Repair relationship with 2 year old

[usernotavailable23]

Name changed for this because I post regularly particularly in the parenting / babies etc threads and I feel a little lost

Before replying to this thread, I beg of you hand holding and positive advice only, I am feeling slightly fragile two weeks post birth.

DS is 2.5. 2 weeks ago we welcomed DD into the world as well.

DS is a lovely boy, he's been ever so gentle with his sister, he's funny, he's clever and generally is quite well behaved but is still a typical 2 year old

My problem is somewhere along the line, he's stopped liking me. And I know a lot of parents say that, but I genuinely think that our relationship is suffering.

Whilst pregnant and recently, my temper has definitely been shorter and I have been way snappier and shoutier with him than I'd like to be. (I lost my shit at him the other day when he tipped the steriliser on the floor and 5 litres of water went everywhere!)
Because of my lack of patience, and me saying certain things to him, i genuinely think our relationship has suffered. (When I'm angry I tell him to go away etc - yes I know it's awful)

He won't let me do anything. He tells me 'mummy go away' (not surprised) cries when I try to do anything fun with him, shouts for daddy all the time, doesn't come to me when he's upset anymore it's always daddy.

I always try and let him be involved in things he wants to be (I.E the washing as he loves to help)

Since his sister came along he has been hitting me and his dad in frustration and I expected his behaviour to go down somewhat as he's no longer the only child and is adjusting. That's fine. But he will hit me etc for absolutely no reason. If he's having a full on meltdown there is nothing I can do or say to comfort him. He just wants dad

Has anyone got any tips on how I can fix this
I'm so worried that I've done permanent damage and that it's only going to get worse. The more he fights me off, the less I want to bother trying as I just feel hurt by it (I know - he's 2 and it's not the correct way to think)

Since DD came along, some of the PND thoughts etc has returned too so I'm finding it extra hard

Thank you if you read all of that, sorry for the long post!

Also I'll add that it's got to the point now where I dread spending any 1 on 1 time with him without my partner there because I worry he won't listen to me or have any fun with me which is heart breaking

Awwhh no. Is there anyway you could spend some nice one on one time with him and maybe let him decorate some pancakes or a fun breakfast. Or decorate biscuits or something like that. I always remember being very popular with mine when pancakes or biscuits were an activity.

Or take him to chose a nice toy or to the park?

Basically bribery.

😂

I missed the bit at the end. Please don't be too hard on yourself and talk to the doctor if you're feeling down. xxx

With the best will in the world: he'll get over it. When a sibling comes along our whole world suddenly becomes one of our worlds. Kept loving him, praise him for being a great big brother, do one on one things when you can, but give yourself a break too. You sound like a lovely mum.

I'm sorry, ds1 was the same when ds2 arrived. The relationship will repair itself.

Can you spend 121 time with ds? I know you're finding it hard without your dp there, so maybe keep expectations low - trip to library, feeding the ducks if there are any nearby? Or to a cafe for an ice cream? Doesn't have to be long periods of time.

My ds1 is 14 now and he tells me he has never quite got over not being the baby anymore, but we and they get on well most of the time!

Look after yourself, try not to be too hard on yourself. It's a tough time 💐.

You don't need to mollycoddle him or not discipline him if he is behaving badly, but you need to get your temper in check. A 2 year old won't respond to lack of patience, snapping, snarling - he's not your husband who can perhaps take that sort of treatment on the chin a bit more. It sounds like he trusts his dad more to be kind to him, but he is young enough that this can be repaired. You need to show him 'nice mummy' for a while. Do something with him 1-1 while DH cares for the baby regularly. Little and often, let him build his trust in you again.

Definitely nothing that can't be fixed. I found the book " how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" really helpful. Some of the strategies are applicable to younger kids.

Stop taking it personally. He's telling you how he feels. It's not about you, it's about his situation.

If it's any consolation my relationship was like that with my DD when she was a similar age. She always preferred dad but at that point she just couldn't stand me as I was struggling to be patient with her. I had a terrible second pregnancy and some miserable family circumstances and I was suffering from AND. It's not an excuse for me being snappish it's just an explanation.

