4yo aggressive to new sibling, help!

[Februaryschild2023]

We've got a 2 week old, so v early days. But our older DS (4) is being very aggressive towards him. He'll pretend to be giving him a cuddle and then squeeze purposely very hard, or try to pinch his nose or scratch him. It's like he's trying to make the baby cry on purpose.

Obviously, we expected it would be a rocky adjustment time and have really tried to give our eldest lots of one on one attention and praise for positive behaviour.

But it's at the stage where I'm genuinely worried he will hurt the baby, and I'm reluctant to let him near, in case hes aggressive (and it comes out of no where, even when ds1 is seemingly calm).

What's the best way to deal with this both in the short and long term? Short term I know I need to keep baby safe but don't want to alienate my eldest. Longer term, at least the baby will be more robust, but don't want the violence to continue.

Also, has anyone else been through this and did it pass? DS1 is a lovely boy, but can be very erratic and struggles with anger (eg if we tell him off he becomes angry).

Advice or solidarity much appreciated!

1. It’s natural to be jealous. How would you feel if DP brought another woman home to live with you and said’I love you both’?
2. If a child doesn’t feel comfortable to express their jealousy it will warp their personality and affect the rest of their lives.(I’ve seen this happen).
3. I explained to my three year old that if they hurt the baby’s arms or legs they wouldn’t be able to play with them when they were older. The baby did, as you suggest, grow up to be robust. At first I used to have put the older one in a play pen when I breast fed!
4. This will pass. As you suggest, the important thing is to keep the baby safe and give the older child as much attention as you can, even if it means less cuddles for baby.

Thanks that's helpful, agree, I don't want it to become a massive issue. Will just have to keep a very watchful eye for the time being!

Congratulations on your new baby! I remember my 3yo slapping her sister on the head as I tried to feed her. Now two years down the line DD2 is beating up DD1 regularly!

I found a sling to be really useful, kept baby happy and safely out of harm's way and because DD1 couldn't see her that well I think she forgot she was there. Also meant it was easier for me to play or sort anything out.

I'm not sure if this is great parenting but I'd sometimes tell the baby off in front of DD because I felt like I was always saying "no" or "don't do that" to DD and didn't want her to think she was the "bad" one. She was referred to as "silly baby" for about a year because DD1 decided that perfectly normal baby behaviour was silly compared to her big girl abilities!