Hi, Sorry this is long winded. Didn't want to drip feed.
We have an 18mth old DD in full time nursery. She has been going since she was 10months old. She started in the baby room and in January moved up to toddlers.
DD has awful tantrums. And ok I get it - toddlers and tantrums go hand in hand but this is where I feel uneasy
- she doesn't tantrum at nursery. I'm told every day that she's always so happy. I've directly asked the question and stated we're having problems at home and it's met with disbelief and 'she's never like that here'.
- the screaming starts from the moment I collect her. I put her in the car and she just screams the whole way home sometimes. Then we get in and she's angry, she throws things, falls to the floor and she screams and screams
- She won't be comforted. She will kick and physically push me away. I give her space but I will say - do you want a hug but she's having none of it. Whatsoever. The only thing that calms her is her dummy and then she will pick up a toy, want to play until a few seconds later and repeat.
- all family members who look after her for any period of time say she is 'as good as gold', but when they pass her back to me she immediately starts. Her Grandparents say it's us - she never cries, and never tantrums unless we are there. DH and I are constantly being met with incredulous almost accusing looks of - well what have you done to her to make her cry like that when she was perfectly happy before you showed up - type of thing.
We are getting it from everyone.
What are we doing wrong? We never yell at her. We have never smacked her. We give her 1-2-1 time. We play with her. We sing and act silly with her. But we aren't pushovers either. If we say no - we stick to it. DH and I have a good marriage. We have a happy home. DD has plenty of toys, she has a solid routine and she goes to sleep at bedtime and is generally a good sleeper. We are older parents and she is our only DC.
DD is worse with me than DH. Like, at pick up she will run to DH but turn her head at me and shake her hands which is her way of saying 'no-no go away'. DH does experience it and the tantrums at home too but DD is definitely worse for me.
Would the HV help? Who can I get advice and help from? I feel like people think I must be hurting my DD or being awful to her because of the way she reacts to me but I'm not. I promise I'm not. DH says im paranoid but I can see it in people's eyes. The way all the other kids run out to their mummy and my DD comes out like she wants to give me the middle finger! She's only 18mths old! I can see the nursery staff think it's odd.
To caveat I do get affection and love from my DD. If she falls down or hurts herself in anyway she does come running to me (well so far anyway) and she does give me huge hugs at times but it feels like I'm living in an alternate universe. If she was the same at nursery or for her Grandparents then I wouldn't be as worried. I'd put it down to a difficult phase but it's not - it's almost 100% strictly reserved for me and at times DH.
I just feel a bit broken from it and can't understand why I can never have the nice day with my daughter that everyone else has.