Why do I get so overwhelmed

[user40816]

I can't handle the sound of babies crying in distress whether it's mine or anyone else's. It sends me into a tunnel visioned panic mode (heart racing, anxiety, inability to concentrate on anything else, etc). I know mums are programmed to respond to the sound of a crying baby but my response causes arguments between me and my partner because I can get really abrupt and snappy when I'm in one of these states. I don't have any other signs of postpartum depression or anxiety and the doctor said it was normal but I really don't feel it is, and my partner has seriously considered our compatibility going forward because of how I can be these days. Why am I so triggered?

How old is your baby? It seems a bit much that your partner is considering leaving you over this. What exactly happens when baby cries?

I have a toddler. 17 months old. I cannot bear when he whinges and shouts. Even if it's happy shouting. Which is all the damn time these days. I can hold it together when he's shouting but I refuse to conduct a conversation over it.

So when he's shouting and banging in his high chair my husband kept trying to discuss important things with me and I'd get snappy. I hate the sound of my voice getting louder to make myself heard over this shouty little gremlin. And I'm tired after spending the day at toddler groups surrounded by even more of the little rotters.

So we have a rule. If there's anything really important to discuss we talk about it when our son is in bed and we stick to light conversation otherwise.

Are you able to power through and deal with the crying as long as someone isn't chipping in and bothering you? Maybe this is a conversation you need to have with your partner. Often it's better for both parents if the other one backs off when they're dealing with things. There's nothing worse to me than someone hovering over me and chipping in when I'm trying to deal with a crying wriggling baby. And vice versa I leave him to it when he's dealing with our son.

@Zipadeebooyah She's 10 months. If she's not in my care (as in dad/someone else is looking after her in a different room) and she starts crying in a distressed kind of way (she's bumped herself, overtired, over stimulated) then it's like a switch is flipped and I suddenly become panicked and want to try and console her. If my partner is obviously not helping her or doing something to make it worse then I will very abruptly say "do X/stop doing X" rather than calmly asking him, and it's that attitude he's sick of. I don't do it intentionally, or even consciously, it's a kneejerk response to becoming very overwhelmed by her upset. Maybe this isn't the most appropriate thing to compare to, but I imagine it's the all-consuming state someone who has autism experiences when they get over stimulated in an environment.

I'm triggered by crying/winging I cannot stand the sound. My baby is 7 months and has cried a lot from colic and being unsettled
I feel it drains me x
No other advice sorry

You're not alone and you're most likely exhausted. I'd imagine the unhelpful comments from DP are majorly adding to your sense of stress and being overwhelmed. See if it's possible to rejig your home rota so that DP is able to take over at times to let you rest with no interruptions.

I can relate with this, I go into like a total shutdown mode. So for example if I'm changing my baby like her nappy or clothes if she's been sick and she's screaming I sort of unknowingly just crack on with changing her and OH will come in and be like "why aren't you talking to her or singing to her to calm her" but it doesn't even cross my mind cos I'm so overwhelmed with the crying and just focused on getting the job done of what I'm doing so I can pick her up and hopefully make her stop. But he doesn't get it.

I also get snappy unintentionally when these things are happening, and then I have a 3yo who starts asking me questions (like why on repeat) and it's even more overwhelming.

I think you need to leave your partner alone with her more often. I'd be really unhappy if my partner snapped at me and grilled me with questions when I was dealing with my son.

Learn to let him get on with it and find his own ways to comfort her. Get out of his way and actually leave the house when he's looking after her. Take advantage of some time to yourself. Or stay in and let him take her out somewhere.