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Parenting

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Feeling supremely overwhelmed

4 replies

Sillymummies123 · 26/02/2023 07:37

Hi all,

Long time poster prior to my sons diagnosis with PDA autism (well, still officially waiting but paediatrician was like... yeaahh.... and there's already support in place with him).

Its been a trying journey with him, and we've had some very difficult times. He's bright, but has no cognitive flexibility/ no sense of authority. His word goes, and unlikely our neurotypical child, does not respond to boundaries and limits on TV, food, basically not getting his way, and doesn't "learn that he doesn't get his own way" - trust me, we've been down that road and days became day long physical assaults by him on everyone. We're out the other end and working with him has actually decreased his anxiety and increased his flexibility, however - careful navigation of the days events and very sparing and calm rejection of his demands (play with me, I'm hungry) is needed to avoid drifting back into that violent dark place.

I'm just overwhelmed. He and his 18 month old sister are very demanding, basically want a different input every ten seconds, the sibling fighting is constant, the "mummy", "daddy", its every second. Its 7am now, and I've broken up 10 fights, engaged in about 10 different plays, made and finished breakfast, tried in vain to use the bathroom, had my clothes and skin pulled by two children clambering on me. I'm just feeling like every demand at this point is like a little needle stabbing my mind. I'm starting to wonder whether I'm also autistic, or whether this is a perfectly normal reaction to the constant demands I'm under. Do others make their children play alone or say "no" when asked to play? If so, I don't think that would work for the autistic son or the 18 month old, who I don't feel would do well with neglect.

Gahhh. Practical advice? OH is with me through all of this on the ground. It takes the two of us to keep their needs met, but obviously we need to shower and use the bathroom etc. I have recently been diagnosed with literally high blood pressure and I'm 29. Christ help

OP posts:
Violet1988 · 26/02/2023 07:57

Hiya just wanted to say hi and that I understand some of what you describe. My son is 6 and has autism. I relate to the description of no cognitive flexibility and no sense of authority and traditional parenting methods don't work/make it worse. I also relate to the part where you say you wonder if you are autistic too. I wonder that also. Have you read the book the explosive child. I'm part way through it. How old is your son. I also have two others age four and one. X

Sillymummies123 · 26/02/2023 07:59

He's 3. I just finished 20 minutes of playing with him and said I was just popping downstairs to help daddy and while I was talking to OH, he threw a toy down the stairs and shouted "STOP TALKING", all the while 18 month old clung to my trousers screaming so yeah. Not great. I've read that book, actually, and many more. None of them help and none of them have given strategies that did anything but make his behaviour more erratic

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Violet1988 · 26/02/2023 08:19

I will say that when mine was three things felt a lot bleaker. At six he's still difficult but his personality has emerged so that I can see lots of positives about his character too which helps to balance things. He's extremely creative, always designing inventions/making things. This half term hes made paper windmills, a medal and a paper boat and probably more that I've forgotten. I also understand him a lot better now, I know when something will trigger him and I see when he acts impulsivity and then instantly regrets it, I see how sorry he is even if he would never verbalise it. He also adores the one year old, it's really cute.
Things that help us is using some other authority rather than us. So the police say you need to wear your seatbelt in the car, it's the law etc rather than put your belt on. Choosing words carefully avoiding saying no and taking the time to explain when he can do something or the reason why something isn't possible. Lots of 1:1, can you and your husband divide and conquer. Go out to separate places . Mines so much better when he's the only focus. Also I can't be on my phone at all when. I'm around him. My husband is with them now. He will play up if I'm not focussed on them properly. I think because I would miss early cues of things going wrong.

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Sillymummies123 · 26/02/2023 14:49

Was he hitting you regularly at that age and has he stopped? A difficult one for us is sleep. If he falls asleep at all in the day he will be very violent- he likes hitting on face - when he wakes up and this can go on for an hour at its worst

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