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Parenting

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Original poster

12 year old ASD wants a new family

10 replies

londongirloftwo · 05/03/2023 18:11

Hi, my son keeps asking to have a new family or different parents. He also asks to have a DNA test and if the DNA test shows he is related to someone else then he would move to live with them. I'm not sure how to handle it. At the moment I try to talk it through with him. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:

Thingsthatgo · 05/03/2023 18:15

Are the rest of the family NT? It might be his way of saying that he feels that he doesn't fit in. That he feels different and has different needs. Is he angry and upset when he says it?

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 05/03/2023 18:21

Is this said in anger or when things aren't going his own way?

Is he significantly the "odd one out" in your family? Is he loved,accepted and understood by his family? Does he have any common interests with other members of his family?

MakeMineADouble81 · 05/03/2023 18:22

Does it happen when your son is annoyed with you or his siblings? My son (11) who has ADHD regularly says this when he gets upset or things aren't going his way. I don't think he really means it though and I've been putting it down to his issues with impulse control.

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ViburnumFarreri · 05/03/2023 18:23

Have you asked him what he thinks would be different in his new family?

Choconut · 05/03/2023 18:25

Ask him what he'd like his new family to be like and then try to accommodate some of those things would be my suggestion. He's obviously struggling with some things at home and like any child thinks it would be wonderful if only his parents were like x, y or z.
Please don't take it personally though! And tell him that you love him and are so glad he's part of your family.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 05/03/2023 18:29

My DNA test showed that I'm related to thousands of people. Explain to him that being related to someone doesn't mean that you can just go and live with them.

Mariposista · 05/03/2023 18:46

He is trying to get a reaction out of you. Ignore it.

Original poster

londongirloftwo · 05/03/2023 20:15

He isn't annoyed usually quite matter of fact and this is how I feel and will ask how he can have a different family.
Choconut - yup asked him this, how he would like his family to be different and he doesn't know or doesn't articulate it - sometimes says he wants to live in the countryside or have a dog.

OP posts:

Original poster

londongirloftwo · 05/03/2023 20:17

MakeMineADouble81 · 05/03/2023 18:22

I think this might be it, he is saying it as he is thinking it and can't help my say exactly what is thinking. Thank you.

OP posts:

LogicVoid · 19/03/2023 10:23

As a person with ASD, I might be able to offer another perspective. When I was around your son's age I started to feel disconnected in both family and friendship groups. I'd fantasise about being adopted, and going to live with my 'real family'. At an extreme level, I'd even fantasise that I wasn't from this planet.

However, the point is, this didn't reflect actual family relationships and issues. It was literally 'all about me'. As I approached adolescence all those usual issues around identity and belonging emerged. And, when you throw neurodiversity into the mix, there's a huge disconnect between what you think is, and what actually is. Think of it as a major cognitive dissonance, with the brain trying to find a rationale for the discrepancies in social communication and relationships.

If practicable, think about getting him a dog. Do your research, and enable him to be a good owner, engage in activities that benefit both, and perhaps even the whole family. But the primary relationship with the dog should be for him. It will help fill the sensory and emotional needs he has in the here and now.

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