I want to stop BF my toddler, but I'm terrified as to how we will cope with sleep - help!

[MintGreenLife]

Any advice welcome!

DS is 20MO and I feel like it's time to stop BF him now. He's sometimes started hitting and hair pulling during a feed, and last night he bit me while I was trying to get him to sleep, and I just feel like it's time for us to move on now.

What I'm worried about is letting go of this crutch that we've relied on all this time. It's how we cope with difficult phases, sickness, overtiredness etc.

He's not a good sleeper, and I managed to night wean him a few months ago, and instead now hair stroke or pat back to sleep on wake ups. He can get himself to sleep independently with me sat next to the cot, however if he's poorly or very tired this doesn't work and I BF him to sleep to save lots of crying and upset.

He's also recently been refusing to nap. This happens most days now, so in an emergency situation I take him out of the car (a lot of the time these days he sleeps in the car on our way home from somewhere anyway), or I BF him to sleep if I'm feeling particularly tired or don't have time to go out in the car.

Can anyone share any success stories of similar situations where BF played a big role in sleep, and what happened when you stopped?

FYI he doesn't like a lot of contact. Doesn't like to be held or cuddled to sleep. When he gets himself to sleep I lay by him just to be present. When he's upset he very much does not want to be touched and it will just make him angrier if I try to soothe him with hair stroking etc! Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place to be honest and that I will make my life so difficult by stopping BF, but I really feel like it's time!

Anyone?

Emma Pickett on Instagram has done loads of work on weaning older children. You might find this useful and helpful.

It could be that he's ready to drop the nap. Some do around 2. We moved to quiet time instead of a nap. I'd put a film on and we'd snuggle on the sofa. At first they'd often fall asleep during that time but not always.

Wearing inaccessible clothing can help if you're having a cuddle but not feeding.

@Twizbe thanks so much, will check out her Instagram.

That's a good idea. I did try one day without a nap but it was a nightmare, so decided I wasn't going to risk it again. Perhaps on days we're not out and about (as he will nap in the car) I will just accept he's not going to nap and have some quiet time like you've suggested. When he's not poorly he can usually go to sleep in the evenings without BF, so I suppose if I accept we will now have no nap days sometimes, then I can work on dropping his morning and evening feed as they don't play a big role in his sleep day to day, just when he's overtired or poorly!

And you can always set your own boundaries. Your milk is so well established now that it won't go over night. If you want to you could reduce to every other day, or only for when they're sick etc. They might naturally wean from there.

@Twizbe thanks, I think boundaries have become a big part of the issue really. I can find being hit and having my hair pulled while feeding very stressful. A few times in the last week I've tried to unlatch him when he's started doing this, and he just will not unlatch, and then I start to feel a sort of panic, like I'm trapped and try desperately to unlatch him. I feel sad really that this has happened and I want to stop now, after all this time. In a way I wish I stopped sooner before it became a problem.

There's a book you can get him about stopping feeding. I think it's called something like bye bye mum milk ...

I've not read it myself, but it could help you to talk through with him what the boundaries are and why the milk is stopping.

@Twizbe good idea, thank you x

You sound like you are already almost there having night weaned. I weaned my eldest at 2.5, but failed twice before that. By that time we were pretty much down to only feeding in the night, so I just refused to feed him and read him a story instead. I'd say he still woke several times a night for a few weeks, but settled with a cuddle. Then it gradually reduced until he was only waking up once to come into our bed. It did work for us but given that we failed a couple of times first, perhaps he was just ready.

Some friends I knew did various things like putting a plaster on their boobs and say the milk has gone/boobs are broken or saying goodbye to the milk and making a big deal out of having milk from a bottle. For me, at about 18mo my youngest dropped his nap, I went with it, did earlier bedtime and like a PP said did "chill out time" aka sit on sofa.

I nightweaned first and dropped feedsnone by one. for me the hardest one to feed to drop was the early morning one as I wanted more time in bed and loved the sleepy snuggles 😔 Forced myself awake at stupid o clock and just gave breakfast straight away.

I BF both my kids till they were 3 (nearly 4!). With my second he was only feeding at night. When I decided to wean I planned for a week of bad sleep (BF was our crutch to get him back to sleep!) and booked a couple of days off work. I started telling him that milk was going to stop soon a few days in advance and then stopped on a mid week day (so that I had the weekend to help catch up on sleep).

When the day of stopping came I made sure that we had a sippy cup of cows milk at bedtime. He was a bit upset but over a few nights he 'got it'. We had plenty of cuddles and I slept next to him for those nights.

I was really glad when I'd done it. I have great memories of BF but I definitely felt ready to stop.

