Parents of shy toddlers-Advice please!

[Bubbles2692]

Hi,

My daughter is 2.5 years old. when we go to the doctors, dentist, gymnastics etc she is completely fine until anyone tries to talk to her. She will squeal and say no or don't like it. Sometimes she just hides and does a shy smile, sometimes it's really squealing. We went to the dentist last week and she wouldn't open her mouth for him and said don't like it and a small squeal when he came near her. I understand the fear in this situation but some times it can be something as little as a checkout assistant saying hello to her. Some days she'll say hello, bye etc and be fine, most days its the squealing. I take her to gymnastics every week, we started 4 weeks ago and the instructor tries to ask her questions or help her on equipment and she'll squeal then and won't let her help. We have made progress as she now realises she gets a stamp or sticker for doing certain things there but its the squealing first before I remind her. She used to hit out if people came near her but that seems to have calmed down. She's the only one at gymnastics that I have seen do this and I don't know how to help. My mum looks after her whilst I work 3 days a week and she takes her to playgroups and soft play. We are always out at the weekend so she does see other people. It's only with adults, she's fine with other kids. I dread having to take her to the doctors as that creates massive upset and she'll never let them look in her ears or anything. I feel like I'm really failing and as bad as it sounds to admit, I do sometimes feel embarrassed by it. Just wondering if anyone else has or has had a shy child and any advise on how to help them?

I was like this as a child and I have a child like this. It's hard but it's just part of who they are. My child will be 4 soon and she's changed gradually. I just keep on taking her to places, let her observe, don't force her to talk and her confidence is growing.
I'm now a very talkative, outgoing person- but I would cry if people looked at me and wet myself out of fear in primary school!
So hang in there with love and encouragement- try not to feel embarrassed, there's nothing to feel embarrassed about, if a grown human gets uppity because your baby who has lived large portion of her life in lockdown won't reply to their hello then really it's on them!

It's a phase one of ours is going thru it now the oldest ones all did and im sure the younger will to and it goes eventually. It's all part of there learning who they want to trust etc dont worry about it

I was like this as a child and so were 2 of my dc. Unfortunately they both have multiple health problems so need to see strangers (both teens now).
So I found reading age appropriate books (or leaflets aimed at children from hospital) about what was going to happen,
Talking about the events that were going to happen,
Show yhem pictures of places your going or of things that need to happen,
Hhe dentist was great saw me with dc in room so could see all was OK, then he'd talk to them, next time get them to open mouth across room and slowly built up to sitting in chair,
Dc2 had a traumatic hospital experience involving syringes so they became his new bath toy to help feel comfortable around them -this was on advice of a psychologist,
Also doing routine things like a regular toddler group so they get used to seeing different people, or a regular cafe and build up to them ordering food.
It won't happen over night but it helped us massively (different things worked for each child). One of my dc has managed to hold down a job for 3 years now and was adamant he couldn't go to uni but he's now applied (will stay at home but still a big step forward) the other dc couldn't speak to a stranger till aged 8 and now can do small communications like order a coffee and cake.

There’s a book on bringing up ‘highly sensitive children’ by Elaine Aron that realy helped me, maybe have a look at that.

(Teacher here, not a parent)
It’s quite common, some children just are quite shy and I don’t think it’s a massive concern but it won’t be long before she starts school which will be a considerable transition for her (prepare her and yourself for that). You’ll probably find that after a term at school she’s much more open.

In the meantime, I’d suggest role playing scenarios for her. So if you know shes going to the dentist, a few days in advance explain to her what the dentist will do and say to her. Help her think about what she could reply. Pretend you’re the dentist and get her to lay back and open her mouth etc, make it into a game. The same with going into a store.

Ask her to interact but start really small. Encourage her to put the items on the conveyor belt a few times, then after a couple of trips ask her to give the money to the cashier, next time ask her to say thank you etc. But don’t stress if she doesn’t, if she refuses simply say okay and carry on and try again next time. Tiny tiny steps will help her grow in confidence over time.

Thank you all for your replies. We do do all the above, we have a book on the dentist, we watched the peppa episode, we role play at home and she has a doctors kit etc. we always talk to her about where we are going. She does put things on the conveyor and sometimes does say thank you to the shop assistant. Will try the getting her to hand my card or money over. I guess just keep doing what we are doing and hope that her confidence grows in these situations as she gets older.

Mine is also 2.5 and like this with new adults. I’ve taken the attitude that we won’t restrict anything we do, but I won’t push her in new situations, just support her until she investigates herself - ie a new toddler class I’ll let her sit on my lap, even if she’s ‘missing ’ it, and by the end of the class she’s happy to start interacting.

She also goes to nursery, was on the quicker side to settle and doesn’t shut up when she’s there - so shy on the surface doesn’t necessarily equate to always hating social situations!

Don't force her to do anything when she is worried.
Go out and about a lot with her and let her see you being very upbeat and positive and chatty with people while out.

See this is the thing, when we go to a toddler class or gymnastics, the park etc (anywhere really) she’ll run off and get stuck in straight away. There’s no clingyness to me. It’s just when an adult tries to speak to her or touch her.

It’s ok. She is only 2.5 years old. Think about that for a minute. She has only had 2.5 years of life experience. Lots of children her age are like that with adults that they don’t know well. If the adult respects her feelings and gives her the time and space to warm up to them in her own time then they will probably have more success at building a rapport with her.

My LO (3)was exactly like that but with both adults and other children. If we were in a restaurant and someone else came in that hadnt been there when we'd got in she'd hide her face or cry. Same at doctors or dentist proper upset.
Its taken a couple of years for her to warm up to the class leaders at some of her weekly classes. I think the turning point was going to nursery. She's still quiet there and doesn't really interact with the other children but she's happy in herself and enjoying it. Your LO will get there with your love and support. Hang in there x

Oh and I also find adults taking an interest in the things she likes such as Peppa Pig etc makes a big difference and will help her warm up. Obviously can't be done in a supermarket but perhaps at the dentist you take a toy with you and that can act as the safety barrier between your LO and the dentist if that makes any sense. Works for my LO.

My DD was like this. I enrolled her for Musical Theatre as soon as she was old enough. She enjoyed it because there was no pressure to be in front of the class and still enjoy each activity. It took her years to get confidence to audition for roles for performances and acting in front of a familiar audience gave her skills for life.
She is still very private and doesn’t like to be put on the spot but is very successful in her job (a lot of presentstions to very senior ppl) and uses what she learned during her years performing "fake it till you make it".
She progressed to learn to sing doing individual lessons up to grade 8. Still took part in musical theatre performances until she finished her A-level.
I highly recommend that route to anyone's child, regardless of their personality as my son is very extrovert and went to the next level and did a diploma in Musical Theatre.

When this happens, how are you reacting?

If you apologise on her behalf and say “oh sorry, she’s shy” because you’re embarrassed, you are reinforcing the behaviour and labelling it.

You are showing there’s something to be commented on. There isn’t.

Role model interactions, don’t tell her how to behave. So don’t go “say goodbye!” Or “go on, it’s okay, talk! She’s friendly!” That’s unhelpful and all she’s saying is you trying to say it’s okay when she feels that it isn’t.

So if another adult tries to speak to her and she doesn’t want to, that’s ok. She doesn’t have to. Just say to the adult “she doesn’t want to talk right now” and you talk, show her it’s okay and normalise your behaviour, don’t make a thing out of hers.