4 year olds separation anxiety is destroying me

[Shalamadama]

DD4 has the most awful separation anxiety at the moment. I can't shower without her sitting on the loo waiting for me and crying. I can't get dressed without her clinging onto my legs. I can't eat or drink anything at the table without her sat on me clinging onto me for dear life and telling me how much she loves me.. I can't do anything at all. The night times are the worst. I used to love putting her to bed but it's just positively awful and prolonged now. She makes me come up and down the stairs a number of times for hugs and kisses and cries and screams until she gets her own way. She cries and cries thinking I'm leaving her if i go downstairs for 30 minutes to eat my dinner. The times I've relented and brought her into my bed she fidgets so much I just can't sleep. Then I go to work with 3 hours sleep. She wakes up several times in the night asking if I'm there and I have to answer before she goes back to sleep. She's now scared of the dark. I've put a nightlight in her room, play soft music all night long, she sleeps with a photo of me and my hoodie that smells of me. She never used to need all of this to go to sleep.
I feel destroyed.
I'm a single parent to her, dad only has supervised contact in a contact centre. She's always been v attached to me but this is just suffocating.
Please, what else can I do. I can't cope with such little sleep and every evening full of dread and despair just got her to sleep :(
What I don't understand is she's actually fine at nursery and even fine at the contact centre, she does ask for me but not to this scale.
Please can anyone offer any words of wisdom?

It sounds like she wants you in her presence when you’re there, rather than when you’re not.
So, think about what little things could be improved on. Eg, at meal times, eat together sitting on chairs next to each other. Showering - an she have her favourite toy in the bathroom to play with? Bed times - talk about the routine she has and stick with it. Don’t keep going up when she’s crying - which I know is easier said than done.

The best thing to do - the only thing you can do - is to focus on your own feelings. It sounds counter-intuitive but it works.

What are you feeling when she shows signs of anxiety? You said dread and despair? It’s okay to feel those things. They’re not going to hurt you. Feelings pass when we let ourselves feel them. I think at the moment these feelings are really uncomfortable to you, and then your child probably picks up on your discomfort so won’t settle. If you’re calm and regulated, she’ll come into regulation with you and be calm too.

If you can practice sitting with your feelings, you can then make more conscious choices e.g. calmly reiterate that she needs to stay in bed when it’s bedtime etc instead of feeling like you’re being held hostage to her feelings.

Mindfulness meditation is a good way to practice sitting with your feelings (look up free Headspace videos on YouTube). And you can do it in the moment too - try to bring some awareness to the feelings of dread/despair next time you feel them - you can say to yourself ‘oh, there’s that feeling again’ and try to pause and let yourself feel it before responding to your child.

that sounds really tough OP, I’m so sorry. It’s relentless when you’re dealing with this kind of thing by yourself but I promise everything is a phase and it will pass.
Self regulation per above advice (when you have the energy needed for it) is helpful. As is letting some of it go. In case it is helpful have you tried any of the following…

Talking about bedtime routine at a different time when it’s not actually happening (eg. Saturday morning) and ask about her fears and reassure her. Validate her feelings, while reassuring her. (ie. It’s ok to feel afraid of the dark, what is scary about it for you? And then reassure on the things she brings up)

Discuss what the routine is and what she might do (eg. Put pyjamas on), what you’ll do together (teeth, story etc) and also what you’ll do after she’s in bed as part of it. Commit to checking on her in between activities (eg. Mummy is going to tidy the kitchen and then I will check on you, then I’m going to do the laundry and then I’ll check on you, and so on.)

Have you tried doing a version of it with her favourite toy, but during the day? Eg. When it’s bedtime we are going to do X things, let’s try it with your bear. Then let’s leave the bear while we go and have a snack, then let’s check on him so he knows we are still here.

Have a bedtime plan and sticking to it - I found the thing of sitting outside the door for a while after stories/song/cuddle worked quite well (I used to read my kindle) After a few days I could creep away quicker and quicker because they settled faster over time.

Also do you still use a baby monitor? Mine has a walkie talkie feature, so if my little one asks for me I can reassure them that I’m close by and I’ll be up in a minute (or not) without having to go there.

Recommend reading The Owl Who Was Afraid of the Dark by Jill Tomlinson with her.

My DD used to get into my bed in the middle of the night from around the same age. I just let it go (tbh I was so tired I often didn’t even realise she had done it until the morning). About a year later she stopped doing it just as suddenly as she had started. It did affect my sleep having her there (I realised afterwards) but I think, because I didn’t fight it, I relaxed enough to get at least enough poor quality sleep to survive!

I hope there’s something in the above that’s useful, but just know that all you can really do is be as patient as you have it in you to be - and ask for help if you have anyone around to be of some support to you. Even just having a friend to call once she’s in bed to complain about how long it took, or staying the night with friends together, and knowing there are other adults to talk to after, can help relieve a little bit of the pressure.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and that there probably isn’t a silver bullet. But I promise it will get better 💐 (Also sorry this is so long!)

