Ex left 4 weeks ago 4dc and no help. So tired!

[JustKeepingOn]

Title says it all really.

ExP left on the 28th January in the middle of the night without saying anything to me or the kids. This was the day after DD3 4th birthday. The day before we had an argument where I was annoyed he wasn't helping with housework or baby even though he had been made redundant the week after she was born and home all that time.
His response was to say he's not a "Simp" helping without sex, even though I was still so close after labour and it isn't like he hadn't had anything IFYWIM. When I argued back he told me he should "fuck me up". Charming, I know, and it's not the first time he's been a nasty shit so I can't say I miss him in that respect.

I have 4 DDs, from 11 to 10 weeks. Between 3 different schools to drop off at, after-school activities and a newborn to deal with I am exhausted.

He has said he is coming on Saturday every week but has never shown up or explained why. I tried to get CMS but he's not answering them so they said until he does there's not much I can do there.

I have no nearby family, my mum is sadly deceased and although I have friends none really close enough to expect anything more than a cuppa tea.

I'm just starting to become so resentful, I've kept on for the time being but I feel so bad. I feel the 4yr old isn't getting enough attention and I'm relying too much on the elder two, 11 and 9, to be the help their father should be. I don't even have time to wash and make myself sick thinking he has all the time in the world to do whatever. He also got a 17k payout for his redundancy/they paid his 12 paternity in full just before he left.

I just don't know what to do, how not to feel guilty, sick, like screaming and just so bad for my Dd's.

I don't know what this rant will achieve either but I just guess I'm hoping there was someone just to listen.

Thanks for reading this. Sorry it's abit long :s

I'm so sorry you're in this position, that's awful.

1. Have you gone to entitledto or spoken with Citizens Advice to check you're getting all the benefits you're entitled to?
2. Have you been open with your friends, even milder acquaintances? People can be a lot more willing to step up than you might think, when a similar life rupture happened to me I found that people are (understandably) not keen on long term commitment to support but more people than you think might be happy to come over and hold the baby while you can sit and drink a hot tea for a bit, or take your older ones for a playdate somewhere, or carpool etc.
3. Have you talked to your midwife? You might be eligible for support like Homestart, it could be a lifesaver to have a volunteer come around and play with your 4 year old for a bit, or hold your baby so you can shower, or accompany you to the park or the shops so you aren't always rushed off your feet

Your midwife or GP can also direct you to counselling and mental health support, you'll be a priority for IAPT for example and you need and deserve support, you're an absolute trooper.

How much cms would you get if he isn't working?

He sounds like an arse

I am so sorry for you. He has behaved despicably. 50 years ago my mum was left in this position, also with 4 children under 10 years. My ‘father’ never ever paid a penny, so I really feel for you and how hard this is.

All your feelings are justified, the anger, resentment and worry and nausea. I wouldn’t worry too much about the older kids helping. Yes it’s not fair on them but I assume they know where the blame lies. Take pride in them for this.

You obviously need to make some short term plans to get through this. I hope someone else replies who has had this exact experience and can help with practical advice.

I am divorcing a difficult man. I am lucky that I can afford therapy. A few weeks ago I said that I felt I was spiralling down towards a depression. Her first words were “tell me what’s happened first”. She then told me that my reactions were perfectly normal considering what’s happened, and not be too hard on myself for the feelings I had.

I feel the same is true for you. I want to say that you should allow yourself to have these feelings, just so long as it doesn’t stop you getting on with the practicable things. Other posters might have more valid opinions.

I have never had a relationship with my father and I know he died a lonely, bitter and unloved old man. Perhaps that is the future for your ex.

For the time being you can only endure. I so hope things get better for you soon.

£7 a week maximum if he's claiming benefits. If he's not claiming benefits nothing.

Thanks everyone for the replies so far.

My elder 2 are understandably annoyed at him.
He hasn't called them or tried to message them through me. My eldest has her own phone and he did send her a message about a week after saying goodnight I love you girls but she didn't respond to it. I then got message from him saying I had blocked him on her phone, which I said I hadn't. I didn't know at the time but she had and I guess he figured that out too after messaging her from a different number.

She is not his bio daughter but has been involved in her life since she was barely 1,her biodad left when I was pregnant as his family were upset I was not part of their faith and he made his choice, we haven't seen him since. Anyway he is now mad at her for blocking him. Saying to me I will only take DD2 and DD3 and called her "your child", I obviously haven't told her this and he hasn't shown up anyway but I'm dreading how she'll react if and when he does.

As for CMS even though he isn't employed by someone he does freelance webdesign and other things although from what I've read it's easy to hide this kind of income. Regardless I haven't been offered a penny, which made me so mad as that money was given to him for Paternity leave, you know to sort out your new baby!! Not even a pack of nappies! Luckily I have some (measly) savings from working PT up until baby and have sorted out the benefits side of things but I'm just so disgusted with him.

I've had my sister then brother come over for the last 2 weekends and it's been lovely, and a help but they live about a 2.5 hour trip away so isn't something that can happen often. I don't feel up to the drive to theirs at the minute either with the baby. Though maybe in the Easter holidays I'll try as atleast I won't have a 5 hour round trip the day after eachother.

I want to be so angry, I want to cry and kick and yell but obviously I can't. And I won't, I can't let my girls see that. I just don't know how he could just disappear in the middle of the night and not look back, not even for me but for them!

