Food is always a battle with 5yo

[RangSoo]

5yo DS became really fussy with food when he was two, suddenly went off all his favourite foods and it was a struggle to get him to eat the few things he did enjoy.

He’s a bit better with variety now but getting him to sit and eat a meal is almost impossible if he’s not in the mood. He’ll refuse both dinner and tea if there’s nothing in that he fancies that day, then spends all day sobbing because he’s hungry and has no energy and doesn’t want a healthy snack, even refuses to play because he’s so exhausted, this is about 50% of the time. I refuse to give him snacks that he wants if he hasn’t eaten a meal (chocolate, crisps, biscuits, ice cream, mcdonalds) as obviously I don’t want him to think that he’ll get junk food if he refuses his meals, but he’s incredibly stubborn and this has been going on for years with neither of us ever giving in. He goes through phases of losing weight to the point where you start to see all his bones, it’s horrific. I’ve asked our GP surgery for help loads of times over the years but they just promise to put us in touch with a health visitor to speak to but then never do. I do give him junk/freezer food occasionally which he happily wolfs down, but it’s definitely never been a regular thing so I don’t understand why he’s so stubborn about it. He’s otherwise ‘normal’, very bright and sociable and well behaved so I don’t suspect any sort of neurodivergency.

It’s not that I’m offering him food that he doesn’t like because when he’s not being awkward he eats the meals I serve, it’s just that half the time he’s decided that he doesn’t want to eat anything besides junk food even if he ends up in tears from being so hungry. Me and DH sit at the table with him every single mealtime, don’t let him leave until everyone’s finished eating, don’t engage in arguments or battles about the food, give him a choice of two or three healthy options that we know he likes, make sure that the focus isn’t on him eating so that there’s no pressure. When he refuses and insists that he isn’t hungry we just chat about our days, then I clear mine and DH’s food away and we all leave the kitchen. 20 minutes later DS says ‘I’m hungry, what is there for me to eat?’ and I say ‘you’re tea is still on the table, I can heat it up if you like or there’s apples, bananas, strawberries and yogurts in’ then he starts throwing a tantrum so I leave him to it. He’ll work himself up into a right mess and cry for the rest of the evening saying he’s hungry, but screams angrily that he doesn’t WANT what’s available. I just can’t understand why he won’t just eat if it’s making him feel that ill! Everything that I’ve read online says to just be consistent and eventually they’ll learn that you won’t cave in, but it’s been years with no improvement at all. What can I do?

Oh, I also include him in meal planning and shopping and let him choose what he wants for the week but he just refuses the snacks and meals that he chose for himself on bad days. Please help!

@drspouse I’d be happy with him not eating his meals if he’d eat fruit or a yogurt or anything really afterwards, but he screams and cries and throws things and demands chocolate and McDonald’s and says he won’t eat anything else at all.

Maybe (I’m not an expert just a mum) split the two problems. Teach him what to say INSTEAD of tantruming and make it work for him. Then find some easy to eat food for days when he can’t cope with your food (which is good).

Your honesty doing everything I would have suggested! What's he like at school with food?

@Pawpatrollermum I’ve asked school about it and they said he eats everything fine, but half the time he comes out of school happy and full of beans and other days he comes out and bursts into tears saying he’s starving and too tired to walk to the car. He never eats the snack I send in but I think that’s pretty normal for kids. Thankfully he always eats breakfast no problem, complains every morning that he’d rather have a brioche or croissant but always eats what’s offered. It’s always been the evening meal that he’s struggled with the most, as a baby/toddler he liked a huge breakfast with lots of morning snacks, a big dinner then barely touched his tea but I wasn’t bothered because he was eating enough in the morning. The problems are much worse since he started school (year 1 now) come to think of it, because since then he’s been funny about lunch too.

Get rid of the iPad. They are addictive and he does not need screens at 5.

Tbh RE the food it sounds like you have been consistent and have tried. Don't offer ANY junk food. If he won't eat, he goes hungry. let him cry, he will learn.

