Fed up of feeling trapped

[amyandezra]

I feel like this post might be more for me to vent, but it would be helpful to hear other experiences too.

My 9 month old has been difficult from birth. A big crier, never satisfied, always unhappy for some reason or other, very sensitive, never smooth sailing in regards to feeding, only ever napped 30 minutes at a time, still isn’t sleeping longer than 2 hours at a time. He is not mobile yet.

I just feel on the edge of my tether, as I have for months now. It’s been 9 months of what feels like no rest AT ALL. I can’t leave a room without him screaming, so he has to come to every single room with me in the house. I barely have time to brush my teeth without him kicking off. I neglect myself, I don’t shower as often as I should, I’m going to bed at like 8pm each night just to try and sleep while my husband does the night feeds until 1am (then I do 1am to 6am). I feel like I have no life outside of him. I have lots of mum friends, but I just feel like my entire life is consumed by him. I used to love the gym and staying fit. Now I hate what I see in the mirror and feel absolutely trapped that there is no way I can ever get back into that. I can’t work out with him at home because he screams if I don’t hold him. I hear about mums who go to yoga classes or whatever, like how?!? I have no time for myself. Ever.

There’s no chance of me and my husband ever having a date night anytime soon either as he still won’t stay in his cot or sleep properly after going to bed, so that’s out the window too.

I feel entirely trapped and ruled by this little 9 month old baby. I knew having a baby would be a big commitment, but honestly I’m just asking for 30 minutes of my own time, and I can’t even get that. My husband works a lot so there is no crossover time. Evenings are just a rush to eat dinner and go to bed.

This did turn into a massive rant as guessed. I just don’t know what I need right now other than maybe a “it’ll be okay - I’ve been there” kind of thing.

Thanks :(

Sending cyber hugs! I found the first year the hardest. At around 12 mo when he started to communicate, it gets so much more rewarding.

You will get through it.

I can relate to this. My first born was such a rubbish sleeper, my other half worked long hours (only liked contact naps or naps when being walked or driven, so I couldn't rest then) that I just felt like half a human and not at all myself. It is really really hard. Sleep depravation is considered tourture for a reason.

With the benefit of hindsight I can say you do get thorough it and it will NOT be like this for the rest of your life (I also know that at the time when people said this to me I could not see this and didn't believe it, but they were right). It is tough right now, but he will get better at settling (mine did around 13 months) and then you can get a bit more sleep and feel a bit more human. And with sleep comes the ability to do a bit more and think about exercise and feeling more yourself again.

You are in the trenches now, the worst bit. Hang on in there, it will pass and you will find yourself again.

In the meantime... chocolate/coffee/whatever it takes.

Sleep train him and let him cry it out.

Harsh. Horrible. Throw the abuse at me but I was you 3 years ago and it worked.

I hear you OP. DS was extremely similar and his first year nearly broke me. I used to see parents out with their bonny, happy, easy going babies and i viscerally hated them because DS was so difficult and maternity leave was such a slog. We slept trained him at about ten months for my own sanity. It didn’t make a jot of difference to how difficult he was, but I could cope more on less broken sleep. I went back to work at 11 months which really helped my sanity.

He became a different child between the ages of 13 and 16 ish months. He learnt to walk (having never crawled - he was seriously pissed off about this) and was very precocious with his speech and understanding. He’s 3 now and since 1.5 ish he’s given us no issues whatsoever and I’d say he’s been an easier than average toddler. He’s still sensitive and gets frustrated easily, but other than that he’s fine.

I hope things get better for you x

I hear you. It's bloody hard! Some ideas just to try and make sometime for you:

• wear him in a sling so you can get on with stuff
• put him in a bouncer and do a 30 min HIIT workout on YouTube - you don't have to go to the gym (I mean I would way prefer to get out the house and go to the gym but can't leave the baby / don't have time etc and 30 mins at home seems more manageable)
• get a running buggy and go out for runs
• join a gym and pay to put him in the crèche for 1 hour. It's only an hour and he will get used to it. Almost better to do it at that age so it becomes normal routine as I feel I can't now do that to my 2 year old and leave him with people he doesn't know.

Just some ideas to try and help but sending sympathy as it's so tough. I agree with PP that it does get easier from 1 year

Sleep train. I have three under five. All were crap sleepers, now they aren’t and I can function again.

And use childcare of some sort - go back to work PT (or more), or just do something else just for you, an adult “you” who isn’t just for being snotted on and whinged at.