(If sleeping in your bed is a dealbreaker and none of the above helps, even after being consistent with it for at least a few weeks, you might want to consider a little mattress on the floor in your room and letting her know that she can come and sleep there anytime if she wakes up in the night - but she has to go to sleep initially in her own bed)

It sounds like she might be suffering from trauma induced separation anxiety. Has anything happened to you while she's been around? She might be worrying (subconsciously) that something will happen again, hence the intensely anxious attachment style. When I was younger (around 4) I saw my mum in a really bad car accident and after that I was extremely clingy to her and would constantly panic and cry if she went anywhere in her car etc. Dont know if the same type of situation applies to your little one but if it makes you feel any better, I grew out of it after a couple of months.

This sounds quite extreme. Has she suffered any traumatic experiences? I’m wondering if there was something that’s resulted in the supervised contact? If so Maybe that’s underlying her anxieties and that needs to be addressed through therapeutic means?

it sounds exhausting for you though. It’s hard because you both have needs and you need your rest time too.

One of my DC is like this, only a bit older. There are some really good books that can help children understand separation and their feelings around it. Invisible string, what am I feeling? Sometimes I feel sunny. I also describe feelings of anxiety as they're happening and ground at the same time. You can still place personal boundaries. I love you very much, but I need some physical space, offer to hold hands instead of full cuddles, give gentle touches when she sits next to you but not on you. Reassure her your there, but your allowed to gently say I need some space.

My DD had terrible separation anxiety akin to your DD’s. She was, I would later learn, being sexually abused by her father.
This is not me saying ‘here’s what’s happening to your DD’. But she’s clearly come up against something traumatic. Her behaviour is rather extreme. Who’s looking after her other than you?

I'm a single parent to her, dad only has supervised contact in a contact centre.

Simply having a parent leave can be traumatic to a child. That contact has to be supervised suggests more trauma. Did she witness anything like arguments or violence between you and her dad etc? She might just be worried that if dad’s left, you will leave. That’s utterly terrifying to a child because they can’t survive on their own. In small chunks, when you feel she can handle talking about it, it would be worth talking to her about how she feels about what happened with dad and about dad leaving and whether she worries about you leaving too. Try to be led by her as much as you can (don’t impose any feelings on her), but also see if you can join any dots for her and help her make sense of her fear. You can reassure her that you’re not going anywhere, and acknowledge that what happened with dad is very sad etc but not going to happen with you. It might be a conversation you need to have a few times over the years because, as she grows, her understanding, maturity and ability to acknowledge her feelings and talk about it will grow too.

What I don't understand is she's actually fine at nursery and even fine at the contact centre, she does ask for me but not to this scale.

There’s probably a sense of constancy and stability at nursery for her and something calming about being at the contact centre and being reassured that her dad is still actually there. But you’re her main attachment figure, so it’s normal that all her worries and true feelings will bubble up when she’s with you.

She did witness and hear arguments and violence when she was very little, around 14 months just before we left. It's always been me and her even before that as her father wasn't around a lot. She was also subject to his violence as an infant. She's not had any therapy or anything as I left with her and reestablished a life for her away from him.. She's an otherwise very happy and settled child but this separation anxiety is so much at the moment. I reassure her constantly that mummy is here and it's only her and me. She's had a lot of intrusion in her life from various social workers from the local authority and more recently she's met with Cafcass a few times which unsettled her a lot the last time.. They wanted visit her nursery but i said no as she needs one place away from home to feel settled and safe. I don't know if I'm doing things wrong but I just don't know what else to do

Poor little mite.

(poir you too, it's hard when it's so relentless & you've been through a lot too! Well done for getting out!!)

other than nursery does anyone else look after her, ever?

my first thought would be that he's done or said something in the contact centre. It's easy enough to speak quietly and not have the supervising person be able to hear them.

id tell her we need to talk. Explain that you BOTH need to get a good nights sleep, Each in your own beds. Or if it won't disturb your sleep, her on a mattress in your room. Or you could try a reverse video baby monitor so when she wakes up in the night, she can see you sleeping.

Things will improve when you're both sleeping.

I would reassure her that I love her & ask her to tell me why she is struggling, has someone said something or has she overheard something (could be radio or tv or even in a story, something someone said in nursery) that's made her worry about you (or her).

kids can take things wildly out of perspective or hear something they can't process, but are left just feeling scared.

how do you think she'd be if you had someone else there to play with her (like a trusted family member/friend) and you were home but in another room?

she's ok at nursery so maybe it's not 'you' she has to be attached to, so much as a safe person.

How nasty is her father? My initial instinct is that he's said something to her to make her scared of being alone. Like he's going to come & take her away.

I would be concerned that something is happening at the contact centre. Inadequate supervision maybe. Something he is saying or doing.

I do get contact reports and there are a couple of concerning things he says to her but otherwise she does have a reasonably nice time there in our setting.. I don't know if i can attribute this to her father's contact but I just don't know.. I really don't know what he's capable of saying to her. In a couple of reports he refers to his house as home and that she'll be there with him soon but this was a while ok, the separation anxiety has been exacerbated the past few weeks and really reaching an unbearable point. Only nursery look after her other than me.

