High needs toddler is intense

[Nelburts11]

My DS is and always has been very intense. He’s 20 months old and he’s very needy! He needs constant stimulation and attention and I am drained and exhausted! For the first 8 months of his life, he cried constantly. He’s suffered with silent reflux and wind so it’s been tough for him.. he was the child that screamed the whole way through baby classes because he didn’t want to sit in a circle and sing. We were the parents that left events early because he just wouldn’t settle. Hated his pram, wanted to be in the carrier all day long. Now that he’s 20 months, he is doing more things independently but he is so head strong and determined that he stresses himself out if he can’t do something or doesn’t get his own way.
He can sometimes play alone but it’s not for very long. He wants to be picked up by me a lot but doesn’t really want affection. He won’t really cuddle - he’s never been one to snuggle up to watch tv etc. (we could never rock him to sleep or lay him in our arms because he would just crane his neck to get up). If I pick him up and hug him, he will literally push me away.
Anyway, when I pick him up he will just point and lean to where he wants to go. He will pull me by my hand, at least 20 times a day to the kitchen for some food.. which he will take a bite of and throw on the floor.. before wanting to go back for something else! He will have a huge meltdown if I say no. I’m trying my hardest to be consistent with rules but my god, this child can scream.
He isn’t talking yet, just whining and crying all the time. He says ‘Mama’, ‘Dada’ and a couple of animal sounds along with babbling.
He has met all the other milestones quite early and I’m not concerned about his understanding because he can follow instructions well and does answer me with babble talk when I engage with him. I am worried that he is delayed with speech and that’s making everything else so much harder.

I’m physically and emotionally exhausted and I do sometimes wish I could just run away 😢. I can’t help but feel a bit of resentment sometimes .. I feel terrible writing that!
I don’t really know the point of this, I just hope I’m not alone and that others have seen similar things in their kids and hopefully have some advice to give! Thank you if you read this far x

Sounds rough! My DD was exactly like this, her understanding was brilliant but she couldn’t communicate so I taught her some signs which really helped. Have you tried teaching him some signs?

@ForeverTired89 Hey! Yeah, he knows how to sign for ‘food’, ‘more’ and ‘all done‘ but he seems to keep forgetting to use them. He did use them all the time a few months ago but now I’m having to remind him every day to sign. How old was your DD when she started to talk?

Hi OP, sorry to hear this, sounds tough. I have an 8 months old who is doing similar things, very high energy and needs, wants to be carried all the time (but not for affection). He can sit through playgroups but I need to be by his side, and he doesn't sit he's constantly moving.

Husband is starting to implement boundaries, saying 'no' to him etc. I don't know what the right approach is, I'm too exhausted to Argue.

Is the baby's dad involved? If so what is his take?
I was raised in a strict household and we had a loving warm home, and now I have a v close relationship with siblings and parents. We all turned out well, had great education and now careers, and families. We have solid friendships.

Where I'm heading with this is that I am planning to also be strict and have consequences for misbehaving. I will be firm by fair.
Just wanted to see what your approach is and what do people advise you.

But solidarity. It's so bloody rough, I end up crying some days. Or just wanting to scream. But mine is too little to understand anything yet. X

Hi OP, I could've written your post myself, except for my DS is a month younger. I wish I could give you a big hug and we could sit at rant about how hard it is over a huge mug of tea!

It sounds like you're doing a great job and you clearly understand your DS incredibly well, which is brilliant. I think it'll get a bit easier once the talking happens, or at least that's how I feel about my DS x

My firstborn was like this, incredibly high needs. I didn’t eat lunch until he was 6mo as the constant screaming when put down was unbearable. We didn’t have speech problems though (the opposite in fact).

he’s now 8, and much easier to live with. He’s pretty cool, much better at emotional regulation most of the time.

I almost didn’t add this next bit as it may be unhelpful/alarming (but really needn’t be). Turns out he has autism; he was diagnosed at 5.5. For us it doesn’t really have much overall effect other than he can be prone to meltdowns, has generally high anxiety, and likes rules. But for me it helps me make sense of his toddler years. But this may not be

Oops. This may not be in anyway relevant for your child

My DD was very similar, she's 2.5 now and it has just been getting easier slowly as she gets older.
The 'terrible twos' are a breeze compared to the baby stage. She has actually started playing independently in the last few months and I've managed the odd 20 minutes of cooking without her bothering me, while I keep checking on her and feeling guilty about not playing with her
I hope it gets easier for you soon

@Nelburts11 She only had a few words by age 2, but her speech exploded at 2y1m, by 2y4m she was talking fairly well. Now at 2y10m she doesn’t shut up 😂 She has her moment but generally is fairly chilled now.

