Refinding my identity -anyone else?

[PandemicParent]

I'm a mum to an gorgeous 20 month old, who makes me very happy. The odd thing is that at the same time, I feel very lost in terms of my personal direction. I was curious if others have felt this way and any tips?

Prior to my daughter being born, I was very career focused and progressing up the career ladder. I took shared parental leave and took 2 x3 month blocks and used all vacation to do 4 days a week. I thought that would give me lots of time with my daughter but also give my career continuity because I'd be around. Also I wasn't eligible for paid parental leave, so it helped financially.

From a personal perspective, it's been great, I'm so happy and have loved all the time with her. But at work, expectations are that I perform at the same level as FT people. So I feel like an underperformer. Pregnancy was also tough, so again hard to be excellent at work.

Outside of work, I used to have time for hobbies. I had "found myself", I knew what I liked and enjoyed life. The pandemic stopped all of these 2 years before having my daughter.

I'm now in a stage where I'm happy due to my daughter but I've lost my personal identity. My hobbies mostly stopped 4 years ago due to the pandemic. I feel like I've been underperforming at work for 2 years, whereas I was previously progressing fast and being very impactful.

Im 39 and happy, but my missing identity reminds me of how I felt at 15. I don't know myself and don't know what to do with my life. I'm lost. I want my happiness to not solely rely on my daughter, that doesn't feel right for either me or her.

I could imagine others feel like this too.
What did/are you doing about it?

I completely get it. I had my first in 2018, and also realised I couldn't go back to my old career and still be around to bring up my child. When I got back into work, the pandemic hit and everything was WFH and my life was basically just our family and our house.
I got a new job outside the house last year and it basically made me realise that the past 4 years have just hugely passed me by in many ways and I wasn't happy with that side of my life.
But by that time I was pregnant with my second!
However, though I'm on mat leave now, it's given me renewed focus about what I want for myself in the future. I like working in a city again and seeing people. Ive realised that for my mental health, I have to make time to see friends, and to plan trips and events where I'm not 'mum'. Similarly, carving out time for my marriage is really important to me.
It's very hard. Ive only just realised how much I'd drifted from myself and what motivates and excites me. But I feel a lot more positive now that post mat leave (and maybe during it) I can start prioritising myself a bit more, and just figuring out what this next phase of my life looks like. I think because I knew I would eventually have two kids, I never really bothered getting back into myself. But now I can start to look towards the future and it feels much better!

When I go back to work after mat leave I will not be able to uphold my current position as it is a managerial full time role. I fully affect this and just think I can go back to this when I'm older and my job now is to raise my little boy and enjoy family life. Work isn't everything.

But missing my gym, I was in amazing shape before pregnancy and trained 5 times a week which helped my mental health. I had a c section recovery has been tough. I have had to give thr gym up as I just don't have the time with a 3 month old and he won't go down for naps so can't even workout at home. In this way I feel I've lost my identity too. Try not to be hard on yourself, being a mum comes with many sacrifices

Please ignore the typos!!

Thank you both. It's nice to be able to talk about these kinds of challenges. I imagine lots of my colleagues/friends with kids feel the same but it's not spoken about openly.

@Februaryschild2023 - what's you plan to help you prioritise yourself more? Do you have the support with childcare that you need to do it? WFH frees up so much time that counting to a city takes up.

@Bullzeye I hope you manage to get back on to exercise. I'm due to start maternity leave soon and my partner has offered to help me carve out time for an early morning swim several days a week. I feel this might be ambitious with the expected sleep deprivation but I find swimming really helpful and hopefully I can nap later in the day. Are you able to get out for a brisk walk with a pushchair? We got a jogging pushchair for my first and it was great for naps, once they were big enough

Totally feel this! My DS is 26 months and I love him so much, but I work FT so life is literally work and parenting, and it’s hard to do a good job of both of them simultaneously! All my pre-baby hobbies are no longer practical or I simply don’t have energy or time for them. I still socialise a bit but tbh I find it draining. I think the fact that having DS coincided with the pandemic has made it worse… I literally can’t remember who I was before! I have resolved to start exploring new hobbies… small steps… but I need to discover myself again!

