If you have a 4 year age gap, how long did it take for your eldest to adjust to new baby??

[Februaryschild2023]

3 weeks pp with ds2, so early days, but my ds1 (4) is not dealing with it well at all. Aggression towards the baby, massive meltdowns, clinginess, shouting at us, general nightmare behaviour. All to be expected, but it's absolutely exhausting on top a newborn. I feel like we've ruined his life!

If you had this sort of age gap, how long did it take for things to settle down, and for the eldest to start bonding with baby? Need to give myself realistic expectations but also hope...

I know I'm being picky - but how exactly old is your eldest - 4 years one month or 4 years 11 months for example?

Is he 4 and at school or 4 and still nursery age?

So he's 4 and 5 months - not yet in school but nursery 3 days a week

My boys were 3 and 4.5 when my daughter was born and tbh the first couple of weeks were hard being sleep deprived but once they realised the baby was here for good they didn't bother with her much until she could interact with her.

Ok - so a few things I did that helped.

When he goes to nursery talk about how much fun he's going to have and how you're just going home to get back in bed and go to sleep

Talk about all the fun things you did with your siblings when you were growing up - my eldest loved go hear stories about how me as big sister would sneak into little sisters room and play at bedtime and nanny and grandad would say go to bed etc - I really spun these stories.

Talk in passing about how lucky he is to have his own little brother his friend forever - don't ham it up but plant the seeds

Talk about some fun things they can do together when they're older - my eldest is now on countdown until they can have bunk beds

Make a big thing about 'mummy and DS1' time!! So if baby can sleep with Dad for an hour or two roll out the fanfare -let's play your Lego whilst baby is sleeping ik so happy to have mummy and Jonny time!!!!

Don't expect him to bond any time soon - try to preserve his time and routine as much as possible and in a few weeks when baby is smiling / few months when he can get a giggle that bond will fall into place

Also if any of his friends are brother brother pairs that he knows / plays with you can also use that 'you're just like James and John now aren't you!'

Realistically, the baby will be v boring for him for months yet and it may be you can just aim for him ignoring the new baby rather than reacting to it.

One thing I found helped was talking 'to' the baby about how it was the older siblings turn and they would have to wait. So if you're helping him with shoes and the baby cries say loudly, 'sorry baby, I'm helping X with his shoes now, it's his turn, so you'll have to wait'. Even if the baby doesn't make any noise or is asleep, voicing the times when you're prioritising the older child, and addressing it to the baby, I found really helped them feel they were getting their turn with your attention. Also 'telling' the baby about all the fun and exciting things the older one can do, but that they can't do yet because they're much younger. And lots of talking about when they were a baby, looking at photos, children love hearing about this.

They are now almost 18 and 13 and DS1 would still send DS2 back, if he could... Over the years there have been times when the age gap has seemed a bit smaller and they've got on better but it's often fighting and resentment. I think it's because they have very different personalities although I am sure some if it is my fault. I'm an only child and find parenting more than one child quite hard. With the benefit of hindsight, although I thought I did everything to make DS1 feel better about DS2's arrival, I think because he was 4 when his brother arrived I did sometimes expect him to be more grown up than he really was. So that would be my top tip - remember that your first child is still really little even though they are so much older and bigger than the baby and show them as much as possible that they are still your baby too!

Thanks everyone that's good to hear.
@TwigTheWonderKid that's a good point, were really trying to give the eldest lots of love and attention. I think because he's been an only child for so long, it never feels enough for him!

4 years and 3 months between ours and he didn't really struggle but we involved him in EVERTHING! it was June 2020 so lockdown too, I would ask DS1 to help with the baby's nappies (pass me the wipes etc) show the baby his favourite toys, let the baby try his favourite blanket.

We also made sure that DS1 bedtime routine didn't change, so I still took him upstairs just him and I and DH would look after ds2, gave him 30-45 mins of 1-1 time every night.

They're 7 and 2.5 and ds1 asked last week if we are getting another baby soon hah!

Mine has an age gap of 3 years and 6 months so a year less than yours. DC1 loved being the big sister before DC2 was born. However, they didn't bond until DC2 can crawl. Babies are boring to a preschooler.

Are you doing preschooler activities with DS1 on the days he's not in nursery? We also had DC1 in for 3 days a week during my maternity. I got annual memberships to the zoo and farm. On the days she wasn't in nursery, I took her to visit them, also go to dance and gymnastic classes. Basically doing things that are DC1 centric. Do you think it will help if he feels he isn't being replaced by the baby?

Three years and three quarters between mine and honestly DD1 had an extremely hard time when DD2 arrived. Actually she's still sometimes having a hard time at 7 months post gaining a sister - for us it flares up again when DD2 starts doing something new so weaning has been a really big deal for DD1 because now DD2 is getting more attention at meals. It's really hard some days, I would second giving your first attention when your second is not around - we play when DD2 is asleep and leave all the chores to when she wakes up. My husband has stepped up massively and spends time with DD2 so that DD1 still has just her and Mummy time but it's difficult to be honest. A friend with a similar gap told me it took a year for her first to adjust!