5 year old doesn't want a sibling - help!

[AnxiousFish]

I wondered if anyone has any advice about sharing the news of a new baby with a first born who is adamant they don't want a sibling?

My DD is 5 and although we have always wanted a second, we've experienced recurrent pregnancy loss and she's become very used to being and only. In fact, for a while we thought it might never happen so we went quite hard on all the great things about being a family of three. I obviously regret that now!

I'm now pregnant and it's looking like this one might stick. We know the sex. We haven't told DD yet but whenever there is mention of babies or siblings, she's adamant she doesn't want one.

How can we a) maybe lay some groundwork to make it a more appealing idea and b) share the news with her in a sensitive way and c) help her through any upset?

This is a very much wanted baby for DH and I and I hate the thought that she will be distressed before they're even here!

Thank you :)

Can you get her a big sister present? We had something “from” the baby when we came home from hospital but you could do something when you tell her as well?

Read new baby books together?

You might not be able to make her see it as a good thing though. I think you need to validate her feelings when you tell her as she’ll likely be worried that she won’t get as much attention/love etc which is totally reasonable. If you go on and on about how great it is when she thinks it’s awful you might end up in a worse place because she doesn’t feel listened to iyswim?

Are there any daily rituals you could establish now when you’re pregnant that you’ll be able to keep up when baby is here? eg special bedtime story / something when she comes home from school / kitchen disco at breakfast. Something where she’s the centre of attention just for a few minutes each day

Everything the first poster said.

Also try not to worry. It's very normal for the initial reaction/ feelings in pregnancy from the child to be shit - it's a big bit of news for them.

We told our son he was going to be a big brother with a surprise parcel containing a cute big bro t shirt and scan pic. Well he refused to wear the t shirt, threw the pic on the floor and told me to put it in the bin!

His little sister is nearly one now and they both adore each other. At bedtime he was making his baby sister laugh and laugh and he enjoys playing with her, looking after her etc. (3.5 year age gap).

They come round to the idea

Hey @SamanthaVimes @bakewellbride Thanks for your replies. I agree totally about validating her feelings - I need to try and make sure we're doing that whatever he reaction is. Thank you for the reminder ❤️

It's just been such a long road to get here that I just really want her to be excited about it. But I realise that's more about me than her.

Parenting is hard, isn't it?!

To a certain extent, you need to be less sensitive to DD, in the nicest possible way. One of the things that's beneficial about having a sibling is learning to lump it because you cannot possibly get your way all the time. With multiple children there are often times when you cannot possibly please everyone and you learn to be comfortable with that.

If your question is how to introduce a sibling without any distress to DD - unfortunately that just won't happen. You can prepare the way and minimise upset but it will be an upheaval and she will come through it and be fine.

I'd just be honest - there's a baby growing in mummy's tummy, we're excited because we weren't sure we could have another child, it'll be a big change but we'll always love you. Sometimes you say you don't like the idea of a sibling but one is coming, let's think what babies need and what might change around here.

Get DD involved in choosing baby clothes etc, maybe get her a doll that she can do baby things for. Get books about siblings, if you know babies take her to see them or point them out in parks etc, talk about what 'our baby' will be like. I like the book 'the new small person' by Lauren child that shows the process of adapting to a sibling.

Ultimately you're the adults and she's a child, you call the shots on shaping your family. You don't need her permission!

It's just been such a long road to get here that I just really want her to be excited about it. You really, really need to watch this. You thought there wasn't going to be a sibling, so you pushed the benefits of being a family of three. Now you want to change tack as you want your first child to be happy they will have a sibling.

You sound emotionally controlling. I am not trying to be nasty but this tendency you have can be very damaging for kids.

What you should do with kids is present the non-negotiables as realities and then respond to their authentic feelings.

The healthiest thing to do is to state the sibling is coming, buy a big sister present as stated above and then give the child some space to be themselves, your job is to help them with that.

Read Siblings Without Rivalry asap.

Above poster is right, you can't control her feelings about this and nor should you try.

However she feels about it, your job is to love her regardless and be there to support her through this transition.

I will say that the sooner you let go of your need to control everyone's feelings around this, the easier it'll be. It's a massive upheaval for a sibling to suddenly not be the only one and she has every right to feel grief. You'll probably feel grief yourself at the loss of the previous status quo.

Read the book asap, it's really, really helpful and there's loads of groundwork you can lay for good relationships moving forwards.

You've created a narrative of a family of 3 so what you have to do now is change the narrative. My eldest didn't want a sibling when he was younger (like you, we struggled to have DC2) but now adores his baby sister. The larger age gap (5 years) really helps. I'd start off by noticing which of her friends have younger siblings and commenting on it to her in a positive way, and maybe also reading a few books about babies.

My eldest did not want to be a big sister. Was HORRENDOUS to her when her audited was a newborn.

Got there in the end, now they're best buddies.

We did presents for big sister and I I carried the baby in a sling for WEEKS indoors as she then seemed to disappear for my toddler.