Newborn

[Yamaha1819]

Hi everyone, I'm new to Mumsnet. Felt like joining as I don't feel how to be honest with anyone else and not be judged.
I have a newborn. 12 weeks old.
I want to know if how I am feeling is normal.
I'm totally fed up and regret having a child. I know how that sounds. I just don't enjoy any element of having a baby whatsoever. The constant feeding, the burping, nappy changes, getting them to sleep, back to feeding, nappy changes, getting them to sleep. I'm not good at talking in that baby voice either, it's just not me. I don't even think my baby likes me.
Feel like I'm not even myself any more. Constantly sleep deprived. It's at the point now when he wakes during the night for a feed I just sigh and want it over with. I'd rather be back at work. I find the days long and boring. I just hate it. I go to a few things during the week to get us out of the house. Today I just had enough. Went for a walk and couldn't even get a 30 minute walk done without him starting to yap. I just want some peace and quiet. Tried to have a cup of tea. I am convinced there's a button that wakes him up every time I try to boil the kettle. He doesn't sleep for long periods during the day so I also get nothing else done. House is a mess and feels like it's coming in around me.

I am on anti depressants as I've spoken to my GP. But nothing seems to be working. I just don't enjoy it. I prefer older children they are good fun but a newborn is just seriously hard work and it makes it harder that I don't like it. I actually wish I could switch with my husband and he stays at home and I'll go to work.

I've been made to feel like such a bad mother anytime I air these views to anyone so I've been keeping it all to myself. People have just said ' you should be thankful' to 'wise up all women should love babies'. So I've given up talking to anyone about it. Never mind the state of my body either but I don't get a second to exercise to get it sorted.

I'm just totally drained.

Yes I felt like that a lot as mine was (is still) a bad sleeper and was constantly breastfeeding

mine is 11 months now, night time a chore again as he’s sleep regression atm but now he’s more mobile and chatty and has a personality he’s a lot of fun during wake times.

I don’t know what your husband does for work but is it possible for him to take paternity leave and you go back to work? Some places allow this.

chin up, the first 3-4 months are definitely a slog, I think I had some form of PND but I never went to drs so it’s good that you have been to talk to them at least 😊

Also want to add that I had quite a traumatic birth where I was in labour for over 2 days and ended up having to have a forceps delivery, tearing, stitches, and a post partum haemorrhage. I wasn't dilating and the nurse tried to break my waters when I was less than a fingertip dilated. It was agony. It also introduced an infection. Only had gas and air at the time too. Not out of choice they just didn't have time to give me anything else. Anytime I try to talk to someone about it they just say it's just what happens sometimes during birth and i don't feel listened to. I just want to rewind the clock and never have had a child. I feel so low.

Whoever you’re talking to is full of crap. Having a new baby is insanely rough.

Keep talking here and scour the site for the thousands of near identical threads other new mothers have created. You are not alone. What you’re feeling is natural, and it will get easier. Promise.

It gets better I promise. Talk about your birth till people listen. It's a trauma and we're allowed to feel this way and have our voices heard x

Some areas have specialist birth trauma counsellors - ask your health visitor or GP.

I had a brilliant hypnotherapist who helped me process a traumatic birth experience, it helped enormously and she was so kind and sympathetic. Also knowledgable because she had been a midwife. (Privately funded though).

You deserve care and support.

OP everything you've said I also felt. I remember night feed and crying and saying what on earth have I done, Ive ruined my life!!! It went on for a few months, then made myself join various playgriups, Mums and Baby things, started chatting to other mums and realised most of them felt the same!! It was a relief. The weather got better, and we got out more for walks, kept bumping into the same odd couple of Mums on walks so arranged a meet up. I filled every day of the week so I had something to take my mind off it. DH booked a weekend at Center Parcs for my birthday and again full of families, kids I started to relax more. I also went to bed at 8pm most nights and caught up on my sleep.
It will get better.

