Can we be a blended family?

[Mum112233]

My partner of 12 years has 3 great children (17, 22 & 24) and together we have a 6 year old and a 3 month old. For 10 years he had his older children every weekend from Friday 5pm to Sunday 5pm but for the last 4 years he's had them every other weekend which they aren't happy about.
This changed for a number of reasons but the 2 main reasons were 1) him working all week then being a taxi all weekend to his older children meant we never had anytime together and he never saw our child 2) that we only have a 3 bed house with 1 bathroom and it is far too small for 4 adults and 3 children. We can't get anywhere bigger because we simply don't have the money. We give their mum £700 a month 'child maintenance', pay their mobile phone bills, they always seem to need toiletries/ clothes when with us so we buy them and my partner pays for their days out and food at the weekend so financially we support them more than is required. This often leaves us with nothing to spend on our 6 year olds on our weekends but it was fine as I thought as they got older they would start to be more financially independent but thats not happened.
I don't have an issue with him having them everyother weekend but he leaves home to pick them up at 9am and comes home at 8pm when he's dropped them off. He does this Saturday & Sunday and me & the younger ones are just left all day. I know its hard trying to do things with them all because of the age differences but my 6 year old is now struggling with it, he misses out on friends parties because I can't take him and his dad isn't here ( I can't drive for medical reasons). It's all very strict with their weekends, we aren't allowed to switch any so my partner misses our birthdays etc but if father's day or their birthdays fall on our weekends then he goes to be with them. My partner tries his hardest to keep everyone happy and I understand he's in a difficult place and he should get to see his children on special occasions.
My point is I just don't understand why we can't just spend time doing things all together at weekends. I thought as they got older and started to drive they would come to us in the week for tea etc and weekends would be less strick, they will only come if my partner picks them up but then they want to eat out which we can't afford.
How can I bring us all together and make weekends easier for everyone?

I don’t understand why you have these arrangements in place for adult children.

Why is he paying maintenance for a 22 year old and a 24 year old ??

I assume that the 22 and 24 year olds are working full time. Why is your h buying them clothes etc?

It seems strange that a 22 and 24 year old are still having EOW contact arrangements, but I suppose if they’re still living at home with their Mum then there’s no reason they shouldn’t continue to stay with their dad if they want to, and it’s not unusual for adult children to still need to live at home at that age.

This is down to your partner. His older children clearly still need his time as much as they always did, and they’ve already been told that they’re only wanted every other weekend so I think it’s fair that on those weekends their Dad spends time with them. It’s a bit unrealistic to expect that you will all spend whole weekends together when three of the children are young adults, one of them is 6 and ones a baby.

Make the most of all the other days that you and your children have your DH to yourself.

The 22 year old is at university so he still pays for her. The 24 year old works full time and apparently earns 35k but asks and out of guilt her dad pays.

I'm not asking for all weekend just an hour would be nice, we haven't seen them on a weekend for 4 years! We see them Xmas eve and family occasions and that's it all year.
It's not the case they were told they were wanted only everyother weekend, we offered them as many weekday evenings as they wanted but they 'couldn't be bothered'.

Utter madness, the older two are adults, and I speak as a stepmum and blended family. The only maintenance should be for the 17 yr old, the one working needs to pay their own way and you should be paying directly to the one at Uni. When will it stop, when they are in their 30's?

Things have just never changed since they were children. They seem to need their dads attention just as much now as they always did. They message him everyother friday to check what time he'll be there to pick them up Saturday even though the time never changes.

There is only one way to solve this and that is to talk to your DH. It really isn’t fair on your growing family.
Do the older two drive, contribute to the household by cooking and do they spend time playing with their half siblings?

This is mental. Not sure why the adult children are still coming on set weekends with their siblings in tow? I get them maybe wanting to stay with their dad sometimes or just coming over to visit but the set up is strange.

Also, paying for them??? I get the 17 year old until next year but they're literally adults?

I don't think anyone's helping themselves in this situation.

you need to be able to take your 6 year old out independently

I appreciate your response as a fellow stepmum.
I know its crazy but how do you go about changing these things without being the baddie? I'm going to suggest paying something to the one at uni directly.

I don't think you are going to change the weird dynamic he has with his adult children so is there are any way you can take your children out on the weekends. I've never had a car and have always been able to take my dd and now my dgd out and about

He's actually still paying £700 a month to his ex wife, for child maintenance?

Wow! My ex can't wait to get rid of the financial burden of our kids and acts as though paying at the CMS rates is a breach of his human rights!

