6 year olds behaviour is giving me major anxiety

[Kevinthebird007]

My 6 (nearly 7) year old son is experiencing real difficulties. It all started in year 1, he could often be quite boisterous, struggle with his behaviour and he quite reactive when he doesn't like things. He might push or lash out. He's by no means horrid, but can struggle with his temper. Tits continued all through year 1 despite interventions from us and his teachers, wellbeing teacher etc. He's now in year 2 and things are much the same except he's now started on his best friend. His friend has been his friend all through infants, then at the start of year 2 his friend developed another friendship with another boy and although we have all explained about friendships and how they work he feels very pushed out which unfortunately has meant he's lashed out at his friend which includes hitting, pushing and saying unkind things. This behaviour isn't constant but it gives me anxiety everytime he's with people as I don't know what will set him off. He's had counselling, he's had interventions from his teachers this year, he has a reward chart but nothing seems to work. He just gets really angry and lashes out. I queried SEN with the school but they don't think he has any additional needs.

It's got to the point where I have anxiety about sending him to school. His friends mum became a friend to us, she's had our children over a couple of times and I now feel awful that my son is behaving this way towards hers. She says she's very understanding of it all and the they're just navigating friendships but I don't want my son to be a bully or to have no friends. I have invitedher son over for a play date and although she said yes she hasn't confirmed dates so I just have to assume she's not interested but is being nice. And I don't blame her.

He starts junior school in September. I am worried for him as they are strict on behaviour and I'm wondering if we need to home school. But I don't know whether that would hinder rather than help. I'm honestly at the end of my tether. I cry most nights because of his behaviour and how other parents must think of us.

I really don't know what to do. He is so caring and lovely so much of the time but when he lashes out he's awful. I'm honestly so much at a loss as to what to do to fix things.

Sorry for rambling.

Sorry for typo. Just realised I've used the word tits instead of this... KO😫

This sounds very difficult, I'm sorry that school staff aren't being more supportive. They should be working with you to think about what is behind his behaviour and not just giving him reward charts or counselling. At such a young age he probably isn't able to articulate what's going on. Could you speak with his teacher and try and push for further support. They should be observing and recording where they have concerns ot where incidents happen and think about what his behaviour is communicating. All behaviour is a form of communication and he needs help to figure this out and not punishment. The whole brain child is a helpful guide for parents about helping children understand their emotions.

The school have a red and yellow card system and he gets yellow cards fairly often. He doesn't seem to want to tell the truth when I ask him what's going on and normally if I say "have you been nice to people today" he says yes, even if he's had an incident. I'm clearly doing something wrong but I don't know what. He's a very bright boy.

You're more than likely not doing anything wrong. I'd try widening his friends pool by joining things. Things like martial arts and cubs are really good for supportive learning of how to negotiate friendships. He won't be the only one finding it difficult.

He sounds very anxious. It also sounds like he's giving literal answers to quite complex, analytical questions when asked hours later, I'd say that's v common for a 7 year old. Unfortunately the school is using an outdated, punitive behaviour management system which most forward thinking schools binned years ago. He could be helped by a Nurturing approach, a specific child centred approach that sees behaviour developmentally & as a communication tool. DC that age should learn in a play based way with as much outside, physical time as possible.

I don't have any solutions. I just wanted to say that many children struggle with year 1 and 2, for good reason. From being able to work in small groups whilst learning through play the rest of the time to having tk sit at at a table and hope he can do ut whilst wasting time waiting for the 1 or if you're lucky 2 adults to get to him. Not to mention that a few years ago they simultaneously sucked the fun out of the Yr 1 curriculum whilst making it harder for some idiotic reason.
Then, from the ease of having a whole class to play with all day with the companionship of shared activities, to having a very short play and lunchtime , often in a large playground and often with nothing to do except run about, the friendship issues start because everyone forms in to groups or pairs. It can feel very lonely suddenly. Ask your school what they have in place at play times.

I took a wonderful reception class up to year one once. Suddenly, behaviour and emotional issues for quite a few of the children.
I hated it to tbh. I'm not surprised children act up and get frustrated

So big hugs to you and your little man.

I just want to add that jealousy is a big big emotion for a child to deal with. He's also grieving his lost friendship. And probably feeling lonely angry and frustrated.
The school need to nature not punish. Demand that they do this, don't let them off the hook

Does his Dad have a good relationship with him?
Does he do this stuff at home, like pushing people, lashing out etc?

And what happens when he does that at home?
Or he is absolutely fine at home?

The old wellbeing teacher used to be lovely and she really supported us. She recently left and his teacher has also changed mid year. They did so a thing about the zones of regulation with him which works to a certain extent but I always feel so on edge. And I feel like the other mum must secretly judge us. Our son son star of the week the other week and when he came out three children (including his ex best friend) ran up to me and told me how mean he had been and how he didn't deserve star of the week. Not one parent stopped them. I felt awful and it overshadowed his whole excitement about having received the reward. I got upset and angry because he'd been been to other children and so the whole thing got overtaken with unpleasantness. I am clearly not doing the right thing but the school (who used to be wonderful) now have a new headteacher and several new members of staff, none of whom seem to be focused on anything other than attendance stats and following policy.