This is exactly how I feel too. Specifically about work being a place to channel my energy and makes me feel confident. And around historically poor mental health that I probably manage through work.

I suspect that this has just become a coping mechanism, we've had 15 or so years to manage mental health through our old lifestyle. But only months to find new coping strategies in a completely different lifestyle. Despite that, I don't want to give up on the old me. I spent 15 years invested to get to that place, so I still want it to be a part of me.

The only thing that is different for me, is during my first maternity leaves, I only took 3 months off at a time, at the beginning and end. So I didn't invest my time in to getting to know other mums other than seeing people in passing at classes. My 3 months was precious time with my DC and recovery, I could feel it going fast, so I focused on DC despite having always been very social (I was still worried about COVID too). That probably isolated me. However, I can see that it would help most to meet mums who are like-minded, which means your experience isn't ideal. I can also see how SAHMs really need to engage in these things and so is probably less likely to meet working mums. I wonder if there are better ways to meet local mums in a similar situation, that might really help.

6 months is a good phase to be going in to, they get much more alert and their own personalities are starting to shine through. I found this is when it gets more and more rewarding each day.

You have got me thinking about my social network though. I suppose at work, I've found it easier to find like minded people. Except now, I feel more different. My colleagues are mostly male. They don't really get it but also sometimes a bit prejudice /sexist, through societal ignorance rather than any malice but it makes me feel less like I belong at work. Perhaps this is part of the change I'm sensing.

Great to hear your intentions. Do you have ideas for hobbies that would be good for you?

I thought forced work from home was useful whilst pregnant in the pandemic. But like you it feels like my hobbies have been absent for so long. It's hard to reintegrate them with all the extra commitments.

I'm realising that a big part of my problem is being a bit lonely from adult company that I can relate to being immediate family. So I think a hobby needs to include others. Tricky from a scheduling point of view. Would be interested to hear what you think you need from hobbies? Or ideas of what to do?

@PandemicParent - I am really glad my post helped, and also very selfishly glad I posted, as your reply has really helped me too, so thank you.

We are definitely on the same page I think. I completely agree with your analysis of work and mental health. It has definitely been an outlet for me, as it has been for you. It also really does bring out the best in me, which then 'overspills' into my personal-self so without it, I feel somewhat lost, and a different person (?).

Like you, I do not want to lose this aspect of me either, especially as I really feel I am a happier and more fulfilled person when I work, which in turn can only be good for my little boy (Happy mum = happy baby!).

The thing I am so keen to do (and so so very anxious about) is balancing both parts of me when I am back to work in September. I am considering reducing my hours to 4 days (luckily I am able to wfh 2/3 of those days) so I can balance my career with my little boy. How did you find it going back to work? Any top tips? I appreciate this is your post so I hope you don't mind me asking questions back at you!

Totally understand what you say about a support network... The one thing I would say - is making sure that you engage with, and get to know, people who you have a lot in common with and connect with. IMO, there is nothing more lonely than being in a room with people with whom you struggle to relate. It's all about meaningful connection I think. So definitely don't be afraid to put yourself out there, and put in the hard graft (and lots of small talk) to meet 'your' people.

It definitely takes resilience and I have left lots of baby groups in tears - I know that sounds quite dramatic but they can be a little cliquey where I am, so I really really hope your experience is more positive! Funny how these experiences brings out the schoolchild in you! Despite this, I have only met one person I really connect with and hope to stay in touch with.

I think your split maternity leave for your first baby sounds like an amazing idea! Are you planning on the same this time around?

The other thing I want to say say - if you are also anything like me, you are your own worst critic! So I would definitely hedge my bets you have not been underperforming at work in the way you say and are doing a great job! You have continued to work and balance being a fantastic mum, so you are doing an amazing job! Your 'old' you is still there, live and kicking!