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Original poster

Help - mil

25 replies

sparkle1011 · 05/03/2023 16:20

My mother in law had a fall out with my husband just after our baby was born ( she wasn't supportive and has a very unhealthy toxic relationship with her other daughter which has affected my husband all his life ) but I decided to still visit her so she could see baby ( thought I was doing the right thing )
Baby is 7months

Anyway...she has now suggested my husband may have severe PND for men....he doesn't and she's just not able to admit any fault of her own or her daughters so she is pointing the blame at him ( something she's done to him for years )

I don't want the drama and I want to support my husband

Visting her the times I have done aren't working out but now she's asked when we are coming this well.....what would you do ?hubby was happy with the arrangement but when I visit her she is very negative

Advice welcome 🤗

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2023 16:22

Leave him to arrange to see her. If he doesn’t bother then it won’t happen. When she asks when she’s seeing you again tell her to contact DH about a time then do nothing further.

amiold · 05/03/2023 16:22

Just say you won't be.

You were visiting for her to see baby. You don't want involved in their fall out but you can't sit back and listen to her "diagnose" him with illnesses that aren't true. He's a good dad and all she needs to do is apologise for her behaviour.

daisypond · 05/03/2023 16:26

Well, DH can visit her with the baby. You don’t have to go.

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CharodNeDu · 05/03/2023 16:37

I read that as your Dh isn't seeing his Mother but you decided to keep seeing her with the baby so she could see the baby. She diagnosed him with PND for men because he hasn't relented and come to visit her too. Maybe I am wrong but what stands out to me is this

has affected my husband all his life

This woman has caused your Dh immense pain, why are you facilitating a relationship with her? I wouldn't. A child does not need a toxic grandparent. I speak as someone who was subjected to one. Just because you are related by blood/marriage to someone does not mean you have to have a relationship with them. She hardly sounds positive, so cut contact.

Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 09:27

Just to clarify - I had a very good relationship with mil before baby and my husband has suppressed his child hood trauma until now.

He agreed that I should visit with baby for
The interim as we thought we were doing the right thing ...

I've now decided I cannot do any more visits because of her comments on the last visit and overall of how my husband feels

I didn't want to get involved in any drama but I totally agree that I do need to cut contact and I just didn't want to get into a text war with her

She is saying she isn't sleeping, eating, missing out on her grandchild etc

It's emotional blackmail

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 09:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2023 16:22

Leave him to arrange to see her. If he doesn’t bother then it won’t happen. When she asks when she’s seeing you again tell her to contact DH about a time then do nothing further.

He wont visit her as she has asked for her to acknowledge her behaviour and to embark on counselling if she wants to make things right....she has refused both options

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 06/03/2023 09:30

but now she's asked when we are coming this well.....what would you do ?

What does this mean? This week?

LinesAndDot · 06/03/2023 09:32

Make it clear that you come as a family, and if she won’t agree to DH’s plan, then DH won’t be taking the baby to see her. You aren’t involved.

If she has refused both his options, then she can’t also claim to be upset about not seeing the baby, as she knows exactly what she needs to do in order to do so.

Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 09:33

@Shinyandnew1 sorry yes typo
This week. Think she feels weekly visits is enough but she's fulfilling her needs at the moment

I just can't continue with it and it's just wording it so I can get my point across without her giving me war and peace x

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 09:34

LinesAndDot · 06/03/2023 09:32

Make it clear that you come as a family, and if she won’t agree to DH’s plan, then DH won’t be taking the baby to see her. You aren’t involved.

If she has refused both his options, then she can’t also claim to be upset about not seeing the baby, as she knows exactly what she needs to do in order to do so.

Yes exactly. She's adamant she won't go to counselling as she feels she's done nothing wrong! That's the whole problem
X

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 06/03/2023 09:42

You should have supported dh by staying away like him.

Surely you can see she isn't dgm material op?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2023 09:44

It absolutely is blackmail and you don’t need to indulge it by getting any sort of exchange. You can block her if she’s upsetting you.

You’ve given it a go and it hasn’t worked because she’s unreasonable, nasty and manipulative. Your husband will want ti protect you and DD from her worst features and that’s sensible.

I’m sorry it’s so difficult.

Ladybug14 · 06/03/2023 09:45

Of course she feels she's done nothing wrong

Shes unlikely to admit her failings bearing in mind what you've said about her so far

It always amazes me that we think other human beings will change because we think they should change

They will change IF THEY SEE A REASON TO CHANGE

That's it

So now you and DH decide what you do re visiting

Ignore MIL bullshit drama and poor me

Decide between you

Sorted

Hooklander · 06/03/2023 09:45

Btw, OP, here's a life lesson from me (an old gimmer now) - you don't have to read 'war and peace' texts. I personally don't read text messages longer than a paragraph.