Fast forward 17 years and she's now 19 and we have just the best relationship. I had many rocky years with her but I kept trying to remind myself I was the adult and she would love me whatever my behaviour. What would be altered would be what kind of adult she'd become. And she is brill. She's still a teenager and has her moments, but overall I'm so proud of her, and of me for trying to be the best mum I could. And for forgiving myself when I wasn't. Big love to you- it will get better.

Thank you all for your words of support and kindness (other than the one poster)

DS is at nursery for wed, Thu and Fri
My partner went back to work this week so I have survived 2 days of solo parenting 2 children

DP has agreed to take the rest of the months Mondays and Tuesdays off to support me whilst I get back on track after having the baby

I realise this is a huge change for him, and that I need to be more rational.

We'll get there, and it's nice to know that I'm not the only person who's been in this situation

Thank you all

OP I could have written this post a couple of weeks back. My DD2 is now 8 weeks old & I think we've all started to settle into our new family dynamic a little bit more. There's still some misbehaviour from the 3 Yr old & still some impatience and a lot of guilt with me, but things are gettig better. I do feel like my relationship with DD1 has changed but accepting its not necessarily a bad thing...

Hi OP, it must be so hard. I feel for you. You're right I think that he's really feeling it and showing his feelings. It's soo hard to regulate your own emotions with wee ones. I find it v hard. But if you can try and pause, take a breath before reacting and focus on him having a hard time it might start to help with practice.
And yes one to one time is the way to go, but keep it really, really small and simple and regular. If you can, start with 10 or 15 mins, be precise and set a timer. Call it special time and let him choose what to do /play with. Let him be in control and get down on the gloor with him and just acknowledge what he's doing. Forget your mind list for those 10 mins and focus just on him. When times up, give him a cuddle, say how much you enjoyed it, and reassure him you'll do it again tomorrow (or the afternoon if you can). He will most likely have a meltdown when he finishes, but that's OK. Just allow him his feelings, and don't extend the time. Then, have a cuddle or make him laugh.
In fact, making him laugh by chasing him or letting him chase you is really good as well as special time. I've been doing these with my angry older child and it's really helping but it's recommended from v young .
You do sound like you're feeling low and that makes it harder to regulate your own emotions. Definitely see your gp sooner rather than later so you can help yourself before helping your wee one. You're doing your best.

We have a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. Since the youngest came along my partner and I have tried to take it in turn doing things with the kids, eg one night I do bathtime, one night my partner does bathtime etc. In our case I think that has really helped. We have also tried to include my youngest in every day activities, eg at story time with my eldest we all sit together. It has helped with creating one on one time without too much disruption.

That said it took time and a lot of Mum guilt for me to find a balance that worked for us. Having 2 kids is a wonderful privilege but logistically brutal. You’ll get there. Big hugs.

PS you are not alone. I don’t know anyone who has said to me that the transition to 2 kids was easy.

@usernotavailable23

(((HUG)))

it will all be ok xx

Hes just a bit cross he's not your only focus now. All kinds of behaviour can regress, just wanting to be your baby again. It's hard to keep your cool with a newborn and all that goes with that, when your 2year old does something typical of a 2 year old like tip the steriliser over & dump 6 litres of water on the floor!!

unless it's repeated bad behaviour & deliberate, you just have to 'fake it until you make it'. 'Ooops DS, never mind I really needed to mop the floor! Let's get it cleaned up then we can make a cup of tea & have a biscuit'

its HARD in the moment, when you just want to cry/scream, but it'll help you, as well as him!

try not to make things about the baby - So for example don't say you need to stop playing to changes the baby's nappy or get a bottle, say it's time for a cartoon/lunch/you making a drink/anything but the baby. Do what you've said then just quietly sort the baby out.

whenyou can, put the baby in the Moses basket or whatever safe space you have in the living area & play with him/read a book.

the baby will be fine.

he doesn't dislike you, he loves you! He needs to just see that things are different, but he's your Big Boy now & you love him just as much!!

it'll all be fine! Guaranteed!!

Someone on another thread said expecting an older sibling to welcome a younger sibling to live in the house is the same expecting your spouse/partner to move their new girlfriend/boyfriend into the home and be happy about it.

Try not to be hard on yourself or your ds. You’re all muddling through right now. He’s got some big feelings (as have you) and he doesn’t know what to do with them as his mummy normally helps him with this. Lots of patience and kindness to both him and yourself will slowly help your ds to adapt to the changes. And a trip to the GP will help. Your dp sounds very supportive, which is great.

