Am I crazy? Is this really how mom life always is?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I had my first baby in July 2022, now almost 8 months old. I'm married to her father. It was an unplanned pregnancy but we welcomed her regardless.

Fast-forward postpartum and at home, and I'm realizing and noticing a few things I guess I just didn't expect as a new mom? I know being mom does often make you the primary caretaker, especially when you're a breastfeeding mom. But is it common for dad to kind of always leave it up to me to do everything in regards to her and household upkeep?

We both work full time, he's the one who decided he wanted to coach basketball to elementary and middle schoolers. After he gets home from work/practice/games, he claims he always needs just 1 hour to decompress, which I can completely understand, I would like that too occasionally, but I also know I have a young baby that relies on me, needs me, and misses me after a long day at work.

Anyway, he claims he can't eat with her, claims he can't really sleep with her because she will wake up and then wake him up and then he can't go back to sleep. He says he can't play the game and watch her, or can't watch any of his shows and watch her because then she starts fussing to be picked up/held/put to sleep.

I not only eat with her, I have learned how to shower with her, cook with her, she comes with me to my doctor's appointments and my personal care appointments (usually just my waxes, when I go to get my hair done, eyebrow waxes, etc. --- NO nail salons). She comes with me when I have to drive 1.5-2hrs into town to go see my family or have my dad fix up my car, she comes with me every single time I agree to plans with my child free friends (whom I feel bad for because they didn't ask for a baby to be around every time they want to spend time with me, but she's my baby and even if I WANTED to leave her with someone, I can't because no one wants to watch her, INCLUDING my husband). I've even managed to pump with her, the only real downside is the fact that at some point in the middle of me pumping, she wants to be picked up and nurse to sleep, during which I have to stop pumping (hands-free pump doesn't get out enough milk, so I stick to the manual ones).

Ever since she was a newborn, I have always asked my husband if he could just take her while I pump, and he always tries to just get me to keep her with me while I pump, but I CAN'T, solely because I'm not pumping if I have to hold and nurse her, which is only worse if my boobs are engorged and painful.

I've figured out how to eat with and clean with her, I've figured out how to shower with her, I've figured out how to go to my appointments with her and keep her occupied, but whenever she's with me while I'm pumping, she wants nothing more than to be in my arms and nursing. I'll make her sleep, and as soon as I put her down by herself, she wakes up screaming just angry I put her down after she got so comfortable.

I only ask if he can watch her while I pump and shower (if I'm showering on a day she doesn't need a bath), and he always has an excuse as to why he can't (he needs to eat, the game, he's had her ever since he got home, he needs his 1 hour to decompress, etc. etc.).

I think I'm just getting annoyed because it makes me feel like I can't even wash my ass and pump my engorged breasts after I get home from work before I have to jump back into "mommy mode". I'm not even asking someone to watch her while I eat because I've learned how to just eat with her.

Today he took her with him to one of his games, this is the first time he's ever done this. He said it was so hard trying to coach while she was fussing and crying in his arms and tried to argue that it was easy for me to whip one out and calm her down.

Am I wrong here to be upset? I feel like he just downplayed EVERYTHING I have to do when I have her on top of a mountain of other things to do.

Don't get me wrong, I love my baby to bits and pieces, and nothing negative is directed at her, but am I really wrong in thinking the playing fields here are nowhere NEAR even/close to one another?

FYI, she does not like the chest carrier, and even in her walker/bouncer with her favorite show on, she's gonna want to be picked up at some point in time, ESPECIALLY if she's tired.

No, this is not normal. Does he do anything at all with her? I wouldn't be putting up with this at all.

I would say though that of course he can't take her to his games where he's coaching. But how much time is his coaching hobby taking up?

It's interesting how couples often end up falling into the traditional roles they have observed from their parents when a child arrives. You've learned to do things with your baby, your DH sounds like he's just expected to carry on as usual and not have to make changes or time sacrifices. I don't think you're unreasonable at all wanting him to take her so you can do some basic things, like shower and pump.

