What age to tell children 'big things'?

[xmasmorningpaper]

A christmas name so this can't be easily searched against my normal name. :)

I am very unsure how to introduce certain topics to dd. She is currently 2.

The main subject that I am unsure about is that DH and I were both married before to other people, and, to complicate things, my ex-husband had a sex change. Dd knows my ex-husband as 'aunty Claire' and she is a part of our lives. I think that Claire's opinion would be that she wouldn't want DD (or anyone) to know about our past, but I want to be honest with her about it because I think it will MESS with her head if she finds out when she is 14 that mummy used to be married to Aunty Claire.

I have no idea what the right answer is to this. DD has seen my wedding pictures (she looks through our photo albums sometimes) and obviously has no real understanding of what it means that we used to be married - but I don't want to 'cover it up' and DH and I occasionally talk about our ex-spouses. DH's ex-wife sends dd presents on birthday etc, and so far we have just described her as 'daddy's friend'.

How have other people dealt with telling their children about previous marriages (or complicated ones!)?

I think it might mess with her head if she found out before she was old enough to have any idea about sexuality - by 14 it would probably be OK. Presumably when she looks at your previous wedding pics you refer to your ex as something other than Aunty Claire?

Does she ask where your ex-h is yet? Assume not, at 2 - but as she is getting presents from DH's ex-wife, she will probably start to wonder when she's older - I think she is far too little to go anywhere near explaining now.

Let her ask questions as she needs to and answer as honestly as you can. I don't think you can do anything else really.

think if you tell children things when they are young they just accept it - would advise truth - just say that the picture shows claire when she was a man - if you are happy with something your child will be.
we have nothing so complex, but DP's family have several re-marriages, half brothers etc, & DP & I are not married - the children just accept what we explain & ask sensible questions - why is grandad going to have more children with {new wife} (younger than me) - answer - may do - wait & see!!!

Remarriages are one thing though, sex changes something else - a bit much for pre-schoolers to handle (and most primary schoolers too).

Two responses from either end of the spectrum. :) My gut feeling is that I'd rather introduce it EARLY so she can just accept it. She has two gay godfathers (each partnered) and we haven't thought twice about explaining that. I tend to think that little children can handle big things better when they are small and it is introduced early - after all, it's no crazier than the fact that you mustn't stick a fork into a plug or you'll die, is it...?! I don't know really.

A friend of mine's daughter (aged 9) has just found out that her dad used to be married to someone else, and is utterly DEVASTATED. Really made me think.

I think I would tell her now, very simply, and she'll probably just accept it. I certainly agree that finding out when she is 14 could be very traumatic.

One of dh's waifs and strays who knocks on our door from time to time is an (incredibly bad) cross-dresser. [I struggle to keep a straight face every time I see them, they look so funny.] Now, I know it's a long way from a sex change, but my incredibly curious and questioning boys have readily accepted that X wants to be a woman, and wants to be called Y and wears women's clothes.

Yes, but they are older, and have seen the evidence - I still think it's too much for a 2-yr-old to grasp - if a man can become a woman, can an elephant become a giraffe? If not, why not? Discuss!

You have to do what feels right to you anyway, mp (xmp even!) I suppose she doesn't need to grasp it, just believe it. Good luck

Hiya, I don't know if this will help but my best friend is a gay man. My ds (3yrs) spends time with him and has a long term boyfriend. My ds knows that xxxx is uncle xxxxx's boyfriend and has never questioned it as he has never considered it to be strange. IMO we as adults see some things as tricky subjects when small children just don't. To make it a bit more complicated my friend is also an ex boyfriend, but then this is a subject that ds is never really likely to touch apon. But i wouldn't keep it from him. If Claire is happy for your dd to know then i agree with athomemum, if when she asks you about xh, or looks at pictures you simply say "that claire used to be a man and this is a picture of her then" She'll see it as exceptable. If you keep it a secret from her she may wonder why and think there is something wrong with it. but i would only tell as she asks, iykwim. The major thing that would concern me is if Claire wasn't happy with it, and concerns that dd (being so young) may blurt it out to the wrong people. Good luck .