Can you afford a couple of days of nursery a week? Honesty it will make such a difference in terms of his stimulation and and - more importantly than that - you having s break meaning you'll have some patience

speak with your health visitor. Ask for an extra review. I called with similar concerns 2 years ago and they were brilliant. Really helpful and supportive.

Wow thank you all for responding! I feel less alone!

@elodiesmith my partner is similar to me, we both get really flustered and wound up. I do think it’s because we both come from strict, narcissistic households if I’m honest. A house where we had to please parents and love was conditional.. which is why I struggle so much with my DS not wanting affection. I want us to raise him differently - as much as I do believe in rules, I don’t necessarily want to be a strict mum. I want him to have the same values I have, but I want to teach him in a more gentle way. Does that make sense? I don’t wanna be a ‘snowflake’ mum but I do want to be somewhere in the middle. I don’t believe in terrifying him into being well behaved. Yesterday was the first time I completely ignored him when he was whining and he eventually gave in - I felt rubbish doing just that!
I do definitely say ‘no’ about 100 times per day!!! He understands it and we started around 8/9 months too. Do what you have to do ♥️

@scramblesontoast bless you! Thank you. I’d love to sit and have a warm brew with you, I can’t recall the last time I had a peaceful cuppa! I’m so pleased to know I’m not the only one with a strong willed baby. I sometimes feel horrid for airing how I feel because other mums make me feel like I’m being dramatic or harsh but I really don’t think they know how hard our babies are. If someone else says to me “it’s normal for babies to cry!” I think I’ll combust.

@Peekingovertheparapet To be honest with you, I’ve been having thoughts of possible neurodivergence but that could be because my younger brother has global learning difficulties. I wouldn’t care if he has a learning disability - I just want to get early intervention if this is the case. I’ve spoken to his nursery nurse and a friend who is a health visitor and they don’t seem to be concerned yet about his speech.. but everywhere I read, my son is now classed as a late talker. I’m really pleased your relationship with your child is good now that he’s older - that gives me reassurance that this won’t be forever!

@Oatsamazing Ah that’s great! It makes a world of difference doesn’t it! I’ve managed to go for a wee this morning without him screaming at the door! I keep saying the same.. as much as he’s still so demanding now, I’d rather have him at this stage than how he was when he was an infant because NOTHING worked to stop the crying! At least now I can give him an activity or an apple!

@ForeverTired89 that is music to my ears!! I hope the same thing happens with my son! Fingers firmly crossed!!

@YukoandHiro he goes to nursery one day a week and it’s doing him a world of good. He screams when I leave him which is awful but when I pick him up, he doesn’t want to leave. He is making friends well and has started to engage in group activities so that’s positive! I don’t feel like one day is enough for myself though 😅 I get housework done and then back to the intense mumming when he’s home.

@Justyouwaitandseeagain I think that’s the next step I’ll take! How old was your child when you called? Thank you!

I wondered about possible neurodiversity too.

Apart from the speech issues my three children were like this. I remember always having to leave any events I attended with my autistic DS. The others not so much. One is autistic the other two aren't. I remember when DD2 was almost 1 lockdown happened and it was miserable. She was a total nightmare. If it's any consolation to you mine are all very bright clever and very inquisitive children and thriving in school so I think I'm getting some good payback for the nightmare baby /toddler years .

@SparkyBlue I can imagine how hard parenting was through lockdown! I take my hat off to you because I really don’t think I could’ve coped! I’m pleased you’re not struggling anymore, I really hope the same happens here when my son is able to communicate🤞🏼

It sounds like really hard work but you sound like a lovely mum who is trying her best. One thing that may help is to reduce and simplify your language to help your little one process things more quickly and hopefully avoid meltdowns. You could also use 'now and next' or 'first and then' when explaining your boundaries. Instead of saying 'no' you could say 'first get dressed then breakfast' or 'now nappy, next playing'. It's a strategy for children with autism but works with headstrong toddlers too (I have one!)

@BettyBoopy thank you so much for saying that ♥️ I feel like I’m failing some days. Thanks for your advice, I will try that. I do want to steer away from negative language and saying no all the time. 😊

Hi I know this is a few months old but this literally sounds exactly like my son. I literally had a panic attack yesterday as he decided he didn't want to walk one way and would not stop screaming and passerbys were just staring. How are things with your little one? Did you find anything that helped at all? Thank you x

Hello darling! First of all, sending hugs to you! It’s so bloody hard!! I’m sorry you had a panic attack! First rule that I learned was to not care what strangers think. It’s so difficult to not care but they don’t know you or your child or your circumstances. Everyone will always judge so be kind to yourself mama!

