So insanely hworried how ds will turn out

[SunFlecks]

DS is 20 months old and for the last few months he has had a terrible temper. He was the calmest happiest baby till he was 6 months old and started solids (though I guess that's got nothing to do with it.) But since then he's become gradually more and more short tempered.

He just gets so annoyed if he can't have immediately what he wants and he constantly wants something that he can't have. He starts screaming, throwing stuff and hitting whoever is around in the face. Or he bangs his head against something. He won't calm down for ages. It's really difficult to soothe him or to distract him. I try to tell myself this is perfectly normal toddler behaviour and he's just testing and learning boundaries but it just seems so extreme and I know I shouldn't compare but DD was nothing like this ever.

I also feel so bad for DD (6 years old) as she is often at the receiving end of his behaviour. He also gets quite jealous of her. As soon as she comes for a cuddle or sits on my lap he tries to push her off and hits her.

For the last couple of months he also just seems so miserable all the time. He's constantly low level crying and wanting to be picked up.

I don't know if this is relevant but he's constantly hungry. He's quite a fussy eater but screams (and hits) for snacks. I don't restrict his food but because he's on the 97th centile for weight and not very tall I'd like to stay to healthy food but he gets so upset if he doesn't get what he asks for.

The nursery staff said he's very happy and well behaved there and that they've got no concerns.

Please someone tell me this is normal and he'll grow out of it. I keep worrying he'll turn into s violent teenager or adult or a sociopath. And I worry about his and dd's relationship.

Also, is there anything we can do? Anything I might be doing wrong?

Am sorry you are stressing over this. How is his communication? Any words? not trying to worry you about his speech development but if he is trying yo express himself and can't his frustration might translate into tantrums. Remember he is only 20 months not years. He will probably be fine (especially as nursery aren't worried). The hunger thing, some people have it and loose all perspective when hungry. Even adults. Good luck to you and your family

Could it be something medical?
You mentioned this first started when he switched to solids...could he have allergies or sensitivities or coeliac disease...anything like that? It would be worth a gp's visit I think.

Is his sleep ok? Ill that often? DS has that low level misery when he's run down, usually just before a stinking cold manifests. He's also a disaster in many of the ways you describe when hungry.

Any chance you can do healthy foods in a format that tricks him? I did a lot of savoury muffins as muffins seemed to be in the "treat" category for him, irrespective of what they were.

I'd consider a food intolerance definitely. The fact that he behaved at nursery suggests he's letting his frustration out at home. How's his communication? Maybe a trip to gp or ask hv to visit?

As for managing it at this stage the most effective way is to manage his environment. So try to pre empt situations, distractions, reward positive behaviour. Try to bring his frustration levels down for him which will make him easier to deal with and hopefully he will be more capable of learning if it's coming from a calmer place.

It all sounds very normal, OP. It really does.

Please don't blame yourself. This will pass

Keep feeding him normally. If his behaviour is fine at nursery, then it's not likely to be caused by food. Besides, food intolerance doesn't show like this. Healthy snacks will comfort him and are reassuring to him that life is ok. At this age, that's appropriate.

●Stay patient and keep encouraging the positive, while not overreacting to the negative.
●Distraction is a great strategy. Use it liberally.
●He will be equally frustrated and eventually reassured by reasonable boundaries.
●He might get comfort from little routines.
●Find any opportunity to praise him and always speak well of him in his earshot.
●Give your daughter attention and space to enjoy herself with you. Speak to her about how you all love him, but his immaturity makes him misbehave.

You're going to need enormous patience through this phase. Look after yourself too. Try not to have people around who want to punish or shame him; those strategies often lead to deep-seated problems.

I don’t know but he is nearing the terrible twos and children can be awful at that age. My daughter was so bad with constant tantrums between about 18 months and 3 years that my MIL thought in all seriousness that she had a demon inside her and needed to be exorcised!
She’s a well adjusted and polite young woman now and of course we didn’t find an exorcism to be necessary 🙄

I think it could be something physical as well as the terrible twos. Has he been checked over?

My nephew was similar and it turned out he had ongoing, low level ear infections.

