Would be grateful for some advice. I met my OH few years ago and he had a daughter from another relationship and I had no kids. For a long time it was just us 3 at his but she also had siblings at her moms. All parents get on well so no issues there. We had a really great relationship. Few years in we had a baby together and things were fine with older daughter (who lives with us 50/50 each week) but we noticed that she refused to engage with her brother entirely, I mean like refused to hold him at all or go near him. Thought it was an adjustment thing or just age (she was 12 years old when he was born) but as he became a toddler she still wouldn’t engage with him. It was so hurtful to watch him go up to her repeatedly and try to speak to her or ask for hugs and she’d just ignore him, look away and when we did essentially force her to hold him she’d just hold him out at arms length. We were not leaving him with her for more than a minute or so occasionally (literally to try and get her to just be with him) so we’re not putting childcare on her or anything like that at all, we just want them to have a relationship. Second baby came along when son was 2.5 and same thing continued with both. Now older daughter is 16 and younger siblings 2 and 4. They have absolutely no relationship whatsoever and now also I feel like I have no relationship with older daughter. We don’t talk in the house, most of the time I’m unaware she’s even here which is terrible to be honest and when I try to talk to her, even a basic conversation she just ignores me entirely. I’m not sure where the relationship collapsed along the way but it just feels unfixable. I mostly don’t even attempt to speak to her now as well because I’m worried about saying the wrong thing. For example older daughter will leave dirty laundry everywhere and then tell us at 11 pm that has no clean clothes to wear for next day but the job to stay up late doing the washing and tumble dryer for her will fall on me to do or she will leave mouldy plates and rubbish everywhere and around the house and again my job to clean. 2 and 4 year old also make a huge mess obviously but when the 4 year old does we make him pick it up and help put his rubbish in the bin and help with very small tasks like bringing his plate to the side of the sink in the kitchen when he’s done, he also has to help put his toys away etc but when I ask older daughter to help with her own mess she tells her mom im
harrassing her and her dad also and then it causes arguments between her dad and I. I work full time as well pretty long days and between cleaning up after myself and 4 other people all the time with no help as well as driving her absolutely everywhere because her mom won’t pick her up or drop her off even though they have a car and then feeling like I am absolutely unable to ask her to do anything whatsoever around the house because it will cause an argument I feel absolutely exhausted and depleted of everything. I’m really starting to resent the whole situation which I know I absolutely shouldn’t but I’ve tried taking her out one on one, I’ve tried inviting her along to things, I’ve also tried just stepping back and just giving up on trying to engage at all and I’ve also tried to explain how it would help so much if she was just slightly more aware of the complete and utter constant mental and physical load of the whole house and plus work. Nothing has worked. I don’t know what to do would appreciate some advice as to how to navigate the situation. She’s absolutely fine with her moms kids who are the same age as her dads other kids as-well and she has a great relationship with her dad just not me and her younger brother and sister.