I am failing my baby and dont know what to do

[rtyoll]

I have just sobbed and sobbed today. I am a lone parent, ex has never met our child despite our child being conceived in what I believed to be a loving relationship. I had no expectation that I would be alone parent and 6 months in I feel I’m doing terribly. I still feel lost and angry about the loss of the relationship and very confused. I clean, feed, cuddle, bath, wash, order food, buy toys, go for walks but I know my baby is happier around other people. I have nothing left to give after I’ve done all the admin and the caring and the running of the house. Today for example I took him to my parents and he was laughing and smiling loads. The moment we got back I had to put him in his cot, he stared to cry but I had to put a wash on, I had to cook my own dinner, I had to shower. He was basically left a long for a large part of the evening which is the same everyday. When I do have spare time I hope he will sleep so I can just think about anything else that isn’t baby related. I don’t think I have depression, I’m just so busy looking after him I can’t do the fun part as well. I feel like he prefers being around others. Im really sad. I never wanted a baby in these circumstances, i had hoped I would have a good set up with an equally loving and strong partner. Whilst I can manage and I’m ok, I know if I wasn’t alone my son would be happier and I don’t know how to live with that, I can’t give him the attention he deserves.

*left alone for a large part of the evening

It sounds like a really tough situation. I'm sorry.

Could you have a playpen or a bouncer in the kitchen perhaps so you can chat to him while you cook and do chores? Or could you pop him in a sling? I used to do all my cooking and chores pretty much with my son strapped to me (obviously have to be careful on the cooking front). It gave him the attention and closeness he craved whilst letting me get on a bit.

Is the cot in the same room as you were? Maybe think about creating a safe space where he cam be while you do chores - a playpen, highchair,tot safe room with a stair gate on kitchen door. Don't feel you need to entertain him 24/7 .

I’m sorry it’s so tough, lone parenting is really hard especially in the years when a child’s needs are so all-consuming.

You’re doing the best you can, and things are reparable.

You’ve just got to believe that you’re the most important person in your baby’s life - you are. If you don’t believe it and look away from him he’ll get distressed and look elsewhere for love.

You’re right you can’t give him all the attention he deserves because babies are so all-consuming and need both parents around. But that’s not your fault, not what you planned, and not within your power to fix. It’s very sad. Allow yourself to feel that sadness and grieve it.

Try to do everything you can to make life easy for yourself and make play time with your boy a priority. It’s so easy to let that slide and see it as a ‘nice to have’ but it’s important for you both. (I’m a lone parent to a 9yr old and he’s old enough to tell me this now - ‘you don’t play and have fun with me mum!’)

Could you maybe batch cook at the weekend while he’s in a sling or bouncer with you in the kitchen, to make other nights a quick reheat dinner? Can you ask your parents to help YOU out (eg help you round the house) to free you up for bonding/fun time with your boy? Don’t let them have all the fun!

You can do this, and do it in a way that you love. It just takes prioritising what you know to be truly important and choosing yourself and your joy over everything else.

Baby sling, get one pop baby on and talks to your baby about the chores you are doing.

You are not failing in the slightest. Baby is only 6 months old your not even into a rhythm yet. Relax and chill. You know what screw the housework tomorrow and relax, go out to the park come home have some lunch together and play on the floor all afternoon.

Stop worrying all your baby need sis food(milk) clean clothes and bedding and YOU !

your doing great, keep on going this is the hardest time. Once they start walking and taking you'll be in your stride by then

I’m so sorry you feel this way OP. Remember you will still be recovering from the birth both physically and psychologically - it’s an enormous change to go through. PND can strike up to 18 or even 24 months later. You don’t have to feel ok and together - lots of mums don’t at six months, I certainly didn’t! - and your circumstances make it even harder.

