Leaving my 10.5 month for an overnight wedding? Help!

[moonseas]

Hi all,

I’ve been invited to a wedding in a month’s time, at which point my DD will be between 10.5-11 months.

It’s a few hours’ drive away and the plan is for me and a few friends to stay overnight in a hotel after the wedding (which I’ve paid for but it’s not a lot of money lost if I end up cancelling).

This would mean leaving my baby from approx 9am Saturday morning until 1pm Sunday afternoon.

I currently leave her between 8.30am-5pm twice a week with my parents who provide childcare on the 2 days I work, so she’s used to being away from me for 7-8 hours. She refuses to drink my expressed milk or formula during this time so she gets by on her 3 meals a day and water (plus snacks).

For me to go to this wedding, my partner (her dad!) would be looking after her solo while I’m away, but here are my worries:

• Like I mentioned, she won’t drink breastmilk or formula from a bottle or sippy cup which is okay for 8 hours but not ideal for up to 30 hours!
• I feel it’s a lot to ask of my partner after a full week’s work
• I do all overnight wakes. Before we go to bed, if she wakes up and her dad goes up to settle her, it’s 50/50 whether she’ll settle or not! She often screams until I come in - or if she does settle, she wakes up the minute he puts her in the cot
• I cosleep most of the night just to get maximum sleep but she wouldn’t cosleep with him, I feel, so they’d both be in for a shitty night

So my question is - am I being selfish going to this wedding? I’m completely prepared to make sacrifices as a mother so if I can’t go, I can’t go - but it would be fab to go away for the night with old friends and celebrate.

I’ve done 2 local evenings out for food & drinks since she’s been born and that was okay but I was always back before midnight and could take over.

I’m worried she wouldn’t drink any milk, and wouldn’t sleep well, and her and my partner would both be distressed for most of the weekend which doesn’t seem worth it.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated!

Of course you should go. You’re leaving her with her parent, not a total stranger. If her father can’t look after her overnight, he has a problem. Does it not spend much time with her?

I think you should go. She'll be absolutely fine in the care of her dad and it'll be a good opportunity for them to have 1 on 1 time. If they don't sleep great it's not the end of the world, it's 1 night!

Go and enjoy yourself

You’re leaving her with her dad who is equally as much of a parent as you are and should be equally as capable. Surely you’ve had rough nights? Why does it matter if he has one? That’s part and parcel of having a baby!

This really shouldn’t be a dilemma.

I had to go back to work at 6-7 months with my younger two, which often meant 2 nights of travel away from home. We sleep trained them shortly before I went back to work (Ferber method - which was amazing. Only short spells of crying, and all three DCs slept through the night consistently after about 4 nights). I highly recommend some form of sleep training, whether you’ll be away or not.

My DH never had too much trouble when I travelled, even though I’d done most of the bedtimes up until then. He made it work. Our DCs were with their other parent. I would argue it was a great set up for all of us. I got to regain a sense of myself after the newborn haze, my DH became a more competent parent, and the DCs got some nice Papa time.

I wouldn’t hesitate to go away for a night at 10.5 months.

Of course you should go! She is with her dad! She will cope without milk, maybe he can give her an additional snack?

In all honesty if will be distressing for your baby yes. It was less time and no overnight then absolutely but in your shoes i wouldn't. I didn't leave my bf baby until 17m and then attended alone so she could stay with Dad because as much I wanted to go to weddings etc I just figured I have had years of them and many more to come whereas she'll only need me like this once.

Just go. She may fuss alot at first, but once she realises how much fun dad can be, she will be fine.

Are you going to back when she's 12 months? In which case you'll be working (and presumably doing childcare after work too)

It's a one off event and I hope that your h is willing to practice moving to a point where you can be away overnight.

I had an almost identical situation when my son was 11 months - still breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle, I did all the night wakes, and going for almost the exact same time period while DH and I went to a wedding. He stayed with my mum and was completely fine! At that age they're OK without milk for a day - could be worth offering a cup of cows milk? Mine wasn't interested, but he just had extra snacks. I took the pump with me or I'd have got really engorged. But definitely go!

You should definitely go x

Go!

You have time for DC to get used to falling asleep/cosleeping with dad. They may cry for a bit but he's there supporting so it isn't any form of sleep training.

DC will be old enough to survive without milk drinks for 30 hours. You can mix the milk with food (porridge etc) so they're still getting it, but just not drinking it.