Thank you. His communication is ok. Age appropriate I'd say and he's picking up more words all the time. Lots of them related to food...

@Pianoaccordian @Merrow and @autienotnaughty he does get a lot of infections. Since joining nursery he's had every virus going and February was probably the first month when he didn't have to miss any nursery days. He's got a cold at the Moment as well and his sleep isn't great (and that's a whole other thread I'm planning to post). On days when he hasn't napped well he's definitely more irritable.

I'm not sure about food intolerances. Maybe I should keep a dairy to se if there's a relationship to his mood. He does noticeably perk up after dinner in the evening on nursery days.

Hi, I just wanted to second PP who said it all sounds normal.
I think stop thinking about how he is going to turn out. He's still a baby, learning the world. It really really helps to let go of that fear that we all get in the moment and then that drives us to react with fear/anxiety.
Try focusing on or reframing things as 'he's having a hard time' 'he can't manage that situation just now'.
Acknowledge he feels sad/frustrated(name the emotion so he hears it), try distraction, humour and if that doesn't work, let him have his meltdown, stay close and reassure him hes safe and youre there. He is melting down because his emotions are too much for him and he needs you to help him regulate himself. Controlling him or encouraging him to stuff down his emotions won't help him learn to cope with them in the future.
At this age I'd just note what the trigger was and reinforce life 'rules' as you go through the day eg that's it ww hold mummy's hand when we walk on this path, that's right the rule is no banging on the window etc.
It's not a quick fix but I think teframing your iwn mind and pausing and breathing before reacting really helps.
Remember you're working it out as you go along. You are what your child needs to grow. Keep going!

Sorry I think I mucked up the quoting there but it's to the OP.

My now 5yo hit the tantrum stage at 18 months old. 18mths-2.5yo was the WORST age and the "terrible twos" had us held to ransom for what felt like forever! I once counted and he had 5 tantrums before 8am one morning. I arrived at work feeling like I'd done a round in a wrestling ring! The wonderful thing was that once he'd worked through his rage (!), he became the loveliest most gentle and sweet boy you could imagine. He's never had any behaviour issues at school - his teachers always comment on how polite and well behaved he is. He's lovely at home - very sweet and so kind to his little brothers. Don't lose hope! Your lovely boy is there and this is just the rage of toddlerdom at all the things he can't do. As he grows and develops it will stop!

The poor pet, he is probably uncomfortable if he has had a run of viruses and missing out on sleep. I would get his ears checked out as that can be fairly painful and like everyone we can not be ourselves when a bit miserable.

PP advice re distraction and patience is the way to go but I would say that I expect the issues you have identified are greatly impacting on his outlook in the world.

Thanks everyone. Was greatly reassured reading your responses. Ds was in a really good mood today all evening. Probably helped that dinner was ready and he could eat as soon as he came home. But have just had a horrendous 1.5h trying to put him to bed. He just won't stay in his bed. I've given up now and dh is trying. I got so upset that at some point I left the room and just left him crying there. I went back after a few minutes but he was pretty inconsolable. I guess if he wasn't on the path to becoming a sociopath he probably is now.

O dear this sounds rough. I know what your going through and yes it's all normal for his age but it does worry you doesnt it. Good advice re comforting him through tantrums as he really is scared and out of control of himself so they rely on us to help them regulate themselves.

We also had the poor sleep and you know the napping doesn't help but you pay big time by letting them miss it. Sounds like you have him in a bed, a sleep consultant advised us to put him back in a cot and it has really helped. So if that's the case id give that a go .. if you've removed other things like a bedtime bottle of milk etc id try bringing that back again too as it can help them feel safer, especially through a regression stage which could be the case here.

Thanks.

We've just given away his cot to a friend. 😶

He does love cuddling his milk beaker though when sleeping (and sipping from it once in a while) so I'll try that again tomorrow.

Has he just moved to a bed? With DS we put a stairgate over his bedroom door and his bedroom is was safe. For the first few days after moving into the bed he was utterly delighted that he could get out and play with his toys and we just let him on the assumption it was novelty, and he did actually take himself off to bed in the end! He settled down back to his normal routine pretty quickly. If he called for us he got nothing though, just taken back to bed and we left.