She's very well behaved at contact, I've never seen anything to say she misbehaves which is strange as she can be extremely challenging at home.

I had this , took her to the children’s centre and they referred me to Camhs which helps with this exact thing
ask your health visitor , gp or children’s centre for a referral
they really helped with my daughter and even made me realise the reasons why she was like this
you will get lots of advice here but that advice applies to other people’s children, see camhs and they will help

Been going through similar with DS who has just turned 5, except he doesn’t see his Dad at all.
Are you supported by Woman’s Aid at all? DS has a family support worker who has given me some excellent resources and he attends a support group (will me there obvs 🤣 but I now sit in the corner where he can see me)
Things that have made a difference for him is talking about his feelings, that I am not going anywhere, even when he is lashing out I still love him just not his behaviour. Massive praise for expressing his feeling but not hurting or destroying anything (he likes to kick and chuck things around when distressed)
He has a worry monster that he can draw pictures about what he is worried about and feed them to the monster and lots of stress balls, fidgets etc.
Strong boundaries like he can wait for me outside the bathroom and chat to me but not inside the bathroom. Next to me on the sofa but not on etc etc It’s relentless but I keep telling myself hopefully if I invest in him now the next few years will be easier. No advice about the bed sharing by the way there is no way he will be shifting anytime soon. I manage to get him to sleep about 7:30 and sneak away. He usually yells for me to come to bed by 11.

This is going to sound counter intuitive, but I'd suggest leaning in to this.

So, when you need the toilet, tell her and offer for her to come. Tell her you'll stay with her till she's asleep and come if she needs you in the night. As in, completely reassure her that you're there. If you're not fighting against it it's actually less exhausting. By doing this, the phase will pass sooner as she becomes completely reassured.

I agree that something may have happened to trigger this, or it may be earlier trauma coming out now that she's getting older, and learning to express herself more. Be there in case she wants to talk about it.

She needs you for now, if she's reassured that you're there for her without fighting for it, she'll grow in confidence and separate from you soon with confidence.

This is actually killing me.. I can't have any evening whatsoever.

Agree with @Ihavekids

She's suffered a trauma and a few more, she's becoming aware and it's freaking her out.
Do the things suggested above, it won't be like this forever, she needs absolute reassurance.

That is hell on earth. Sleeps with a photo of you I'm sorry this made me laugh. My 3 year old gets kicked out of my bed within 2 mins if she starts fidgeting I absolutely hate it. I feel for you this is very extreme but I'd end up losing it if it was my daughter, I have no patience.

Just a suggestion to maybe look from another angle. Could this be about control ? If she is fine at nursery it doesn't really add up if her separation anxiety is so bad.

It's been horrific tonight absolutely horrific.. She's been screaming and crying even when I go in to her she clings onto me and trembles. She thrashed around and it was almost like she was speaking in tongues, I was actually terrified..
I've brought her into my bed for cuddles then bring her back in to her room after a short while. She keeps saying things like "give me my mummy back you horrible monster" there's this fear from her that I'm leaving her and going somewhere despite constant reassurances. She's started to bite herself also or push her face into her pillow.
I really don't know what to do. I thought it was separation anxiety but it actually feels like trauma.

You need to film her and take it to your gp and health visitor and see what they think. Maybe a short course of sleep medication could help to calm her down

I've filmed her before but was told not to, I'm at a total loss as to what to do.

I think probably seeing the HV and GP to rule out anything underlying is a good idea. But honestly, at the same time part of retaining your sanity is also just giving into having no evening for now…

I genuinely know how hard it is to go without one, but in my experience the internal sensation of wanting bedtime to be finished so you can go and do x, y, z - it just makes the whole process more intolerable and go on longer.

If you just assume she’s not going to sleep until much later and you’re going to spend most of the evening with her, it will be easier to cope with I promise. That way your feelings become less, “if I just do this I’ll be free” / “at such a time I’ll be able to watch that tv programme” (leading to increased sense of disappointment and frustration as the time ticks by and the deadlines you’d set internally pass). Instead you feel more like you you’re in it for the long haul and aren’t fighting your hope/expectation of getting an evening.

Part of this involves setting yourself up to succeed - so, eat an early dinner with her (it’s not going to work if you’re starving hungry, your patience will run out too fast). Download a book on your phone or a kindle so you can read while sitting in the dark with her once she’s calm but still needs you close by. Maybe even put pjs on at the same time as she does so you’re “getting ready for bed” together, and you get as cosy and comfy as possible for yourself. Eliminate the list of things you’ll do “after she’s asleep” for the time being - just assume you won’t get any time after she’s asleep.

It sounds really traumatic to witness and I’m sorry you’re going through it, but (assuming there isn’t an underlying issue) this will pass in time. You just kind of have to get into the “having a newborn” survival kind of mindset for a little while and then you’ll drive yourself less crazy in dealing with this. Try and focus on her for now. Good luck 💐