Also, my friend has a baby who used to only cry with dad when mum was in the house.

If she knew mum wasn't around, she'd settle instantly with dad.

As your baby gets older and knows you're not around they might not cry for you.

If you want to go- go!
If you don’t want to then don’t. Your little one will be fine with her dad- are you able to address the bottle/milk situation before you go? Make it a little easier for them both?

I think from the tone of your post that you’d like to go and you should! ☺️

If she is going to be hysterical without your breastfeeding l think it's not fair to leave her. In all ways your dh will be fine except for that part. Could your dh go to the same hotel with your little one so you could pop in and out for a feed.
Spend most time with your friends.

Or else spend the next month training her onto a sippy cup. Best done by dh so she can't get your smell.

One option is for all of you (you, DH and DD) to go to the hotel where you are staying. DH can go out with DD in the day while you are doing wedding stuff.

Yes exactly this was my experience with Dc2. He only cried with me in the house, settled absolutely fine with DH when I wasn’t around. He refused bottles and had formula milk with porridge as an afternoon meal with 11 months.

Sounds to me time you've already made your decision by pointing out all the reasons not to go.

I wouldn't go personally. I too exclusively breastfeed & co-sleep, know my DD and DP will be distressed without me, I'll leak everywhere or have to express and chuck milk, she'll have no idea where I am and I don't want her to sleep regress because she is distraught without me. I'll miss her too much too. Doesn't seem worth all the stress for one full day/night with my friends.

Could you just go until midnight/arrive home by 02:00?
Or like book a hotel room for your DH & DD so you can attend to her if needed?
There will be plenty of occasions to go away in a year or so when she can cope better x

I'm here to relate!

My babies have never settled for anyone but me. Lockdowns for my first and I've given up on socialising for my second, life is so busy now.
I'm the same as you, I do all the night wakes, settling, Co sleeping, and neither would take a bottle for ages. Dp not a natural with the babies at all, like yours by the sound of things.

Having said that, I went out at Christmas time til about midnight, and dd went to sleep for her dad, with very little milk but lots of cuddles! He said she just looked at him and he could tell she realised there was no point in arguing!

It might be just the situation your baby and dh need to get a grip (I mean that kindly) because honestly your baby is nearly a year and I think you should go and enjoy yourself. Your baby won't dehydrate or starve once there's water and food. Does your dh have a friend or sister who would go and keep him company in case he needs a helping hand?

Thanks to all for your replies!

Apologies if this is drip feeding but my partner absolutely says I should go and enjoy myself. He spends loads of one-on-one time with her outside of his working hours. He does anything I do with her (play/feed/bathe/go out for trips) but bedtime and night is a huge challenge as only I will suffice, it seems!

I must say I don’t love the couple of comments that he’s not a competent parent or ‘must have a problem’ but I guess that’s the snarkiness to expect on an open forum!

Also she’s not a ‘placid’ baby. She’s joyful and smiles and laughs all day, but when she’s upset or distressed she cries so much she’s sick and sweating - and that’s when she’s being comforted by us! So it’s not like she might grizzle then give up - I worry she would simply cry herself into a state of exhaustion. It’s just her temperament. Again apologies if that was drip feeding, I think I forgot to mention it.

But great to hear she could cope without the milk if I decide to go - thank you for all your comments.

Oh and also I did suggest he come along and stay in the same hotel but he pointed out the rest of the day would be a lot easier to be at home with all of her toys / high chair / home comforts, whereas spending the whole day away in the hotel room or wandering around a random town would be a bit trickier, which I do agree with.

Go! You've got time to do some things that might help. Firstly, does she eat yoghurts? That's a lot more calorific than milk and obviously has the other nutrients that cows milk has.

Secondly, does she eat something you can add formula milk into like porridge? I did this with my little one.

Thirdly, does she have vitamin drops? Because those will help ensure she gets the vitamins she needs, which formula or breast normally provide.

Then there's the sleep training, try going out in the evening a few more times. See if she settles for Daddy better when they both know there's no Mummy nearby to sweep in and take over.

I wouldn’t leave a baby that age who didn’t reliably take a bottle or cup for 30 hours. Unless you can remedy that situation before the event, I personally wouldn’t go.

I highly recommend trying a sippy cup instead of a bottle . It was the key to success with my resistant child.