Do nurseries where children don’t say rude things exist? 😜

I feel like giving it any attention makes it worse, but what is your experience? Have you found something efficient that actually works? What consequences do you apply?

Do most children do this or is mine more prone to rude behaviour 🙈? I really hate this because being nice and polite is sooo important to me.

DD is 3 and started nursery a couple of months ago, we've also noticed a big change in behaviour and her picking up a lot of words and language that we don't use at home, f*ing hell being the latest. She doesn't know what it means and it's being said innocently but to try and get a reaction.
We've found not reacting at all and simply saying "that is not a nice word and we do not say it" or "so and so may say/do that at nursery but it is rude/unkind so we do not copy them" seems to have got the message across. I did speak to nursery about the latest, DD also tells us exactly who is saying what, but there isn't much they can do other than reiterating what we are telling her at home if they hear her saying it at nursery.

just teach him what is and is not acceptable to you

You can't insulate your kid from the world. Just deal with it in the same way as you deal with any other unwanted behaviour.

Every now and again it will be your darling child who teaches another something terrible 😀

Thanks for replying - makes me feel better knowing that I’m not alone. All my friends’ children either went to a nursery where kids weren’t rude (hard to believe!) or they just told them ‘that’s not nice once’ and they listened or are too young to do this. I appreciate the advice on what to say as well!

I’m afraid it starts then and gradually gets worse. We’re considering a sit down conversation with our Y5 DS (10 year old) where we tell him what every swear word we can think of means and where they are on a scale of ‘don’t write this in and essay’ through to ‘I will be furious if you say this’…there have been a couple of incidents where other children have been tricked by their peers into saying some pretty awful stuff…

Unfortunately kids will pick up words and behavior from other children, especially at this age to about 4 as they are really understanding the power of language. I would be very firm with him about being polite to mummy and daddy and model exactly the kind of words and behavior you want him to use and correct him when he doesn’t do it. “Catch him being good” - so when he shows behavior you like, praise him and give him attention and ignore behavior you don’t like as much as is possible. At that age until about 9 I would discuss with my children what kind of behavior I would expect in a new situation, not in any way judging or condemning, just saying things like “how do we be a good guest appt someone’s home?” What do we do? And discuss behavioral expectations, so you are not reacting AFTER an event and also your children do know your expectations and can’t pretend they didn’t. Again, praise cooperative behavior.

Unfortunately 2.5 is very young and depending on the child they may not be mature enough to be able to remember and control their behavior all the time. As for swearing, Is oiled explain its it appropriate. Maybe do a simple reward system, everyday he goes without using “bad words” give him a sweet after dinner and a big hug. Positive reinforcement is always the best solution with this age group.

Oh god! Home schooling starts to look more and more appealing 🙈😄 Is there still bullying in schools, by the way? I only have the one toddler but starting to get really nervous about it. No idea what the school culture is nowadays.

Of course there is still bullying in schools. Unfortunately.

I had to move mine in year 2 after being bullied relentlessly since reception. I'm talking 4/5/6 year olds verbally and physically assaulting him including removing his glasses and stamping on them. I'd have preferred the odd swear word in all honesty! Unfortunately, some parents simply do not care what their kids do and honestly, so neither do some teachers.

My 2.5 DD is in nursery now and has never come home swearing. The worst she will say is 'silly'. So in answer to your question, yes nurseries do exist where this doesn't happen. I'm not saying the nursery is perfect because it may happen in other rooms my child is not in.
Although my almost 5 year old DD also went to same nursery and we've never heard her swearing. Acting up and misbehaving on the other hand yes, but I wouldn't necessarily say that's the nursery's fault.

Could you just completely ignore your child when he says rude things? So as not to draw attention to them so he realises it's not actually fun to say those things?

To be fair none of my three ever came back from nursery swearing or having a very bad attitude. You may want to look closer at the teacher and environment he is in.

Basically your child will copy the manners of the children they mix with.

It sounds like you might want to look at the area the nursery is located in and see if there is a nicer area with a nursrru place available.

We moved our child because the kids at his old school were awful. New school has much nicer kids. A move can make a lotta difference but you have to ask around in mum groups and do your research.

The ‘naughty mummy’ is a quote from Peopa Pig, are they showing TV at nursery perhaps? Seems an odd phrase to overhear at nursery as there aren’t mummies there, and the staff shouldn’t be saying ‘naughty’ that’s old fashioned teachers now talk about bad choices and good choices, not naughty people.

Anyway. To sum up, find a nursery in a less chavvy area 😬

They’re just like sponges at that age, and if another child says something that gets a laugh/reaction out of a few others that’s that. DD (3yo) said “fucking hell” a few times but I can’t blame nursery, that’s 100% on DH who says it at the mildest inconvenience. However she does say “Awwww man”, and we suspect she’s got that off her wee chum whose dad is American.

All you can do is say, “we don’t use those words”, and avoid making it into a big deal and they’ll drop it.

That’s really not normal for a nursery! Maybe phases like ‘naughty mummy’ but not swearing.

Later primary school, yes it might be understandable. But even if my reception aged child came home swearing I’d be very shocked.