My boy is now just over 2yo and the difference is astonishing! He is still needy but can do so much more for himself now. He is still very headstrong and demanding BUT he’s able to do more without needing me 24/7. Words are coming along nicely - he started talking more in the last 4 weeks (still only around 15 / 20 words) I really praise him when he uses words or sign language to tell me what he wants and with the positive reinforcement, he’s learning that he will get more help if he communicates. I had to really drill it into him that whining gets him nowhere and one day it just clicked in him. So now when he whines instead of communicating, I stop everything, get to his level and say “no whining, please talk to mummy. what’s the matter? What do you want?”
Reins have really helped him to feel more in control when he’s walking. We bought a push along bike thing and he much prefers that to the pram! Again, it makes him feel in charge. Nursery is also a big help because he’s learning from the other kids about social acceptance.
My biggest piece of advice is to always have a distraction with you. If he wants to walk in the other direction, find something he loves to distract him. I try to avoid food rewards but I’ll give him his toy from his bag or say “oh wow look what I’ve found!!” (Literally anything in sight haha) and then just talk about it or get him excited to find something else.
How old is your son? Xx

I just wanted to say thank you @Nelburts11 so much for replying, you have no idea how much it means to me. I'm so pleased to hear things are better with your little boy. It really does give me hope. My son is 14 months, hard from birth - colicky, high needs temperament etc. I can see flashes of a really vibrant, fun personality but I think the last week the constant whining and screaming got to me and I felt utterly defeated. I do keep repeating to myself "this too shall pass" and am trying my very best to believe it - it's bizarre how, when you're in it, you can't see how things might be different so hearing from others who've experienced similar things is so valuable. Thank you for your advice too about the toy when walking, I will definitely try this and when he is more stable on his feet, will purchase the reins too!

Good to hear from you OP and soo pleased you're doing so well, gives me hope haha!

@Jadey89 mine is also 14 months and is very whiny - it brings me to tears some days the amount of whining he does, I cannot take it.

I've noticed it works if I say sternly 'no - do NOT do that' and follow up on my actions. So if he's waving a spoon around full of food - I'll tell him not to do that, if he ignores then I'll say my stern 'do NOT do that' - and take the spoon away. And give him a very stern look.

I'm not sure if that's too harsh (as he seems very taken aback) but it seems to work and I'm open to hear others' suggestions please 🙏🏻

Oh yes! My DD was a high needs baby (nothing to diagnose, she was just always intense, wanted to move and talk herself; eating and sleeping were not things she was interested in). I did not even notice the terrible twos, she got progressively easier with time.
Her teen years have not been easy (the "intense" bit of her temperament), but nothing in comparison to her babyhood. I remember being so jealous of moms who could push their babies in a stroller, even sometimes stop and chat! Mine would tolerate the stroller but only if it was moving at a jogging pace, no gentle walk.
If he's anything like my daughter, your son will get easier as he is able to communicate more. You should, though, start to establish some boundaries, as he doesn't need to be fed on demand and he shouldn't be throwing foodstuffs all the time. It is easier said than done, I know, but you should small and go from there.

I can relate to everything you’ve both just said! I don’t think people understand if they don’t have a high needs child! I’d take the terrible twos any day over the baby stage.

@elodiesmith thank you for checking in! Nice to hear from you too 😁

@Jadey89 it definitely will get easier, keep setting those boundaries for your child. I read so many things about not telling your child “no” all the time but honestly, when I was / am stern with him, we get somewhere. He listens! He understands when there might be danger. He will try to push a boundary but knows there will be a consequence.
I really do feel you. My boy still whines but it’s nothing like it used to be. I can now say.. “stop whining!” And he stops or reduces is massively.

@incognito50me omg same! I was so jealous of all the mums that could take their baby out for a stroll, they’d happily fall asleep and mum would get chance for a cuppa and a chat. Not me! I’d be the one with the screeching baby. Nothing would settle him. Hated laying on his back. Hated being cuddled. Hated staying still. The only thing that worked for me in the end was a baby carrier! I had him strapped to me for months until he could crawl and then he’d push me away and try escape 😖😂 sometimes I’d catch myself saying “go on then, go! Let’s see how far you’ll get!” - then realise he’s only 9 month old and I’m the adult here… hahaha Stubborn little bugger.

Hi any updates please ? ☺️