@Seaweed42 he and my husband get along really well. My husband is a wheelchair user with MS do there are limitations to what he can do but they do have a good relationship. We've also just started him on rugby (where I also play). He does lash out at home, usually at his 8 year old brother. They are v different. My 8 year old is very sensitive and quiet, my 6 year old is very physical and boisterous. They fall out over sharing things etc but largely get along well. But when he does lash out, it's physical. We pop him in a quiet corner to reflect and we talk it through. We've also tried reward charts.

I have a couple of thoughts.

Firstly, teachers are educators, not medics, and should only play a small part in identifying SEN / neurodivergence.

Secondly, everyone (the school and at home) need to stop looking at correcting behaviours, and start identifying and meeting needs. His behaviour is coming from unmet needs.

So, what are those needs? Is he neurodivergent? Autistic and some ADHD people can struggle to understand and keep up with “neurotypical” friendship and social rules. They are more easily overwhelmed by both sensory input and emotions, and can struggle to process, cope, or communicate that - this manifests as “bad behaviour”.

He is trying to tell you all something. Forcing him to repress his distress / overwhelm / emotions in order to avoid yellow cards, or to gain stars on a chart, is teaching him to mask, that his needs don’t matter, only appearing “good” on the outside matters.

Step away from ‘behaviour management’, and spend some time with him when he is calm and regulated to chat about what life is like for him, what he finds hard, what he wishes people knew about him etc. Listen intently and collaborate- ask him what he thinks would make him happier and less stressed at school, then do all you can to turn those ideas into actual accommodations for him.

Meet the needs, and the behaviour takes care of itself - trust me, I’ve done it twice over (one Autistic, one ADHD, both anxious)

best of luck

@Sensibletrousers this is an excellent point actually. I'm currently on the referral pathway for ADHD as a 37 year old female and with that I have a comorbid anxiety disorder. This means I'm probably approaching this with more anxiety than most parents and possibly projecting onto him too. I masked a lot as a child and I wonder whether he might also be neurodivergent. I had wrongly assumed schools would highlight concerns through their interactions as well as through our own but I will raise it with our gp

Have you heard of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? If not I recommend you give it a Google. Very common with ADHD, and could be adding to your anxieties about how you’re perceived as a parent but also projecting and worrying so much about your son being liked… if you do relate it should be a bit of a relief.

My sister was diagnosed with ADHD aged 41, and it was the RSD that I’d always seen in her that led to her seeking out the diagnosis. Perceived rejection, criticism or disapproval is unbearable for her.

I would definitely get him assessed, doesn’t matter what school says.

Good luck!

It's really disappointing that although your son had won star of the week for other things that he had managed to do well, you chose to focus on the one thing he'd done wrong
How do you think he felt after you joined in with everyone being down on him? It's a self perpetuating cycle, when a child feels angry and like they're being told off all the time, they get worse.
Can you find ways to praise the good things that he does do.

I think you both need to be getting support. He needs a Senco to look to see if there are nd signs and you need help with your anxiety, not least so it doesn’t run off on him and make things worse.

I'm going to get him onto the referral pathway ASAP. I'll speak to my gp in the morning. I appreciate I'm not perfect. I got literally flooded by children all shouting at me and it was truly overwhelming. I know I behaved badly.

I am aware of RSD. I really struggle with it. I find rejection very very tough which is what led me to seek a diagnosis. It physically hurts and ill go over and over messages and exchanges with people n to try and make myself feel better.

Hi there OP, very good luck with the referral pathway and finding support for your boy. I totally agree with pp about RSD and also that not all teachers are fully informed about ND or best placed to judge SEN/no SEN.
My boy who is on referral pathway for ASD can be horrifically rude to his best friend and any given grownup when he is overwhelmed, and that is at certain definite points if the day/situations He is normally super polite and kind but sometimes he just can’t take the interaction. It’s absolutely appalling and mortifying and I’m so sad to think he will treat his friends badly and lose them due to it unless we can sort it out. I really feel for you. I hope you get to the bottom of it and find some good support.

As an ADHD-er OP, were you relieved to learn about RSD, and had it been helpful in relation to your son? I’ve always experienced it as being punched in the chest and I just thought that was normal.

Have you spoken to your son about the incident? Or said sorry to him
Consider this, if those children were happy to behave about and towards your son like that in front of you, how are they when you're not there?
Also, by instantly believing them and having a go at your son, you've lowered his status in front of what could easily be a load of little bullies.