In terms of practical advice, I tried to have the baby not in the cot while I was doing chores. Two reasons: first, sleep habits, the cot is only for sleeping not playing; second, I had him in the living areas so I could see him and he could see me most of the time. I had a few areas he could be in: a play gym type thing (like a padded mat he could roll around on, with a toy arch - although at six months he was getting a bit big for the arch); a sleepyhead / dock-a-tot so he could practice pulling himself up on the sides and could nap if he wanted; a breastfeeding pillow that I could prop around him to practice sitting. I basically then put some toys down and let him get on with it while I had chores, popping over every 5 or 10 mins to make faces and reassure him.

At six months, he should probably have a bedtime. This means you have much of the evening to yourself. Can chores be relegated to this time if you are worried about spending time with him?

Again, I’m so sorry you’re so sad and that life is so much harder as a lone parent. I have enormous admiration for single mums - it is so tough

You are absolutely not failing, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing an amazing job, being a new mum isn’t easy at the best of times but you’re doing it all on your own!!
I do think getting something like a baby bouncy chair or a playpen if space allows would help as baby would be in the same place as you and able to see what is going on, and you could chat away to them then, much more interesting and (hopefully!!) much less stressful. I’m not a single parent but my husband works very long hours (I’m not saying it’s the same, don’t worry!!) and I found that set up helped me so much. My son also had one of those wheely walker things, he bloody loved that… my ankles did not.

They like hearing your voice a lot at this age. I used to just have a running commentary of whatever nonsense came into my head. That can build a bond too, he’ll know you’re talking to him even though he doesn’t know what you’re saying. Again, easier if he’s nearby.

The crying can feel so relentless. It’s often not ‘personal’ - he isn’t crying because he doesn’t like you. Babies have such a limited repertoire of reactions and every day is probably both his best and worst day ever and he’ll cry or laugh accordingly. Try not to personalise it as him liking you or not. Fundamentally he loves you because he’s a tiny baby animal and you’re his mum.

Hi OP. I am in the exact same situation and I have felt the same. I know how much my baby loves being with my family but I also know how much he loves me. You are his mother. You are the most important person in his life and nothing will ever change that. Keep going, you’ve got this!

I'd ask your parents round to help you! They can entertain your ds while you do housework and shower, or they could help with housework so you can focus on ds!

Agree with a playpen or similar in the kitchen so your LO can be with you and you can chat to them. Or pop them in their high chair, give them a toy?

And does your LO have a bedtime routine? Getting them into a good bedtime routine means that your evenings will soon be yours again.

My suggestions to make things easier would be:

• a sling, and learn how to back carry if possible - I have a fly tai (sp?) and it is super comfy and easy to get on once you know how, also a game changer for getting jobs done. (got mine on vinted)
• yes space / baby safe space - where baby can be with minimal supervision and you don't have to limit what they can touch or where they go
• its good for babies to entertain themselves, they learn so much through independent play, so don't feel bad about baby being left alone. Also long term if they can learn to play independently then it's helpful as they get older too

Also I'm sorry it's turned out not how you expected. It does get easier, it's up and down, but it does get easier and also more enjoyable.

Also just to add, my 8mo is very grumpy and unsettled atm, constantly unhappy at home. Yet I take him to the childminder for his settling in sessions, literally his first ones last week, and he was super happy, didn't miss me at all either. haha.

Op you sound like a lovely caring mum who desperately needs a break. Are you getting any time away from your LO?

When you go to your parents, can they care for LO while you go for a walk or for a coffee?? Can you shower at their place?? If they knew you were struggling in the evenings, could they send you home with dinner so you just need to heat it up?

Reach out to Gingerbread, the lone parents charity for support. The first year can be so incredibly tough, even with good support. I think you sound like you’re doing amazingly well.

Wishing you well.

I’m so sorry, this sounds so tough. I just wanted to say though that nobody can make your baby happier than you. It’s often the case that they smile and laugh more worth other people, such as family members - maybe because our faces are so familiar? But you are his lifeline, his comfort and his world.