I do think Mum life often involves taking babies to things like appointments. Dad needs to also take the hit to his time and how easy it is to do things though. As he's discovered, it makes things harder. That's just how it is.

Usually just 2x/wk from 6-8pm. He claims that when he gets back home from work, he has her up until I get home, but I often hear the opposite from his mom and sister who say he will give her to one of them and check on her in a few hours (all whilst I'm still at work). Thing is, on the days he works and I don't, he'll come home and immediately put his earbuds in so he can "decompress" for his much needed UNINTERRUPTED hour of "me time" after work. THEN he needs to eat something, and he can't do that with her, or if I ask him to watch her for a second while I throw clothes in the laundry, he's "getting ready to go upstairs" even though the time it takes me to get her settled and the clothes in the laundry, he's still sitting exactly where he was when I left the room.

I'll ask him if I can leave her with him for a bit while I do something and I swear there's always a reason why he can't or in that very moment he's "getting ready" to go do something else.

Trying to be kind, assuming he's not lazy but rather he's not got confidence. He won't learn his own ways of handling her if he doesn't just try. He needs to problem solve the challenges of keeping her happy, not just keep fobbing her off to you.

Couples counseling? He needs to hear that this isn't ok. The longer he leaves it yur harder it will be for her to get used to him.

I understand the appointments so that doesn't bother me; it's mostly just the fact that I basically can't take care of any of my own basic needs with any type of help.

I can't even make plans to go back to the gym because I wouldn't have adequate childcare, and because I wouldn't have adequate childcare, creating a regular workout routine would be nearly impossible for me because of he's not at work, he's coaching, and if he's not coaching, he wants to go to the gym everyday, meanwhile I can really only go to work, come back home, and go out and do only baby approved things.

Last time I went out alone without baby girl was December 2022, and that was due to a work party. Besides that, I hadn't even gone out to do anything as an adult.

I feel lonely because I'm either at work or at home, and all of my friends are currently still child free and just being young adults (as they should), and I wouldn't want my baby around whilst I'm out being an adult. I don't even get to watch my own TV shows anymore unless I'm staying up past 2am, which is practically impossible now.

He wants an hour per work day to decompress, but I can't even get 1 hour in the week to do something I want, without worrying about it affecting someone else. (I love true crime and animated horror stories, but would never watch/listen to them near baby, I would never want to be under the influence around baby because I know I'm a lightweight and most certainly wouldn't want anything bad happening to her because of it, etc.)

I just feel like I'm being made to make all different types of accommodations and sacrifices for a child that we share ON TOP of being held accountable for things going on in our household.

Thing is, on the days he works and I don't, he'll come home and immediately put his earbuds in so he can "decompress" for his much needed UNINTERRUPTED hour of "me time" after work. THEN he needs to eat something, and he can't do that with her, or if I ask him to watch her for a second while I throw clothes in the laundry, he's "getting ready to go upstairs" even though the time it takes me to get her settled and the clothes in the laundry, he's still sitting exactly where he was when I left the room.

I would 'notice this' and mention it every time. For example: "I notice that when I do laundry/eat I hold her but you don't", "I notice I take her to my appointments but you don't'". Just 'notice'. Don't even have to judge. Just notice. And if he's not a giant dickhead, he will start to notice too. I'd also have an hour to decompress after work. If he complains, 'notice' that he does it.

If he gets angry, or denies or finds another way to make you feel guilty, he's a giant dickhead and there's no saving him (or your marriage).

That's a nice point. I did contemplate taking an hour the same way he does, but I would feel extremely guilty when I know as soon as my baby sees me, she's smiling and wants me to pick her up and give her love. It's hard for me to walk away from her as she's crying, it hurts me, so I kinda just cave and grab her because I miss her too after a long day.

No it's not normal. My dh used to fling down his bag and almost run in the door to get his hands on the baby.

He couldn't wait and saw the time he had with her after work as precious as he had t seen her all day. He did bath and bed every night while I did dinner and whatever else. He was quite sad when they were about twelve and wanted to read to themselves at bedtime.

So take the hour later. But tak it.

So you have a huge imbalance going on in your relationship. That's not fair. So think about how you want to address it.