In pieces

[junioers]

I’ve got a beautiful dd who turns six months tomorrow. But my life feels broken. My ex DP left me a couple of times in pregnancy and finally left for good when I was 35 weeks. Whilst we both had ‘decent’ jobs financially, his is seen as one of those things people just admire from the word go, as it makes a huge difference to people’s lives and he carries with it a high status. Because of this (or maybe it’s my imagination), I feel like everyone around me blames me for him not sticking around. A close ish friend even said how odd it was for ‘someone like him’ to do what he’s done. I can tell people think it all the time. When I claimed cms and he was ignoring their calls an advisor even said ‘I suppose he’s incredibly busy,’ almost in awe of him rather than disgusted that he had to be chased for maintenance. As time as has gone I’ve become really withdrawn, firstly as I don’t know how to explain why he doesn’t see dd and secondly because I feel like there’s this layer of blame placed on me for it.. how could ‘someone like him do that unless I’m a problem.’ The thing is, even being brutally honest with myself, I actually don’t know why he’s no interest in dd. He’s never said and any text or call went unanswered so I stopped months ago. I guess I feel ashamed at my life? Not close friends are great but even with them I’ve felt pity creeping in, not sure if again that’s me projecting. I’m really struggling with all this and find myself telling pizza delivery people, taxi companies etc that ‘me and my partner want to order x’ as I am so embarrassed about my life. I think it makes it worse that I’m in my early thirties so a lot of people are knee deep in newly thriving marriages etc. I’m just so unhappy and constantly feel like people are talking about me in some way.

*my close friends

op, its not you, its him.
pls dont upset yourself and enjoy your baby.
unfortunately there are many man like him who dont have any contact with their children. plz dont blame your self.
also, there are many single parents, not only you and i bet people dont think about your situation all the time. nobody cares.
be proud and happy. being single is much better than being in an unhappy relationship and you growing your baby all by yourself.
dont expect anything from him, cut all contact and have a happy life with your baby.👑

A great job does not make you a nice person or a great parent. Hold you head up and have pride in yourself, you have a beautiful child which you are able to bring up without the help of a selfish man. the shame lies with him not you

Agree with both pp and who the hell cares what others think ?!

Sooner I realised that the sooner I've become happier ( I'm in my 40's shame I didn't realise that sooner )

Concentrate on you and your baby x

I was single for a year between my ex husband and 22 month old baby, met my now husband a year later and in that year being single I can honestly relate to some of what you are saying ( everyone was married and seemed so happy )
9 yrs down the line some of them aren't even together

Honestly grass isn't always greener saying is so true

Put your energy into you and your baby not into what others may or may not be thinking ( wasted energy ) and you can't control that anyway ! X

I've had a similar experience OP, my baby is 9 months, he left when I was 28 weeks pregnant - didn't even tell me, my landlady did!

Only differences are that he came back a week before baby was due (not to live, we still live apart) and we've been trying to work things out until he disappeared for a month after I contacted CMS as he wasn't pulling his financial weight. He's now back in baby's life receiving therapy.

What you're feeling sounds quite normal, I blamed myself a lot for a lot that's happened over the past year but thankfully I have a counsellor through my college (I'm 40, mature student) and a health visitor that has experience with people like him.

The health visitor more than the counsellor actually has picked me up when I've been questioning everything so I'll pass it on. You should be proud, not ashamed. Your baby is going to know you've done this all on your own and they're going to love you for it.

Some of the benefits:

-your routine on your timeline, your way, without trying to slot him in. My God it's easier.

• 1 on 1 time that in years to come you'll miss so much. Make the most of it, I absolutely love it that we have the time and space to bond without him dictating a thing

• choices. Your own choices to do with baby (outside of the ones he can choose with PR whether he's involved or not). How do you want to bring up baby? You get to choose and plan baby's life your way and make sure they're getting the best in the way you see fit.

It takes time to see and feel the positives and time to feel proud not ashamed but I really hope you get there as it's amazing when the penny drops.

You're so lucky to have just you and baby you know, nobody to influence anything negatively.

Sending you big hugs, please keep your head up high, be proud ❤️