This sounds incredibly hard.

My dd was a very picky eater. But she had a very small appetite and if she didn’t eat much she didn’t then ask for sweets and junk food. It turns out she is gluten intolerant and was so used to having an uncomfortable tummy, she didn’t tell us.

I can’t think of any medical condition that would explain for sons behaviour. Unless there is some kind of genetic taste disorder that no one’s ever heard about. Have you tried not having any junk food in the house at all? Or perhaps only buy one brand of biscuits ever. Annoying for the rest of the family I know.

It neednt stop you buying him treats outside the house (or him pestering). But maybe, just maybe he will be less stubborn about refusing his meals if there is no chocolate and if he wants sweets then the yoghurt and fruit will have to do.

When we were growing up we were allowed 6d per day (2 and a half new pence) sweet money. There were four of us and it was only my youngest brother who continually pestered my mother for the next days, or the next, next days sweet money, having already spent his ration. I know she found it very very wearing.

To me it sounds like you are doing everything right and what would work for 99% of children.

Perhaps he is that 1% and you need to start thinking outside the box. Are you keeping a diary of his eating? Perhaps really concentrate on the circumstances when he does eat his dinner.

You have my sympathy.

I have fussy eaters and have learnt that picking my battles is the best way.

They eat a lot of fruit and one prefers to graze rather than have proper meals. He’s also going through a “dry spell” where he won’t eat anything in a sauce or remotely wet.

Why don’t you speak to the school and see if they can put you in touch with the school nurse?

Going back to my fussy eaters, if I make a curry for example, my husband and I would have chicken, veg, curry sauce, rice and sometimes poppadoms. For one of them a would need to give plain chicken rice and poppadoms, the other would have rice and curry sauce and it would be hit or miss whether they’d eat the poppadom. Hopefully it won’t last forever but it’s the only way forward at the minute.

Also, what do you give him for snack?

Snack at school I mean

When he tantrums, what happens? I’m wondering if he gets lots of attention, along the lines of ‘well, you’d feel better if you just ate something’ and maybe other parents trying to be helpful and hovering / offering snacks / looking concerned. Or is it ‘off to your room until you can behave nicely again’ and no back and forth about food at all?

You’re giving him a lot of control (choosing meal plans, cooking, choosing snacks) then confused about why he wants more. It sounds like a battle of wills.

He shouldn’t be throwing tantrums at 5. Naughty step or send him to his room until he can calm down and behave, don’t give it much attention, and after mealtimes focus on something else. Take the drama out of the situation.

If having Pringles and the like in the house is hard for him, don’t have them at all (or hide them).

He's only five and sounds so stressed around food, it must make you both miserable. I would stop his involvement in the menu planning, I'm an adult and find that stressful myself so he most likely does too. Serve up a small portion of what he likes, if he refuses that's fine smile and say "that's ok you can have toast and cereal later if you want it" and move on.
Move the unhealthy snacks and treats to the weekend. Let him see he can have them regardless to whether he eats his meal to remove the value of them.
I think if you can show him that his refusal doesn't bother you he will stop the investment in it. He's getting a lot of attention for it so it pays for him to continue.
My now adult dd and her friend were both picky eaters. She ate cereal and toast for lots of meals. Her friend's mum did a lot of stressing over the food she'd eat. As adults they both eat a wide range of food the only difference was I missed out on a lot of stress and tears for her to get there.

This was my thought.

I just don’t acknowledge it, I smile and stay upbeat and pretend I haven’t noticed the tantrum, I just speak to him the way I usually would eg ‘I’m going to go play with some play doh upstairs if you’d like to come?’ He angrily shouts NO!! So I say ‘okay no worries, feel free to come up if you change your mind’ then I go up and start playing with the radio on and he usually comes up after a while. Same if I’m cleaning, putting a family movie on, getting a family board game out. I don’t argue with him over food all evening, I’m at my wits end with it but I don’t show him that because I don’t want to create even more stress.