Can anyone else relate to those horrible ugly feelings of red rage that suddenly flash before you when your child manages to reach to the very limits of your patience? I hope I am not alone. It appears to be something few people discuss over tea and biscuits at mother and toddler group - so I hope I can find comrades here!
My 20 month old toddler is testing me to the limit. He throws mighty tantrums. I can barely control him as he thrashes about like a wild animal - literally. He hits me in the face, his legs collapse beneath him like a rag doll, he throws himself onto all surfaces - concrete/corners of furniture/wet muddy grass verges etc. He also manages to try to escape at least once a week. Today he took advantage of someone leaving the gate open at the toddler group and disappeared. Last week he pushed opened our porch door and ran over the road out of sight. A police helicopter was contacted to take up the search - though I did actually find him 4 mins later. I almost had a heart attack in the street however and ended up being consoled by an elderly neighbour - (whilst my son proceeded to dismantle her living room)
Anyway, to top it all off I am 8 months pregnant. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I try to remain calm and patient, but feel like I no longer have any control over him. Quite often I end up phoning my poor husband (who works in London - 1 hr and and half journey away)in floods of tears, and he then comes home to try to pick up the pieces.
But what scares me - during the midst of some of his tantrums, is this feeling of rage that just bubbles up within me and I'm frightened with the horrid angry thoughts that dash through my mind directed towards my son. I love him so much yet he can sometimes provoke in me a murderous rage which leaves me feeling guilty and numb. It is a blind rage - if you know what I mean (not red mist but just where I feel like my thoughts ar eall over the shop)- and after I'm left racking my brains - 'did I do anything wrong?' 'Did I manhandle him? hurt him?' Actually I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so thats why I always doubt but still - I can't think straight. I feel like I could easily have lost control and it scares me!
I love him and yet sometimes I feel like strangling him!? Is this normal? I feel so guilty even saying it. I'm ashamed of these feelings but they seem so primal I just can't stop them. I know we can't always be perfect mums but I never thought a small child could make me so angry.