Deescalating Tantrums

[CraneBoysMysteries]

I'd love some advice on this please

DS has just turned 3 and is generally a very happy content boy. He's always been pretty even tempered and when he does get upset, you can usually rationalise with him or talk him down.

Previous techniques I've used are taking some deep breaths with him or just a quick cuddle. We're lucky...it's been easy

In the last couple of weeks the tantrums have gone off the scale. I KNOW this is totally normal so I'm not worried about them and they're quite infrequent

But, I am totally out of my depth on how to help him calm down.

The last 2 have been over wanting something he can't have (waking up at 2am asking for ice cream!) and have lasted nearly an hour. He stamps his feet, punches down on the bed and just shouts over and over and over again for the thing he wants

I know when he's this worked up you can't reason or rationalise with him but I would love some techniques to help him calm down and process it all

Any advice is so much appreciated!!

For mine the only thing which worked was sitting on the floor near but out of kicking reach and occasionally saying I’m hear for a cuddle when you want them. Any other form of interaction made it worse.

Yep I was going to say something similar. Sometimes I would also play a game by myself (tower building etc) or do some of her jigsaws. Basically something she would then watch me play, then slowly start to interact with a bit.

Agree that staying calm yourself and trying not intervene too much can help. If the tantrums are suddenly happening at night could they be night terrrors rather than actual tantrums?

Any chance he has an ear infection or a uti? Mine always went off the charts when they were unwell, and waking up at night wanting something cold might be bacause he has a sore throat or painful ears..

Sometimes if I agreed with them, using really short words (so they could hear it despite the tantrum) it helped. Youre CROSS, you want icecream NOW, youre CROSS etc. But dont give in to the tantrum, its about making them felt understood. You can even add. I want an icecream too, im mad i cant have one.

sit in the corner, no eye contact, no talking, just wait for the sounds to crest and then as they have fallen a bit, try the poor DS, you must be tired, do you want a cuddle. Dont try it until he is past the peak though

The last 2 have been over wanting something he can't have (waking up at 2am asking for ice cream!) and have lasted nearly an hour. He stamps his feet, punches down on the bed and just shouts over and over and over again for the thing he wants

bloomin heck op… can’t say I ever experienced this or had friends that did with theirs.

what’s feedback from his bursery?

My DS went through this phase, he is (more or less) over it. Agree with PPs that the less you try and intervene, the quicker it'll pass (unless he's doing something dangerous during the tantrum of course.) I found naming the feelings could help as well ('oh dear, you're angry we can't have ice cream at night.') Eventually started telling me he was angry instead of showing me if you see what I mean.

A bit of humour can sometimes get them out of it before it ramps up. We used to have battles over tooth brushing and I said but if you don't have healthy teeth, you'll have to eat soup for breakfast (obviously not in a scary way, he thought it was funny 😆) Now if he starts I just call 'daddy, get the soup pot out!' and he laughs and it's over.

Tbh sometimes pretending you've seen something out the window can work. Standing over by the window and wondering out loud if there are any cats in the garden has done the trick in the past.

Thanks everyone so much for the very sound advice.

I think we've definitely tried to intervene and understand what's going on while it's happening which has made it worse. So not engaging is absolutely what we should have done!

I think playing with something or just not giving eye contact etc seem like good tactics as I think he ramps up when he sees we're paying him attention

To the poster suggesting this isn't normal, we've had 4 of these since the new year so not frequent as I said. And seems to be something a number of the mums in my nct are seeing so I'm not concerned this is unusual. He's a very calm and considered...almost shy boy 99% of the time

He's clearly just struggling to manage his anger when something really upsets him at the moment and I need to find a way of navigating it with him

My little girl (just turned 3 in November) has recently started with this. We didn’t really have terrible 2s but my God she’s making up for it now!

always been a terrible sleeper but she was so easy going and an absolute joy to parent until the last few weeks! Like you I’m hoping it’s just a phase! One that doesn’t last too long hopefully x