Lost my temper with 18mth old

[Thatenough]

Hi - I've been handling all tantrums with staying calm, staying in the moment. DC isn't talking yet and doesn't understand what I'm saying but I say things like - I know you're frustrated etc etc. All gentle parenting techniques.

Tantrums can go on several minutes and DC becomes hyperventilating type hysterical. It's absolutely awful to watch. She goes bright red, she shakes, and it's just awful. We've been despairing.

She'd just finished one 15minute tantrum - had composed herself everything had returned to calm. She was on her way up for bath time - when she decided she wanted to run in the kitchen. Tiny kitchen, DH cooking in there. I said no and took her hand to steer her towards the stairs.

Cue another epic tantrum. She body planked to the floor, screaming and hitting. And I lost my patience. And.....I yelled at her: 'now THATS ENOUGH.YOU ARE HAVING A BATH'.

I picked her up and carried her upstairs and put her in her cot. She didn't make another sound. Just just looked at me. Then she turned round and started playing with her toys.

She's now playing in her cot while I'm sat in the bathroom, running her bath and typing this. She's babbling away to herself playing with toys. I've looked out and she's laughed and smiled at me.

That tantrum lasted less than 30 seconds. But I yelled at her, surely that was supposed to make it worse? I never yell at her. I feel awful. But she seems - dare I say it - happier and calmer than the 15 odd minutes of gentle parenting I was doing during the previous tantrum.

I'm so confused.

I don't want to be a Mum constantly yelling, I never want her to be frightened of me. I don't want to be my mother - as the words fell out of my mouth I immediately thought - omg I sound just like my Mum.....!

but I also don't want 10-20 minute epic screaming tantrums, multiple times a day. It's exhausting.

I'm just confused and lost now. How am I supposed to be dealing with 18mth old tantrums??

Deep breath. Gather yourself together and carry on.

You're doing great. You really are. Keep on keeping on.

You have her a firm message. Sometimes they are genuinely upset. Sometimes it’s an attempt to get their way, or a moan, or they are tired etc etc.
If she had been shocked or upset she would have cried.
It’s ok. You did nothing wrong.
Have you tried walking away and ignoring the behavior? Obviously in the appropriate situation? Not when hurt, very tired etc etc. Different techniques work with different children.

You're doing fine and we all lose our cool at times so don't worry about that.

I will say though that my DS always responded better to a firm and sometimes sharp NO when he was about to embark on a tantrum. Gentle parenting techniques just used to lead to him escalating and getting more worked up. The firm NO signalled a boundary to stop the behaviour and always resulted in the whole thing being over much quicker and him not getting as upset.

At this age I found distraction worked best. You can't reason because they don't understand. But you can often divert their attention elsewhere. Whilst it's not great you lost your cool, she was then distracted by her toys and seemed to move on pretty fast.

As she ages you'll refine your technique more too, because she will change. My DD is one year older and whilst she can still tantrum she can be reasoned with a bit more in terms of explaining why, or saying I know you don't like X but it's X or Y and the she will usually choose X because it's not as bad as Y. Eg. I know you want to wear your wellies but you can't, you've got to wear shoes. Would you like the red ones or the blue ones. When they're smaller you've got no hope with that though!

I remember my DD because especially bad at this age. I timed a tantrum once when she was maybe a bit closer to 2 and it lasted about 23 minutes. I was terrified of what was to come but since she was 2 and understood more language it's actually been much better.

Thanks everyone.

I'm getting myself into such a mess over these things. I'm so worried to be anything like my parents I'm wondering if I'm going too far the other way.

It's so hard when they don't understand :-(

I’ve been dealing with the same doubts OP. We’re only human and I’m sure every single gentle parent out there has had the odd shout.

Like others have said, we're all human. Don't beat yourself up over it anymore than you already are. It's happened, let it go. Something I've found helpful with our daughter of similar age is to try avoid saying 'no' and instead redirecting with an instruction of what I want her to do eg instead of saying 'no, we don't throw books' I say 'let's pick the books up and put them back on the shelf' (and then start doing it so she joins in). This mostly works pretty well. Also the typical stuff like giving her a choice of two things to maximise her control over what she can influence. Getting dressed/putting shoes on tend to be a key kick off point for us so we involve her favourite toys and put clothes/shoes on them too. I've also noticed she is particularly prone to tantrum when tired or hungry (inevitably), so constant snacks to hand helps a bit! You're doing great, it's a tough age I think everyone would agree.

You are entirely normal and not a terrible parent.

Mine are older now and I've told the stories of some of their adventures and how I felt and how I responded, they don't remember. Not even the one where they were fishing in the toilet to detect who's poo it was

I had 2 x dd's a year apart.. Did a baby sign class when they were 5 and 20 months.
Massively reduced the tantrums I had previously had with older siblings!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I probably said more than that within the first 10 minutes of my terrors being awake this morning.

You are human!
We've all lost our patience a few times and yelling a bit is completely harmless as long as it's not often which in your case it clearly isn't.
Give yourself a break, you sound like you are doing an amazing job.
My 14 month old constantly has the biggest tantrums at nappy changes and the other day we were out and all hell broke lose on the nappy changing station in this hot stuffy toilet in a shopping centre. Safe to say I uttered a few swear words. Not proud of it but I am only human and it was a stressful situation.

You need to develop your stern mum voice. Not angry, not shouting, but with authority that says this is not play time or a negotiation

At the weekend she had the most epic meltdown because I wouldn't let her eat the peel off a banana. It was in the pram basket. She was toddling at the side of me all very happy. She spotted it, went for it - when I said no - she lost it.

It was beyond embarrassing. People literally came over and stood staring at us, that's how loud she was. She was thrashing, red, shaking, hysterical and screaming at the top of her lungs. Tried to redirect her, tried to cuddle her, tried to get her to walk away - in the end I was sat on the floor trying to rock her. She just kicked and screamed. You'd have thought I was killing her.

All I could do in the end was pick her up and carry her to the car and leave DH in the shop.

I did remain calm, didn't yell and I didn't give in and hand her the peel - but as I was walking out I could hear what people were saying. Things like - what on earth is wrong with that child? And I'm walking out thinking- nothing I just wouldn't let her eat a moldy banana peel.

I wrestled her into the car seat, got in the car and just burst into tears. She just sat there and screamed and screamed until I found a dummy and she eventually calmed down.

It's just so extreme. I feel so out of my depth 🙁

You sound like a wonderful mum who is trying her absolute best to be an amazing mum!

I have a just turned 2 year old and I also struggled with how to react in certain situations. It's very stressful at times.

I have now learnt not to over think. I am kind, gentle, understanding and reasonable with mine a huge amount of the time. But, there are times when only a much firmer stance will work and cut through. I reserve it for when it's a safety issue or if I feel like he really needs to listen and stop.

I now see it as part of a loving parenting spectrum - I wouldn't be doing him any favours if I didn't give him firm boundaries when needed. As part of a bigger picture of listening to him, understanding him and giving him choice in his little world too.

Keep going, don't be afraid to be firm when needed, you clearly love your child and they are lucky to have a mum who tries so hard!