Feeling rejected by son after birth of baby

[AlexNW]

I’ve been reading some old thread about feeling rejected by your first born when a new baby comes along. At first it was a bit wobbly but baby slept a lot so I tried to do as much as I could with my son. Now baby is 10 months old and things are still so hard. My son is autistic and we have just lost all connection. We used to be so close, just the two of us through lockdown etc and a combination of him starting school 5 days a week so we didn’t get our days off together and then baby arriving, we are just so disconnected. I still spend the first hour every day with him to help prepare him for school and I still do his bed time every night but it’s not enough for him. He hates his sister and won’t even be in the same room as her so what can I do? I put her in a bouncer etc but I cant just leave her on her own in a separate room so I end up going in and out do both rooms! I try to play with my son but he ignores me, I try to talk as he says I’m annoying. I feel like I’ve gained a daughter but lost my son and it’s breaking me. I don’t know what to do anymore

Are you able to spend one to one time with your son? Maybe an hour at the park or soft play after school or at the weekend? It is a lot of change all at once which is hard for any child but even more so with autism. He is probably really missing having you all to himself ♥️

I was thinking similar, do you have support who could watch your dd while you get some quality time with your ds. Perhaps if you could agree with him on a set day of the week every week you'll do x activity that he really loves and just recognise with him that change can be hard, baby is taking more of your time because they are smaller and need more help but you love him just the same and would like to spend more time with just the two of you. You know him best so you'll find the right way to put it across to him.

Hi both thanks for your reply. No help at all so I can’t have just 1:1 time after school unfortunately. But he does have just me every morning for the first hour and when my husband gets home we have 20 mins or so of 1:1 time plus I make sure it’s just us two at the wkend for an activity. It’s still not enough, he constantly rejects his sister and ignores me and says he will only be happy if she isn’t here anymore :( on top of that, he’s so aggressive that I end up having to be away from him to keep baby safe which makes things worse.

This has been a massive change for him, it might just take some time for him to adjust and find his ways to cope. Would there be any support that an autism informed counsellor could offer? The likes of lifeline (not sure if they're in your area) I think offer play therapy etc as well which might be easier for him to engage with. Could his school help link him in with anything like that perhaps? I know my neice went through a difficult patch with family breakdown and her school got in a therapist. They didn't address her issues specifically as she'd have been too little for that but worked on teaching coping skills which to be fair you'd have seen her using from time to time.

Is there someone, a therapist at school maybe, who could do some social stories with your son about being an older brother? I’ve seen these used successfully by the Ed Psych at my secondary school. Maybe around a morning routine of getting ready for school, being the big brother helping look after baby sister, having time with mum and dad, bed time routines, mealtimes with a baby etc?