Op this is me too right now. DS1 is 2.5 years and ds2 is 5 weeks. I had an awful day yesterday. Ds1 is great to his brother but is taking it out on me. I also told him to go away yesterday because I was so angry and frustrated. I was awake doing nappy change at 4am with ds2 feeling awful about my short temper and an snappiness with ds1.

First thing I did this morning was say sorry to ds1 for yesterday. I then forced myself to the park with both for the first time. Wasn't easy but ds1 goes loopy at home all day. I have been love bombing him today and trying lots of positive sentences "oh I loved being at the park with you this morning" etc. When he wouldn't help tidy away the toys, I felt myself getting angry so I took big deep breaths then tried again using a different tactic "which three toys would you like to help put in the box?"

It's taken a few deep breaths and pausing before I reacted but we've managed. I made up a game today with him at lunch as well where he had to guess the vehicle I was thinking of and had so much fun he had a small meltdown when his dad tried to take him out his seat. We realised he was just finally having fun with mum for the first proper time in a while so we did 3 more and then he was fine. Now we're on the sofa with some TV.

It's hard, op. I've not been a great mum at all to my toddler these last 5 weeks. And yesterday I felt dreadful about it. It can be repaired though and I know we'll find our routine at some point. I think having awareness is already an important point which you have.

Thank you all

I do set timers with him to set expectation and when it's me, him and his sister, he is consuming all of my attention at the moment other than when the baby needs feeding or changing (I feel so guilty for not giving her all of the snuggles)

When I am doing something for the baby, I make a point of telling the toddler that 'mummy can't do it right now, she can in 5/10 mins' and will even set a timer for him then if I can. I try not to tell him I can't do something because of the baby as I don't want him to see it as her fault as such.

@Doowop1919 sending you hugs. We can get through this - it's crazy isn't it all of these emotions that we have of guilt and frustration and sadness for each of them. We've got this 🤍

I've been through the same having 2 under 2, and soon 3, 3 and under. I get moodier with my son who is very boisterous and careless, and I've also lost it more times that I'd like with him. From your son's perspective he might think you've stopped loving him and that he's been replaced by his sister which might be making him act off and be more difficult... It's not too late, I know it's hard with a little baby but maybe you can get dad or nanny to have your baby for a little bit and spend some time 1 to 1 with your son. He might reject you at first but don't get frustrated, just keep trying, show him that you love him, get him a treat,... In time he'll forget and he'll enjoy playing with his little sister

He's angry because of the change and he is unable to process it. That's why he's hitting because he doesn't have the brain capacity or words to tell you what's wrong so the only way he knows how is to hit. I completely understand how you feel and for at least 6m after DC2 arrived I thought I had broke DC1. I thought our relationship was broken and I was angry at her for ruining such a lovely time of welcoming the new baby. Remember you are the adult and although you are healing and repairing after birth (goodness I feel for you!) you need to not react to his behaviour. DC1 used to scream to wind me up and wake the baby up. I just started to say " when you're ready tell me in your normal voice" and repeated it until she stopped shouting. Could you try, "hands are not for hitting, when you are ready tell me with your words" ? It does get better OP but it's hard! DCs World has been turned upside down but he will come back. Be gentle with him and be gentle with yourself.

So we're now 4 1/2 months into having 2 babies...

He actually turns 3 tomorrow!!

He has been better, the hitting is less which is good. The throwing not so much but I guess that's normal toddler behaviour.

I've spent some more time with him when I can, and even in the last few months he's able to communicate better that basically he's jealous. He will tell me 'put Hallie down' or 'I want cuddle now' right when I'm feeding her so we're making progress.

Don't get me wrong it's still challenging and I'm still finding it hard not to get frustrated with him when he says things like wanting a cuddle when I've just started feeding her but we're getting there!

I took him to the zoo a couple of a weeks ago just me and him and we had a lovely day
Today DP took the baby and me and him went to the shops and he was good as gold.

Tomorrow is his 3rd birthday (sob) and we're off to butlins for the week so I hope he loves spending time with us.

I've currently got awful sciatica which isn't helping tbh as I can't pick him up etc like he wants me too

But if anyone else does read this thread and feels the same, IT DOES GET BETTER