I'm amazed that 2 adult children and one nearly adult child are so insistent on being there so often!

Takes all sorts I guess

Surely the maintenance arrangements were until 18 and then onwards if in full time education.
The whole situation needs asdressing by your dh.
Is a young adult at uni really wanting to spend weekends with dad and sister as if they were little?

Maybe he also needs to talk to his adult children and discuss how the future pans out with them.

Bluntly, if you were to split, he'd have to have younger children and see more of them at weekends than he currently does

There is an issue here that your partner is still paying maintenance for his adult children. If you didn't have to pay out so much money you could eventually save up and afford a bigger place. There is no harm in helping them out on occasions as every parent would, but to have a monthly maintenance payment in place is just strange.

One is at uni therefore should be getting a student loan and a maintenance loan, to pay for every day things whilst at uni. And getting a part time job on the side. The other one who is working - not much to say other than they can fund their own way. I don't mean to come across as harsh at all, it's just way too much money is being spent, and the minor children are the ones that are the priority here and are losing out as you've said. Mobile phone bills etc on top? Obviously you can finance things whatever way you see fit as a family but it's actually at a point it is preventing you all from having spare money for your own children.

And like someone else said, it's very strange there are such strict arrangements in place for adult children. At their age they should just be coming and going as they please.

I don't think it's realistic for everyone to spend weekends together when there are large age differences.

Time for a conversation with your partner. I wish you all the best

Are you still paying for the 22 and 24 year olds phones ?

What does your husband actually do with them for the entire day Saturday and Sunday if they aren't coming to yours , going to the park or soft play ?

Sounds very odd adults getting up both days of a weekend to go out with their Dad.
You definitely need to talk to him, this would be quite intense and strange for a non separated family with Mum and Dad together I'd have thought.
My adult kids might come for Sunday lunch or a walk a couple of times a month but they are busy with their own lives.

This is bizarre.
yea you need to talk to your DH about moving to a situation that is more appropriate to his older children’s ages. The older 2 are adults for Christ sake. Maybe a discussion will help him see that he is treating them like children and that in itself is not helpful to them. He’s enabling them to continue acting like children.

The 24 yr old earning 34k shouldn’t be getting any regular payments/phone bills etc from their dad. This doesn’t mean dad can’t take them out for meals etc when they visit. Also they should be able to have flexibility in when they see him. They don’t need a set routine.

Does you partner realise the impact on his younger children?

I've spoken to him and he just feels so much guilt for leaving even though it was his ex who cheated and chucked him out. He doesn't want to upset them by suggesting any changes as they felt like they were being replaced when we had our children.
The older 2 drive but we don't actually see them. Theve not seen our children since Christmas and before that was when my youngest was born.

We have 3 between us, the youngest is 22, he still lives with his mum.

My ex stopped maintenance when my DD went to Uni and he paid her accommodation and top ups which worked out well. My DH and his ex came to a similar arrangement for their 2. The 22 year old is still at Uni and he works and gets help from both parents.

I think your DH needs to have a serious conversation with his children and ex. I cant understand how adults want to come every other weekend, do they not have their own lives and interests. By the time my DD was 16 she would go and see her dad when it suited them both and he would often come and take her for dinner or out to the theatre etc during the week, it was a much more casual arrangement but it has ended with them having a wonderful relationship and her dad is still very close to her and she is 28.

Wtf this is weird.

Adult child earns £35k but he still pays child maintenance?! Makes no sense. Are you sure it's even true? Maybe his money goes elsewhere

I don’t want to be rude but the whole dynamic is so completely insane I don’t know what to say. I’m a step mum and mum and if any of them were expecting their phone paid and didn’t have weekend plans of their own while they’re in their mid 20s and earning a good wage we’d feel we’d failed them.

What was he thinking having another baby while continuing to infantilise his adult kids like this?

Are you absolutely sure he's doing what he says he is? And that the money is actually going on maintenance? I had to reread your op twice to try figure out where he's actually taking them.

If all this is true it's insanity, but I'm not convinced he's telling the truth.

I was a ward sister at 24!

Are you surexthis is what is actually happening? I would be more inclined to believe thst hexwax having sn affair than hexwas spending 12 hours a day with a 24 and 22 year old all weekend .
What dobthey do? Where do they go at 9am?
This stinks like 3 day old fish.

Surely they would understand that the 6yr old needs to be taken to a party or whatever and that they could have dinner with dad in the evening??

Goodness, I was paying a mortgage at 24...definitely not asking mum and dad to pay my phone contract.