I'm only surviving.

[SallyMiss]

Looking for advice/sympathy/support. Anything.
I'm a mum to a wonderful 2.5 year old LB. He's a baby of lockdown, I had a traumatic birth, followed by PTSD & PPD. We also had a house move 2 weeks before his birth to a 'project' house that myself and DH have been renovating throughout parenthood. Very stressful times. I have struggled immensely throughout the last few years, but have completed 2 rounds of therapy to deal with the PTSD & PPD. I was feeling more myself towards the end of last year. But our marriage has also suffered terribly during this period.
FFW to 2023. I've recently had a missed miscarriage (twins) and MVA surgical removal that ended in an arterial bleed and a short stay in hospital. Very traumatic and has opened up old wounds mentally. Followed by my mother ending up in hospital two weeks later, and a nasty bout of winter virus in the household.
All manageable with support, but this is the problem, we have no one. My mother has health problems that rules her out of childcare. My DH parents also have health issues, and his mother is an alcoholic. My sister lives 2 mins up the road but doesn't have time for anyone but herself. Didn't even visit after my miscarriage (which she's also been through). I have friends, but not the kind that I can offload all my struggles on. I'm reluctant to go back to therapy because I've struggled with my MH my whole adult life, and almost feel like I'm a lost cause, and this is just how my mind works.
I'm depressed. I live for my son. He's the only reason I carry on. I'm lonely. Our marriage is suffering because we don't get any time for ourselves. We've decided against trying for another baby due to the lack of support, and I'm struggling to come to terms with this. But I know I can't do it again without more help.
I've become very bitter and angry with the world and those around us.
Maybe this post is more about offloading, I'm not sure. I guess I just don't know where to turn.

Surviving through all of that is amazing. You’re going through a shit time and your going to feel like shit. Those are some serious life changing events in a small space of time.

If itself any help, my youngest is 3 1/2 and life is so much easier. Things will get better.

My gut instinct is to offer practical advice - did you want that or just to chat about how you feel?

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. It's not fair, and you are probably in the process of mourning the kind of mother you thought you would be and the kind of family life you thought you were going to add.

The first thing I would say is that don't make the decision not to have any more children a permanent one. Yes, if life continues exactly as it is right now you probably won't have "space in your bucket" to give to another child. And that is a very mature and caring decision to make. But as the other poster says, as your 2.5 year old gets older life will get easier and as you continue to heal from your traumatic birth and miscarriage you'll feel in a stronger place.

Secondly, I would say to reach out to your GP or whatever the UK equivalent is of a public health nurse (sorry, I'm Irish so am no help there). What you need is a support group that you proactively find, rather than relying on family. You don't realise that there are SO MANY mothers in the same position as you. Either grandparents live too far away, are sick or simply are not suitable care givers. Same with siblings. Being part of a mother's group gives you that space to vent and that emergency support when you need it.

Next, get a babysitter. Your DS is 2.5 now and will cope well with a new person. Go with your DH to the cinema. It's cheaper than dinner and it means you only have to pay for 2/3 hour babysitting (I'm guessing the do-er upper and counselling is draining your money). You don't have to talk, but you are out of the house doing something together. Don't underestimate how much this will help.

Good luck, and well done on reaching out and getting this far.

Thank you both for responding. It honestly means the world. I feel like the people we have around us don't quite appreciate what we/I have been through, as to the outside world we're coping. So I guess it's nice to have someone just say, 'yes, it's shit, well done for getting this far'.
I take my LB to playgroups to socialise, but find myself surrounded by grandparents going above and beyond, so end up feeling quite resentful. Although I know its good for my LB. He's a very clingy child, mostly due to the fact its usually just the 3 of us, and he's never been left with anyone else (besides childcare 3 days a week). So I've often worried about a babysitter. But it's something I'll definitely look into.

I must have felt a sense of relief after posting because I've just done a workout for the first time in 2 years! Also tried phoning the GP but they're closed for training today, so will try again tomorrow. Maybe I'm feeling more positive?

Thanks again ❤️