I tried to message him to explain what he's done is disgusting and why the elder two were mad but he just told me to "shut up and message someone else" so I said Ok and left it at that. Im too tired to deal with someone who doesn't give a sh*t.

These messages are so long, I commend you if you get through these 😓

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Have a look at the Gingerbread single parent charity website www.gingerbread.org.uk/
You'll find a lot of practical and emotional support there

Just don't message him, I know it's hard but pretend he's fallen off the face of the earth. You don't deserve that abuse and he's made it clear he's a piece of shit and doesn't care about his kids or you.

Get on without him it'll drive him crazy. Nap when you can when the kids are at school/nursery and baby is asleep. It's going to be hard but it WILL get easier trust me.

Can you move closer to your family?

I've just figured out how to directly reply 😊I sent that message in the beginning of Feb and haven't said anything since. Like you said he doesn't seem to care so neither do I, it was more trying to get him to see why dd1 was mad at him so he wouldn't leave her out but he doesn't see beyond himself.

Baby is currently asleep and (I feel guilty about it) but I've taken the duvet to the sofa while the 4yr old watches cartoons. Not ideal but it is what it is for now.

Thanks.

In some ways I wish I could but also I don't. I don't have the funds for a big move and we have friends and a life here, good schools ect. Plus they work full time so it would still be seeing them mostly just weekends and holidays anyway.

Do the children have a friend at school who would help? I'm sure someone would help with transport in, under the circumstances.

Every little helps and all that.

Your older two are getting to the stage where they need emotional support but not so much practical support. They can help with chores and obviously self care- it's teaching independence and team work, so don't feel bad.

Good routines make life much easier- clothes out the night before during bath time etc. all makes the next morning easier. Routines aren't just systems, they reduce arguments because everyone knows what to expect. Even down to having sausage and chips every Friday night! Saves arguments about wanting take away or whatever.

Thanks for the reply.

I've asked my neighbour about dropping my daughter to nursery in the mornings as her son goes to the same school, she was happy to help but my daughter gets upset on the way there. I've asked her twice again when desperate but don't like DD going to nursery upset.

I've got the eldest a bus pass and have let her go in the morning alone but on days she has after school activities I've been collecting her as noone else comes her way home and it's starting to get dark, hopefully with the evenings getting lighter she can if she feels confident to.

I would of had someone to help with DD2 but they moved away literally 2 weeks ago.

I'm lucky in that my elder 2 are very independent and helpful around the house. The eldest has been putting her food tech lessons to good use so we've had alot of spag bol and chow mein and I have a freezer full of oven stuff.
First week he left I got dishwasher too 😅hed always moan it was a waste of money but then he never did dishes, I'm finding it much more useful than him now anyway so well worth it in my opinion.

I feel like I'm keeping it all running, but that's all I'm doing. Like I'm on auto pilot day after day but I'm stretched so thin, I don't have time for myself. I hate the resentment and bitterness I feel and I will admit although I feel horrible about I have been short tempered and snappy and they don't deserve that on top of everything else.

I've just had a look on home start and gingerbread, thank you for those recommendations 😊

But do you know what you are doing brilliantly! Most people would say they are only just managing at this stage, without throwing a useless ex into the mix!

It actually sounds like you have it all under control, and it will get easier every week.
I guess the only bit of time you have is when your littlest one naps in the day- so make the most of it! By napping yourself, or having a bath, not by doing housework!

It will get easier

Thank you for that, it's much appreciated.

I guess it does feel managable as I've gone from 5 kids to 4 lol.

If you are in Scotland Children 1st Parentline is very helpful it’s a freephone line and website. Family Lives seem to be the same in England. Would your sister or brother offer a sleepover to maybe your 2 older ones or take them out for a day at the weekend or in the upcoming Easter holidays so that you could focus on your 4 yr old and baby? Don’t wait around for your ex to shape up I think you know he’s a waste of space, just focus on you and your children.

Thanks for the reply and info, I'm in London so I'll have a look at the Family lives website.

My brother has offered to take the elder 3 or for all of us to stay over the Easter if we wanted. I think I'll definitely take that offer up I'll just have to find a way to drive up there with baby as it's a long trip for her.

My sister only has a small home and 2 dogs so I don't know how we'd fit there but I'm sure she'd come here and stay a night or two to help out.

I expect nothing from him at this point, that way I can't be disappointed.

The fact the show is still on the road at all shows you are pretty amazing.

But please do tell everyone you can. Someone is going to help you, you just don't know who yet.

I would prioritise the GP, your kids schools and the Health Visitor. Then Citizens Advice. I agree too about homestart and gingerbread.

Tell them all. Ask if they know if any help.

@JustKeepingOn
you are a magnificent woman. Hats off to you and your lovely children.

You poor love. What a twat he is. Chin up, the early baby days will pass and it will get easier.

Thanks @chanceofpear @SqueakyDinosaur @PermanentTemporary for your replies and compliments.

I've got the baby to sleep and sent the other 3 to their room with a movie. I feel bad, I feel like I'm fobbing them off with TV but I'm just so tired right now. I think I'm one of the only parents happy for the strikes tmw so I dont have to rush around tmw morning. I plan to lay in, hopefully until atleast 7 😂

Sounds like you are doing amazing op well done you. Your kids will be proud of you
What an ass of an ex you have x

@JustKeepingOn
Sorry your going thru this but tap into any support networks you can and speak to your health visitor
Would moving nearer your family help?
Do you rent/ own the house? Would you be able to relocate?