This too shall pass - you're right, older children are SO much better and you'll end up with one of them.
Who are these people you're talking to?! Either they had angel babies or they were so sleep deprived with their newborns that they were unable to form memories of the awfulness of and are now looking back with rose tinted glasses. Well done for trying to talk to people (even if they're not listening to you) and doe going to your GP.
Your birth sounds terrifying and traumatic and it's totally mad that you have to go to through that and then keep a human being alive. Your hospital should have a staff member who you can talk through your notes with. This might help.
I was you a few months ago and I actually enjoy being a mother now. I went back to work part time at 10 months and loved having adult company. I also now love days with my child, who has turned into pretty good company.
For me, sleep (or lack thereof) was the thing that affected me the most. A couple of friends who switched to formula feeding managed to do split nights with their husbands so that they each had a decent chunk of sleep. It was a game changer for them and if I have a second is something I'll definitely consider doing for my own sanity.
You're doing brilliantly. What you're feeling is totally normal. It will not only get better, but actually be good.

Thanks for all the replies. Really appreciate them x

You have been through so much. I'm not surprised you feel awful.

You say you wish you could switch with your husband - you have every right to do this! Have you looked into Shared Parental Leave? If you're eligible (ie you've worked at your job long enough) then it's your legal right. Your husband can take over.

I knew someone who just didn't enjoy maternity leave as she thought she would, had depression etc. She went back to work at 5 months and her husband took the rest of the year of leave. Something to consider.

Have you considered putting the kid in daycare even once or twice a week so that you can stay home and relax or go out and have fun? Or asking a friend/mum to have the kid once a week?

I hated the baby phase and everything you have said I hear you, that was me too.

My kid is now nearly 3 and we have started to turn a corner recently and I have started to enjoy him a little more. Its been a long hard road.

Do anything you can to get through it. If that means going back to work next week then make that happen.

Hi @Yamaha1819 it's totally normal to feel like this x
I have a 5 month old. Having a baby is hard work physically and emotionally.
It will get better x

I was you a couple of months ago! Baby is 5 months now so you are getting there - 12 weeks, youre nearly through that newborn phase (i know it doesnt feel it)! Their personality starts to come out now and I found that a godsend. Once I saw him as a little person I could start to get excited about the future. You've come so so far xxxx

Always remember 'put on your own life jacket before attempting to help others'

Oh but it is tough, OP. Much tougher than most of us would ever think in our pre-baby days.

As others have said, please try to get some help to process your birth trauma. In an ideal world, you'd be able to sit down with a midwife and your medical notes and go through it all, but I have no idea if they do that any longer. You are entitled to a copy of your notes: the hospital may make a charge for this.

One day you will be glad you've got your son. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but that day will come. Try to sleep when you can - being short of sleep is a killer. Take it in small stages. You've just made the most massive shift in your life. It all takes time.

Look after yourself. X

I don't recognise your feelings regarding having a newborn however it seems you and your GP agree you have postnatal depression so the usual newborn challenges will feel so much harder and worse for you because of all the amplified feelings of depression. I think you need to see it as the depression is robbing you of enjoying your baby and seek talking therapy. In the UK there is a perinatal mental health team which should have access to birth trauma therapy.

What you went through sounds awful and I would be wanting, when you feel up to it, a debrief with the midwives to understand their thinking in some of these decisions such as why it was essential they break your waters, what risk was there to baby and to you of leaving you be another hour/day/week etc? Basically working through the BRAIN mnemonic to understand what happened and why, and the role of context in how you now feel.

Absolute best of luck. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Ah OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It is absolutely completely normal. You can spend as long as you want preparing for a newborn, but nothing can ever actually prepare you for how drastically your life changes. It's a whirlwind from the get go. On top of the sleepless nights and learning to be someone's dependent 24/7, your body is still recovering from carrying and growing a little life and the huge task of giving birth.
I am currently 7 months postpartum with our rainbow baby. Our daughter was so longed for, and those final few weeks of pregnancy I felt so ready for her that I didn't think anything could surprise me when she was born. How wrong I was!
I am only just now starting to absolutely LOVE motherhood. I thought I'd love it from the get go because we have lost so much to bring a baby home. I felt guilty that I wasn't actually enjoying much of being a mum for those first few weeks. I was tired all of the time and I can't count how many times I've cried just wishing for a small break.
But then DD started coming out of the newborn phase and into the infant phase. She was no longer just a crying, feeding, pooping repeat machine and started to get her own little personality and learn skills. She started visibly showing me she loves me (she literally bounces with excitement when I walk into a room with the biggest smile I have ever seen!) And I suddenly started getting that rush of love that I only began to realise I hadn't really experienced.
She still wakes 2-3 times a night, but now that doesn't bother me the same way. Now I value our middle of the night time together because I can see how we have bonded from it.
I promise OP that this fog will lift. You're still learning how to be mummy and baby is still learning how to fit into the world. You're their safe space and they adore you, and very soon you'll see just how much they love you.
Sending hugs xx

