Just thought id jump on here for some advice really see what other people would do if they were faced this situation.
Basically to give some initial context I was in a 7 year relationship, we separated when my son was about 8 months and he's now a little over 2. We split because he turnt around 1 day out of the blue and said he wasn't happy anymore and that was that. He within a few months got a new girlfriend and within a few months got pregnant, their little boy is now a few months old.
Basically his situation is very messy to begin with, he works a lower paid job in a kitchen and lives with the girlfriends grandparents around 30 minutes away but works out 1 hour by buses. He has our son 2 weekday nights a week and has to take him to his dad's again about 1 hour away by bus from me as there wasn't space at the grandparents for him to stay and his dad has loads of space.
The girlfriends parents have recently moved to Plymouth, they was at one point also living with the grandparents. The grandparents are now also moving so they can't live there anymore. He can't afford a place of his own given girlfriend doesn't work and is looking after new baby and he works a low paid job. Apparently they already tried getting council housing but no success.
He told me yesterday that he wants to/feel like his only option is to move to Plymouth where they do have a 4 bed house and live with her mum (she has I think maybe 3 kids?). Plymouth is at least a 4 hour journey from me (South East london). He explained that they could get a bed for him in the younger siblings room or he could sleep in living room when he stays. He also explained the boyfriend of the mum drives back to London every week and so he would be able to get lifts (he doesn't drive) and take him back on his days off and the girlfriend would look after him during weekends when he is at work and then they would bring him back. Their decision to move here is basically final he thinks he can get a job transfer in his current job role.
Here are my concerns
- he quit his job some months ago (didn't work his notice knowing his girlfriend was pregnant at the time) and left me in the dark financially with childcare costs I really can't cope with this happening again so need to definately know he's OK to transfer and this won't happen.
- I barely know the girlfriend or her family I don't feel comfortable with him taking him to basicslly just dump the childcare on his girlfriend and people I dont know?
- 8 hour round-trip? Is he nuts that's so not fair on a toddler to be dealing with that on the regular and that's best case scenario could be a lot worse on some days.
So my dilemma is what to do, I've explained all of this too him and he doesn't get it he just says we'll he trusts her and doesn't see the travel as a big issue. I don't want to stop my son from seeing his dad but also want to put his best interests first, I want to make sure he has structure and routine and is safe where he is for my peice of mind as well.
I personally think he does have other options as well given his dad's place does have space for them but I know he doesn't want to live there as it is also a busy household and he clashes with some of his family. Even his mum lives in Wales we lived their at one point I said he'd be better of living there he'd have full time childcare so they could both work and get their own place eventually, where they live is closer than Plymouth and he could just have him say 1 week every 4 weeks and have mum as childcare in between who I know and trust. They have made up their mind though and won't listen, I guess he's putting her needs first?
Also what about school he can't be doing this when my son is in school so its a joke really.
Have any of you been faced with long distance co parenting, how did you make it work.. would you let your ex partner do this??