I know Janh, thinking about it I am surprised that neither of my two have questioned it particularly, along the lines of - for example - do other men decide to become women? Will Daddy? Will I?! But they haven't, it's just something specifically linked to X in their minds and their experience. Ds2 was only 3 when he first came across X.

I can't remember when children really become aware that they are a 'girl' or a 'boy' and there are differences. Is it about age 2 or later?

xmasmorningpaper, whilst I understand JanH's point imhe children acept event the most difficult things if that is what they are used to and have grown up with. Dd was brought up surrounded by a wide range of people ( of different sexualities) and just accepted it. One doesn't need to explain the issues in any detail until dd starts asking questions and then, as with everything, answer honestly but appropriately to her age. Dh's 'brother' is in the process of having a sex change and ds just knows her as Aunty X who happens to have a female partner. Other people can make issues out of such things but that is a life lesson in itself. At some point the sex change issue will come up but I cannot imagine it being an issue for some time yet by which time your dd relationship with Aunty Clare will have grown further and she will just have accepted that Mummy (and Daddy) were married before. HTH

My older two accepted very early (2 or 3?) a complicated situation along the lines of: "Well, X is J's Mummy 'cos he grew in her tummy, and Y is his mummy too 'cos X and Y love each other and live in the same house, and J's Daddy lives in London with Z who is sort of J's Daddy too."

Later they picked up the terms 'gay' and 'lesbian' without missing a beat; with the pleasing result that they were baffled when other kids in the playground started using these words as terms of abuse.

I'd just talk about it as simply as possible, without giving any unnecessary detail, making sure that whatever line you take is likely to be followed by other people who might be talking to her about it. It's not that different to the tricky line you have to tread with sex ed. in general -- ie. being sufficiently open to indicate to the child that you're prepared to discuss certain topics they might not want to bring up unprompted, but not forcing on them information they can't deal with yet. FWIW, I don't think you should hush it up till she's older.

Hi. I'm a member of the 'honesty is the best policy' school of thought. Having said that it's not without it's problems. I always answer my kids' questions when they arise, and as a result when someone called another child 'gay' in the playground, and the playground helper said that gay means happy, DD said 'well it also means something else. It means a man who has a boyfriend or a woman who has a girlfriend'. She was told by the helper 'your Mother has no right to tell you things like that!!!'. Another time she mentioned that she knew where babies come from (as I was pg at the time) and the same woman told her she was the kind of girl who would become pregnant at 15!!! I was furious. DD is 10 and DS is 7, and both of them know about babies (although not the mechanics of sex as they haven't asked), periods, homosexuality etc, and neither of them batted an eyelid. I think, IMO, that it is far more damaging for them to feel confused when they hear playground whispers about things, and are then laughed at when they don't know. Is that making sense? BUT...they are a lot older than 2; only you really know how your little one would handle it. I think kids are a lot more accepting than adults. Incidentally, I found out when I was married that both my Mum and Dad had been married before, and that I have half brothers and sisters that I didn't know about, and also that they only got married when I was 13! I was devastated...had I known when I was little it wouldn't have mattered one iota.

I think be open too.

You all sound very chilled about the whole thing, so I'm quite sure she'll pick up the same attitude.

(Quite irrelevantly, why is Claire such a popular name among transwomen? I know two. And I'm fairly sure I don't know your ex-husband.)

This touched a sensitive note for me.

A few years back a good and close friend of mine got divorced. It was painful and seemingly pointless - they had always got on well and both doted on their ( then ) 4 year old dd. He never gave her a satisfying reason for wanting out and just kept saying that she didn't want him and that he wouldn't stay around forever with someone who didn't want him. they tried counselling but he'd never stay the session. He put her through an incredible amount of upset and stress.

Finally, jsut before the divorce cam through he wrote to her begging forgiveness and saying that he was a woman trapped in a man's body and just had never felt comfortable physically with her but couldn't tell her that so he'd made up a barrel of lies to get out of the marriage. She was understandably both devastated and furious - the latter because she'd spent 2 years trying to work on herself to show him love and appreciateion ( which he'd said was lacking) and exhausting herself in counselling sessions to save a marriage that was over years before anyway.