It's really hard. Really hard. What helped me -

A cleaner alternative weeks to do the kitchen and bathrooms
A dummy - so they didn't always cry and had something to suck.
A diary of food - crying as they hadn't had enough milk - more settled with food
Bottle fed? Is it the right formula? Or needs hungry baby formula?
A sling so I could carry them abs still do a bit of house work.
A bath for the baby and jump into bed afterwards as mine would always sleep after a bath so I got a hr zzzz in the day - bliss

Any chance a friend could give you a couple of hrs off? To hold the baby sometimes we never get a break :-(

Good luck!

I'm so sorry. I felt the exact same way as you and it's so tough. I'd breakdown to my husband every evening when he got home from work. I used to lay in bed at night and wish I could turn back time and not get pregnant. I really grieved for my old life. I would look at photos of the old me and cry.

I contacted work and arranged to go back earlier because the idea of a lunch break sounded like absolute heaven. I think having a return date in reach helped.

But they do get easier. In a couple of weeks he will be fascinated by you eating and drinking. All of a sudden having lunch and a cup of tea becomes actual entertainment for them! It's great. The nappy changes become less often. They poo less, they need winding less, the constant indigestion they seem to suffer with eases. Some will sleep better (some won't) but you'll have night feeds down so they go quickly.

Mine became ok with being in his bouncer at around 3 months (hopefully just a couple more weeks for you) so I used to move him around the house with me to do housework. Do that housework when they are awake! Do not do housework when they nap. That's you're time to just be you. Mine hated a sling until he could face outwards then he loved it. I dance around the house with him with my music blaring.

I still don't love it (5 months) and there are days I have the best morning and then the worst afternoon. But that's so much better than how it used to be at your babies age where I hated the whole day, every day.

Really appreciate all the replies and not judging me for sounding like a terrible mother. It's such a change, this is my first baby and nothing could have prepared me for what it's like. I have quite a demanding job but I find being at home with the baby harder than anything I've ever done!! There is not enough credit given for parents that are at home with their children.

I made some small changes today based on the advice you've all given. When he went for a nap (20 minutes) I decided that was my time to sit and have a coffee and a bit of peace instead of rushing about trying to do everything else.
I've also asked my mum to babysit for a few hours when I go to meet a friend for coffee
I also managed a walk and stuck my earphones in and I enjoyed it.
My husband works a lot - he's an ED doctor and is on a shift pattern of 14 days in a row at the minute but we have spoken about splitting the leave and he is more than happy to do that.

I've spoken to my health visitor about him being a hungry baby but my advice was ' it is what it is' and to just get on with it.

My baby is perfect and I couldn't have asked for more of a blessing, but my word it is difficult and I've had many a breakdown.

Re the depression - I feel like the type of birth I had robbed me of that initial bonding. I didn't get to hold my baby when he was born, he was taken off to get his breathing started and then I was in surgery to get my bleed to stop. So I didn't get holding him for half a day after he was born and I was left feeling guilty that I didn't have that first rush of love that's it is portrayed to be! It has only developed over time.

Thank you everyone. I'll keep going 👌

Glad you've taken some positive steps. Just keep on plodding on. I would say there are good days and bad days. But it's more like there are good hours and bad hours. Every hour is a new hour! (This is coming from someone who was in tears herself by 9am but now he's napping independently and I'm enjoying a coffee and a flapjack)
keep taking those coffee breaks when he naps 👌

So sorry you’re experiencing such challenging times with your lovely baby.
The changes you are implementing are extremely positive. The situation will improve.
In the meantime keep talking to your partner & family & MN….. we all want to support you.
Soon the warmer days will be here & your world will look different. Remember you’re doing a fantastic job of being a Mum.

It's not supposed to be an endurance test. Go back to work if that's what you prefer. I lasted four and five months at home each time. I bet your DH doesn't want to be a SAHP any more than you do.
Twenty years on and still feel it was the best thing I ever did. All bonded just fine.

The early months are shite. They are a relentless grind. Hold in there. Prioritise your wellbeing. Seek out company if you can.