You should tell his teacher what happened. I would not be happy with those girls if they were in my class. I'd haul them over the coals for that

@OhMaria2 yes I immediately contacted his teacher and told her about the incident and she then said she had taken time the following day to talk about what had happened. That he was deserving of the award and nobody should tell people otherwise. He seems to be achieving well academically. The only thing they're less happy with is his handwriting and that was the case with my 8 year old (such has now rectified itself). I don't see him as a victim all the time, I'm well aware he can be difficult and witness him with his brother so know he can be the instigator in a lot of cases. I grew up being bullied and I am concerned my son is going to turn into a bully if we can't get to the crux of the issue.

I'm trying my best but often feel like an awful mother.

@Figrolls14 I felt a sense of relief. I always felt that I took things too personally. I've always been told I'm too sensitive and too afraid of rejection. That I should just "chill out" and couldn't work out why I was like that. Relationships when I was younger were awful as I'd be so terrified off then leaving I'd almost self sabotage the whole thing

This sort of problem can be easier to address in a home education environment. If things are overwhelming for your child, you may be able to manage the environment so it is just challenging rather than overwhelming. Then he can cope and learn from difficult situations rather than feeling crushed by them and getting a repeated sense of failure through being unable to meet others' expectations. You can watch closely as he interacts with other kids, intervening more effectively than busy school staff would be able to do, as well as giving him coaching after the fact based on your observations. Finally, outside the restrictive school environment, he'd have a bigger range of coping strategies available to him.

A few examples from my kids' lives and those of their friends:

One seven year old had been removed from school aged seven after he had become increasingly violent toward other children. His mum said that after the pattern had started, a few of the kids used to enjoy surreptitiously winding him up just to watch him flip and get into trouble. At our home ed group, she encouraged him to take some time away from other kids when he felt stressed. He would climb a tree and if anyone followed him, he would ask them to give him some time alone to calm down. His mum kept a watchful eye out and stepped in if anyone didn't listen and give him space when he asked for it. If it was all too much for him, she often managed to spot the signs and take him home BEFORE he erupted, so there were fewer incidents. Other parents got to know him well and spoke to their own kids if their behaviour was contributing to problems. He was a lovely boy. I last saw him at 16, at which time he was making a success of himself. He was very active and hands-on rather than academic, and had had the chance to play to his strengths. He still had quite a temper to him, but he knew himself well and could handle situations with maturity.

My queen-bee five year old took against a boy and persistently chivvied the other kids to exclude him. Once it became apparent this was a serious problem, I started watching like a hawk. I think my kid enjoyed the power trip and was just too immature to empathise with the other child. I didn't manage to nip it in the bud through discussions, so I simply said if it carried on we would have to stop coming to groups and restrict ourselves to one-on-one playdates. I enlisted the other parents to help me watch out for any signs the boy was being excluded. That worked, and my child never bullied anyone after that.

My ten year old and their best friend were growing in different directions as their interests changed. BFF began to fancy boys and wear makeup, while DC still played with stuffed toys. BFF started hanging around with older kids and sometimes mocking DC in order to distance herself from DC - but would then deny doing so and say that DC was still their best friend. In the early months, that was quite painful for DC, so DC decided to mostly avoid former BFF for a while, going to different activities until things had cooled down. I can only imagine how intense it would have got if the two of them had been forced together constantly - like having to share an office with your ex-partner just after splitting up, I guess! A few years later, former BFF had grown up considerably and the two were able to be friends again - not best friends, but mates who could comfortably hang out in groups from time to time.

School can be emotionally exhausting. Sharing a crowded space with the same group of kids every day, being unable to take time out, having few adults or older kids on hand, the expectation of sitting still most of the day: for some kids all of that is moderately stressful and for some it is too much altogether.

Getting on a referral pathway sounds a good plan, I hope you can start getting more realistic support again both inside and outside school.

The approach of teachers can make such a huge difference in this kind of situation. Some of it is sounding familiar to me - my son was in a small prep school and I remember saying to the headmaster how strange it felt when we had a meeting in yr 7 about putting him in for scholarship exams - it was the first time I had been called in that was not about how to deal with "problems". In year 3, teachers who knew him well avoided giving him penalities that would lead to a detention, but he still ended up with one from incidents with older boys in the playground (it didn't help that he was both tall for his age and young in the year). A lot of the time he didn't seem to understand penalties and sanctions; but also didn't respond hugely to merit points and certificates.

Fast forward to now, he's the calmest most tolerant young man you can imagine, and gets along well with everyone around him even if they are having problems themselves.

We were "lucky" that he didn't end up needing full ASD assessment and diagnosis because of the school environments he's been in. I do however need to have a chat with him about ASD, and that it might be part of who he is and how he ticks, before he goes to uni. (His sister has a diagnosis and I'm not even sure he knows that!).

Very best wishes for finding a good route forward. A smaller school or home ed may be right for you both, but don't feel pressured into choosing something that's not right for you as well. Good luck!