@grumpytoddler1 thanks, yes I was amazed at how easy it was to night wean him! I just started sleeping in his room and then patting him or stroking his hair to send him back to sleep and to my amazement it worked first night. I've gone backwards recently due to illness and am now feeding through the night again, but as soon as he's better I will go back to patting. Night weaning sadly hasn't stopped him waking in the night though, but wake ups are much shorter now. I'm hoping that as night weaning was easy, stopping the bedtime and morning feed will be too. It's just figuring out how to soothe him when he's overtired etc, as hair stroking etc doesn't work then!

@Keroppi yes that's exactly why I still do the morning feed! It just feels too much to jump up and get straight out of bed, and he's grumpy first thing, so the morning feed eases us into the day and gives us some snuggly time before we get up. That's the only reason why I still do it. He never asks for feeds, I ask him if he would like 'milkies' and he says yes, so I feed him, but if I didn't ask, he wouldn't ask!

@TheThinWhiteDutchess I think that's where I'm at now, I just feel ready. I never thought I would. I really fought to make BF work through tongue tie, almost 2 weeks of light therapy treatment on and off for jaundice and a very sleepy baby that wouldn't latch, and I never thought I would want to give it up, but I do now...and I feel sad about it. Knowing that you relied heavily on it for so long and you managed to stop gives me hope though. I'm just worried about putting him through lots of tears on nights he can't get to sleep because he is ill or too tired, and not being able to offer that to him anymore to help him and soothe him.

It's a long time since my DD was that small, so I'm not upto date with safe sleeping practices for toddlers - is he old enough for a pillow? I breastfed and coslept for ages but the turning point was when I bought a big 'U' pregnancy pillow and DD took to laying with that instead. If you had deep sheets you could put it under the sheet to hold it in place instead of being on top of it. The extra space it took up made her a sort of nest that she felt cosy in.

@Singleandproud you can introduce a pillow from 12 months. I actually just recently started letting him sleep with a pillow of mine, but he's mostly been sleeping on my mattress (on the floor of his nursery) with me lately, due to being poorly. I have noticed that when he falls asleep himself, he sleeps right up against the headboard of his cot, as I guess he feels safe and snug up there.

It's a tough one, isn't it? Sometimes it's such a slog to get started, and nobody tells you that actually it can be just as hard to stop BF!

We still have occasional bad nights and plenty of cuddles and even without BF I still feel very connected to him. I've never regretted my decision to stop and it is lovely not having to think about what I'm wearing because I might need to pull my top up or down to feed :-)

You could give him a bottle of cow's milk at night instead of the breast.

I still had milk for about a year after I stopped BF, so i could still give the occasional suckle for comfort after falling over, vaccinations etc.

@TheThinWhiteDutchess that’s so true, especially if your LO doesn’t self-wean, and it doesn’t look like mine will. I just don’t even know if it’s fair for me to stop. This evening for example, he was absolutely fine through dinner and bath, not obviously tired, got him out the bath and he completely lost it and continued crying until I fed him to sleep. When he’s wound up he very much does not want a cuddle or to be touched, just wants boob and nothing else. No idea how I would deal with that without being able to feed him.

@pasta56 oh that’s so interesting. I thought once you stopped that was that!

At his age there's absolutely no need to introduce a bottle of milk.

Mine is 18 months and sleeps beautifully 11-12 hours straight through since being night weaned. But I still breastfeed before his nap and before bed. I've made sure he doesn't fall asleep on the boob so that when the time comes to stop altogether that will be easier.

He sleeps great but doesn't wake up well. Not at all. Must take after his mum! In the morning he has a big drink of water first then then comes into bed with me for 10 minutes to half an hour for a cuddle. He likes to doze a little and just cuddle and chatter. Then we move to the living room and he has a sippy cup of milk and we read books for a while under a blanket on the couch. That eases him (and me!) into the day.

Replace the old comfort of breastfeeding with new comforts and he'll adapt just fine.

You've done an amazing job feeding for this long and I really think that if you want to stop now it will be fine, you'll find another way to comfort him. Easy for me to say from the other side though!
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

@Getthefiregoing i have night weaned (previously, and again now he is better after being poorly) and sadly it hasn’t helped his nighttime sleep at all. Typically he sleeps 10hrs and wakes 2-5 times. Thankfully now I’m sleeping in his room with him I can resettle him in his cot most of the time, failing that he comes and sleeps in with me. Ah that sounds like such a nice way to start the day 🥰 I hate getting up/being woken up too! So I guess my LO is the same as me, only he just cries in the morning so I have to get right up and start playing to distract him. He’s not taken to cows milk, so I really hope once I stop he might have a little as an alternative 🤞🏼 I’ve managed to not feed him in the morning for about 5 days now, and he’s over his cold now so I’ll drop his lunchtime feed again and then his bedtime feed in the next week or so.

@TheThinWhiteDutchess thanks so much for your kind words x