The main concern however was the child. We live in a community where these things are pretty taboo and this friend of mine was terrified that it would get out and her hcild would be stigmatised.

She ended up leaving the country and we fell out of touch ( she left me no contact details and basically I think wanted to start afresh.) Her exdh went to Amsterdam and started the process to become a woman. Some way into the process ( and when we were still in touch) he came to visit the dd( who was then about 5ish) and my friend said she nearly vomited from shock and upset. The last time she had seen her dh he'd been a man and now he was something in between. he had long hair and finger nails and was wearing make up although his face was still masculine. His previous muscular body had been reduced to flab and he was growing breasts.

She ended up refusing to let him see dd ( who she say's wuold have been frighteend to see her daddy looking so strange - his voice was also breaking as well). I think tha they have no contact with him anymore.

She always said that she didn't have a clue how she'd deal with it when dd grew up and asked her where daddy was or what would happen if dd asked to see her daddy. They'd been living in separate countries for work reasons for a good part of the marriage anyway so the dd wasn't used to living with the dad or seeng him reguaraly.

I think the decision was eventually made ( by mother and father) that fatehr should just not be in dd's life. I often think of my friend and have tried so hard to get in touch but haven't managed to find her.

Thanks so much, lots of good advice here. I think I will leave it for a bit because at the moment she isn't asking many questions. But when she does, I think we will just explain it to her as matter-of-factly as possible. We actually have another transsexual in the family (purely coincidence!) so it's something that I think we need to tackle before she is too old.

Marmaladesun: I'm shocked at the attitude of your playground helper! I can't believe people still think like that, it is unbelievebly ignorant.

Hi xmasmorningpaper. I too was shocked by this ridiculous woman's statements. Even more so as I brought it to DDs teacher's attention at parent's evening and, as far as I know, she never even bothered mentioning it to the head. The upshot of this is that next week is their last week at this school, and they are starting at a new school in January. These were just examples of commonplace occurences in this school...not one offs.

Marmaladesun- I'd have been FURIOUS! Not only is it not her place to say what you should and shouldn't say to your kids, but to say that your daughter will be pregnant at 15 because of i? Surely a child who's knows the facts is less likely to get into trouble! Plus, talk about a backwards attitude!

Interesting discussion. I think I'd go for being open and truthful too but keep it very simple for now as 2 is very young to grasp this stuff.

Interesting discussion. I think I'd go for being open and truthful too but keep it very simple for now as 2 is very young to grasp this stuff.

Wow interesting discussion. I want to tell my boys that their daddy (my dh) has been married before. And that they have a grown up half sister. My dh has no contact with his daughter (long story) and she is now 22. My boys are 6 and 3. But dh doesn't want them to know - basically thinks it's not necessary. Wheras I agree with those on here that say if you tell them young it isn't such a big thing.

I really must have this discussion again with him ..... It's probably the only thing we have ever really disagreed on .

Pockettasha..I was furious. Problem was, DD told me about an hour after giving birth, and I was unable (emotionally) to deal with it rationally, as all I wanted to do was go to the school and rip her head off! And yes, I do believe that armed with the facts she is less likely to 'get herself into trouble'. I haven't told the school that the children are leaving yet; when I do I will be pointing out to the head just how useless, and indeed dangerous, her staff are to children. the woman should be fired IMO.

I am in a similar position to kayleigh and we have decided to tell the children (well maybe notdd as i dont think she will be capable of understanding) but ds as soon as we think he will understand. I really want to be as honest as possible. We dont keep a secret from anyone we know so the children will know aswell, no metter how difficult explaining it to them will be

i agree with issymum. Not sure when to start explaining this all to your daughter, but suggest that she should know everything before puberty ( another tip from the adoption community)

SantaFio2, How old are your children ?

Kayleigh, they are 5 and 3. DD is non verbal and has quite severe disabilities, so i dont think she will ever understand. DS is 3 so i dont think we will be putting it off for much longer (maybe til he is 5 or 6 ?) unsure. It is very hard to broach really!