It started for me years ago. I began to respond to walls of text with, 'I'm not reading all that.' I'd delete things, mute people. It was very freeing.

I'd suggest you go with what @LinesAndDot said; and tell her that you don't require a lengthy reply, as anything more than an acknowledgement won't be read because you are not in the mood for her silly arguments.

EyesOnThePies · 06/03/2023 09:45

I would send her a message, or call her, and say that you had hoped for some reconciliation between her and DH but that since she has refused his suggestions for a way forward you now feel you need to support your DH. Tell her you are sorry if she finds this upsetting but you will be open to contact in the future IF she engages in any process or communication that is open to looking at her own role in their relationship breakdown.

But for now, you wish her well but will not be complicating matters by being in contact.

And block all responses, don’t be drawn into further discussion or rise to threats / hysteria / blackmail.

Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 10:08

EyesOnThePies · 06/03/2023 09:45

I would send her a message, or call her, and say that you had hoped for some reconciliation between her and DH but that since she has refused his suggestions for a way forward you now feel you need to support your DH. Tell her you are sorry if she finds this upsetting but you will be open to contact in the future IF she engages in any process or communication that is open to looking at her own role in their relationship breakdown.

But for now, you wish her well but will not be complicating matters by being in contact.

And block all responses, don’t be drawn into further discussion or rise to threats / hysteria / blackmail.

Thank you yes I'll do this
It's a hard situation and for those saying I should have supported DH I have done and we've made the decisions together
I don't really want to spend my time with anyone toxic but I've done it for the greater good - incase he ever changes his mind and wants to re build bridges but she has made that impossible
I kind of visited as he was asking me to not because just to see the baby

It's hard not to go into full detail and I've summarised but honestly I've done all I can to support DH and the last visit was not ok

X

OP posts:
ThatCantBeTrue · 06/03/2023 10:10

Stop visiting. Give your dp the help he needs to get over that relationship

Shinyandnew1 · 06/03/2023 10:13

I kind of visited as he was asking me to not because just to see the baby

I’m not sure sure what you mean here either. Do you mean he was asking you to visit his mum?

Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 10:13

ThatCantBeTrue · 06/03/2023 10:10

Stop visiting. Give your dp the help he needs to get over that relationship

He wanted me to visit ! But I'm agreeing I am stopping the visits

I wanted help wording it so it goes through to her

She has a habit of not listening and sending long all about me messages and i don't want one of those but good idea about poster who said not to respond x

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 10:14

Shinyandnew1 · 06/03/2023 10:13

I kind of visited as he was asking me to not because just to see the baby

I’m not sure sure what you mean here either. Do you mean he was asking you to visit his mum?

Yes he wanted me to go in the interim so that no one missed out - we had no plan of moving forward other than her to acknowledge and go to counselling.....to which she has refused both

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 06/03/2023 10:17

What @EyesOnThePies said.
She’s done a number on your DH and now she’s started on you (emotional blackmail). If you’re not firm with her she’ll carry on down this toxic path and it will start to affect your child.

ColadhSamh · 06/03/2023 10:26

Bunnyishotandcross · 06/03/2023 09:42

You should have supported dh by staying away like him.

Surely you can see she isn't dgm material op?

Agree with this. You said you had a good relationship with her before you had the baby.
I'm not sure how that worked given you knew what your husband had been through with her.

Tell her you won't be visiting and be clear about why. I wouldn't tell her again what she needs to do. She shouldn't need a reminder.
. Stop thinking about her and support your husband. You will also be protecting your child from a repeat of your husband's childhood.

Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 10:29

@ColadhSamh it ' worked ' because that's what my husband wanted!
Am I not being clear ? Do we all not have things we feel should have been better ?
I've been with my husband 9 years and take his lead on it, I'm not just having a relationship behind his back

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkle1011 · 06/03/2023 10:29

And I'm not thinking of her ! I am thinking of my husband

OP posts:
EL8888 · 06/03/2023 11:20

Hooklander · 06/03/2023 09:45

Btw, OP, here's a life lesson from me (an old gimmer now) - you don't have to read 'war and peace' texts. I personally don't read text messages longer than a paragraph.

It started for me years ago. I began to respond to walls of text with, 'I'm not reading all that.' I'd delete things, mute people. It was very freeing.

I'd suggest you go with what @LinesAndDot said; and tell her that you don't require a lengthy reply, as anything more than an acknowledgement won't be read because you are not in the mood for her silly arguments.

@Hooklander all excellent points. The medium of text message is also handy for her so
it’s less of a debate. Its like when my mother sends me her bat shit letters -she can talk AT me rather than have an actual discussion back and forth

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