Yep number 1 was like this. First have you ruled out dairy allergy? She was so miserable because of this. Second I never fed to sleep and was a much better snoozer. We sleep trained at 11 months- just dad rocking and shushing and patting basically any comfort that wasn't milk. She soon slept through after a few nights.
She would rise really early but that was manageable after a bigger block :)

My DD was like this. It was so tough. Then she hit 12 months and it's like a switch was flipped. She started sleeping through the night and just being more independent. She definitely still needs me but I often get times to myself now while she plays. Can even drink a hot drink still hot.
It definitely gets easier.
I went through the same feelings as you of being trapped and no time to myself ever and really struggling with it all at times.
Hang in there and it will get better x

Thank you all for your replies so far, it’s making me tear up to hear your response that you’ve been there and it gets better.

To those who suggested sleep training - we tried. He screams and screams until he’s boiling hot, sweaty, red in the face and almost sick. There is no ounce of sleep that comes from it.

You have to stick with it. It does work but not if you interrupt it. Can take 2-3 days.

I could have written your post 9 months in and actually im pretty sure very similar posts are still around that I wrote!!
IT WILL GET BETTER. I PROMISE.

With sleep it was like a switch flipped at 12 months and she learned to sleep through. I did buy a floor bed for her room - i think she hated her cot - and started leaving the room just before she fell asleep but going back in immediately if she cried. I think that helped. Don't get me wrong sleep isnt perfect now - we still get bad nights. But it is a world apart that was the sh show of her first 12 months.

With the clinginess and needing attention thats been a longer journey for me and she is still highly strung and needs me playing with her constantly now at nearly 3. But it gradually gets better when they can talk and you can say - im going to the toilet etc and even if they cry you dont feel so guilty because you know they understand and that you're coming back.

Going back to work part time also helped me. I went back just a day a week at 9 months in as I felt I was at breaking point and needed it. It made a positive difference to my sanity. Can you do that? I then went up to 2 days at 10 months and 4 days at 12 months.

Look after yourself. Plan some little treats whether its a glass of wine or a takeaway or something. Xx

@Purple89you do realise that the LO will be 3 now?

How did I miss that 😆 good point! I do hope the OP is doing ok now.

@amyandezra just here to say you are not alone. I have a 9-month-old DS. He is wonderful and very smiley, but he is a terrible sleeper (wakes up a ton of times every night, his naps are all over the place and he only wants to contact nap) and currently is going through the peak of separation anxiety and teething, so being whiney and generally in a bad mood often. I rarely get to shower for more than 2-3 minutes, no longer do my hair and makeup except on very special occasions, and I find it impossible to find the energy or time to work out, which has had a great impact on my self-esteem and how I feel about myself/my looks. I truly think people who haven’t had babies that do not sleep well do not understand how hard it is to operate with barely any sleep for months on end. So all my solidarity, we’ll get there!

@ThisLilacSharki feel for you as my first woke a lot and liked contact naps. With them it turned out to be undiagnosed Tongue Tie. Has that been ruled out for you?

Is he getting enough calories in during the day? This guide on feeding in the first year is useful way to check. You’ll probably need from page 39 to 48.

And when my DC1 was similar to yours we tackled the naps first, which did help with their sleep during the night. Have you read the No Cry Nap Solution?

@SleafordSods He had tongue, lip and cheek ties… they diagnosed the tongue tie right after birth and we had all the ties released at 4 months old. He also had horrible reflux, poor guy. Unfortunately cannot say the release made much of a difference for us, both when it comes to breastfeeding and sleeping. We eventually worked with an osteopath and it helped (we went from him being unable to sleep on his back at all, to at least sleeping on his back although still waking up a lot). His sleep is now a lot better than it once was (as a newborn he would literally not sleep at all at night), but he still cosleeps and wakes up 4 or so times at night.

I feel we have looked at/tried it all. Feeding-wise, we worked with a lactation consultant as well. He’s not the most efficient feeder, but I have eventually decided to let him be, because after weeks/months of exercises from the lactation consultant, tongue tie release, etc. it was causing us all more stress than we were seeing benefit and he was gaining weight alright anyway (he’s always solidly been around the 45% percentile) and has always been a happy baby. Up to now, he’s been with me at home so he has always been fed on demand (he asks to feed every 3 hours around the clock); we have also been doing solids for a few months. He’s a decent eater and normally has a bowl of yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, a serving of chunky puree at lunch and some BLW type food for dinner (e.g., a pasta dish, steak, vegetables, bread, potatoes—we just let him try a modified version of what we are having or I cook a baby-friendly family meal for all of us). We don’t force him to eat more than he wants, but I think he is eating enough and he has been growing consistently.

I’ll take a look at the No Cry Nap Solution, thanks! To be honest, at this point I am mostly at peace with where we are at, even if it’s not ideal and I like to moan every so often. It’ll probably sound ridiculous, but I am now convinced he’s just a stubborn little boy and there’s not much we can do about it other than wait for him to eventually grow out of it. He’ll only be a baby this once, so it’s ok (or so I keep telling myself)!