I’d be very upset and pretty devastated tbh if my toddlers came back swearing and learned those behaviours from nursery. I’d talk directly to the manager right away and would probably move them depending on the situation.

Yup, that’s what I’ve been doing. Just ignoring and acting almost bored when he said it and then changing the subject. My hustand on the other hand panicked when he first heard him saying ‘fu**ing sake’ and told him off or told him not to say it (I wasn’t there) and that just made him say it over and over. Once we started ignoring it he stopped. I have a ‘stay and play’ session next week where I’m going to go with him for an hour, hopefully get a better idea of the environment.

Ahhh.. he doesn’t watch Peppa, that’s why I didn’t know. We live in a new built estate where there’s a lot of diversity. A lot of the children going to that nursery are from families from all over Europe. Which I like in a way, but obviously there’s different styles of parenting and all that. I wouldn’t call it a chavvy area necessarily but obviously it’s not like a village nursery where all the kids come from wealthy families. I think all new built estates have to have at least 20% affordable housing aren’t they? There are options around, I’ll give it a bit longer as it will give me an insight into who goes to the local school as well.

They are mixed, so don’t have different rooms for the 2 year olds, from what he’s saying he hangs out more with the 3-4 year olds and they probably have almost 5 year olds too. I’m sure that’s where he got it and I’m not surprised they’re playing with these words considering how much power they have. If it would devastate you and make you move your child and speak to the manager immediately , they are pretty powerful words. Kids are very attracted to that.

I absolutely belly laughed as my two year old came home with a new word, ‘wanker’. He is also very verbal, always has been.

All you can do is (probably not what I did, he said it a lot when he realised he got a laugh) make next to no deal of it and either ignore it, or just casually say that that is a horrible word and we don’t say it as it makes people sad/upset. If he’s very verbal and articulate you can probably explain things to him. I wouldn’t be stern though, kids just hear things and repeat them.

DS has definitely picked up things good and bad but no swearing yet. The worst is throwing things inside, which is a problem but there you go.

Not to derail your thread but to highlight this comment a village nursery where all the kids come from wealthy families. Rural poverty is a huge thing in many villages and often overlooked. There are still council properties and new build estates with social housing in villages. So I wouldn’t assume that village nurseries are full of wealthy families.

Yup, it’s very tempting to laugh, I laughed when he wasn’t there as well :)) He does understand when I explain and knows when we don’t want him to do something but he’s almost a threenager so sometimes just doesn’t care and wants to rebel. 😜

@PurBal I also wouldn't assume wealthy families don't use rude words.
In my experience wealthy families can lead to more problems especially at secondary school where their kids have more money to buy drugs.

@PurBal Yes, you are absolutely right. We live in Hampshire and it’s something people don’t often speak about but there’s a lot of wealth in the countryside. That doesn’t mean that wealthy people are better quality people or that swearing has anything to do with how well educated you are.

@crew2022 I lived in one of the richest towns in UK for a little while (I’m not rich, I was an aupair at that time) and there are definitely problems that come with wealth and entitlement. That’s why I was quite pleased that there’s so much diversity at the nursery where my son goes, it’s not always easy to find. I’m foreign too, husband is British. He’s our only child (so far) so I second guess my decisions all the time :)

Agree to disagree (I know everyone feels differently about these kinds of things so maybe seems an overreaction) but I think that’s a big deal at 2 and I’d be unhappy with the nursery. I’ve used nurseries for years. You definitely get behaviours and phrases picked up but ‘fucking hell’ etc. would be a big deal for me. I think It’s definitely worth a talk to the nursery and so they can chat to the parents of the children etc. early years are so important and I’m sure they’d want to know anyway. I wouldn’t move them if it was just one of those things that they dealt with but if it’s a regular occurrence and they’re picking up lots of words/ behaviours then I’d consider my options. My little ones do 3 full days so nursery is a big part of our lives and basically our extended family (that costs us a fortune) so I do expect a lot from them.

definitely agree the best way to deal with it is to not give attention/ ignore .. and calmly explain not to say it and move on.

You seem to have some skewed ideas about village nurseries and affordable housing.

But, your dc will be exposed to all manner of behaviour. All you can do is modrl the behaviour you want to see. Dc2 (aged 5) came out with For fucks sake and fuck me recently. To my mum. He didn't know what it meant ir even that it was swearing. He does now. Being older than yours he understands its not appropriate to use. I explained that it's not a word we use, he doesn't hear me, his gps, his teachers etc saying it. I did say it is just a word, but that it's one that many people dont like to hear.

I agree with those saying it's not normal.

Our nursery have a policy on swearing: basically if the child swears at nursery the parents get a talking to. I remember reading it when dd joined and half thought it was funny and was half a bit scared as I do swear under my breath occasionally.

She's been there 1.5 yrs now and we've never had swearing or even using the word "stupid". I have had "go away mummy/ I don't like you" but I think that's pretty standard experimentation at her age (2.5).

She's also become much better at sharing and other social interactions (touch wood because who knows how she'll be in few months time of course).

I'd have a word with the nursery.