DH Mental Health and second child

[PrettyinPink23]

My husband struggled a lot when our first baby was born. He admitted recently that he was at the lowest point of his life during that time. I think looking back, he maybe had a touch of depression.

He had a lot of pressure in his job, along with a new and baby with silent reflux, colic and a LOT of crying and very little sleep. I also think he had/has quite high (sometimes unrealistic) expectations as a parent.

He feels that I didn’t support him and didn’t listen when he was telling me that he was struggling. I feel absolutely heartbroken that he feels this way, and I’m really struggling to navigate this.

I feel guilty and like I’ve lost his trust. But at the same time, I was also in a very new and different time in my life, becoming a mother for the first time.

He asked for help – by asking me on a several occasions if grandparents could take our baby overnight to allow us to get some sleep/rest/a break, and although I said I would look into it, I didn’t feel comfortable with our baby being away from us at the time, so instead tried to make provisions at home to help him get some more sleep - he slept in the spare room during the week so he could get a full night sleep, and I took care of our baby every night.

I was so wrapped up in motherhood and felt a great sense of possessiveness and responsibility about caring for our child and "doing it right”. I struggled with leaving her for even a short amount of time and didn’t fully trust anyone to look after her. I also felt strongly that it was our job to look after her, and that we just had to suck it up and get on with it.

We have been discussing the possibility of a second child, he has reservations and told me that he can’t forget the above and that I didn’t do anything to help, and this is his primary reason for being reluctant about having a second child. He has expressed concerns about it being the same the second time.

I’m really bad at communicating and bottle up all of my feelings, but I know that I need to deal with this situation promptly.

How can I provide him with assurance that I would support him and be more aware of his needs, whether we have another child or not.

Thanks for any guidance.

I think an impartial third party might be helpful and you’d both benefit from couples counselling. The communication issues between you are separate from whether or not you decide to have another child.

What help did he seek for his depression rather than putting it all on you? It’s not and never has been your job to try and fix him. But as a couple you were clearly in a bad place and learning how to talk to each other better would be useful.

I agree on the counselling, it could really help. It’s one of those difficult situations where neither of you were in the wrong or the right - though I’d add the caveat that it sounds a bit like he might have been expecting you to fix his problems?

He’s communicating and it sounds like he’s being honest. If he struggled that much with a newborn then if you want a second child, it’s time to think about coping strategies for everyone.

Sounds to me like you were aware of his needs - you let him sleep and looked after the baby every night!

What did he do to help himself?

Do you think this is an excuse for not wanting another baby?

How supportive is he now with your dc?

What did I just read?

He's making it your job to manage his depression? Blaming you for what happened last time?

Don't buy it for one second.

It sounds like you were more than supportive. Lots of mothers don't want to leave their babies. He could have gone away himself presumably. what are you, his pacifier?

What did he do to manage his depression? If he didn't see a doctor and explore talking therapy and medication then I have zero sympathy for him.

I have had depression twice and both times I recovered with treatment, without blaming my husband for my disease. In fact, I remembered to thank him for the ways in which he was supportive, including when he helped me get enough sleep.

I agree with PPs, got to counselling and get a third party in the room. He clearly needs to work through some stuff but that doesn't mean you have to be his punching bag.

He didn’t do anything external to help himself, he has not actually said himself that he was depressed, just that he felt really low during that point of his life. I think he thinks that us both getting a break for a day/night would have helped to reduce the overall stress and relentlessness that he was feeling and I guess is feeling resentful towards me for not doing anything about it at the time.

He is extremely supportive with our DC, he is so proud of her, we share the load 50/50 with childcare pick up/drop off’s, share the cooking, he loves having one on one time with her and will regularly take her out to the shops, park, café himself. He works extremely hard in a stressful job to support our family. He’s a really great dad, and she absolutely adores him.

Thank you for your reply, it feels like a weight lifted just posting on here about it and getting some perspective.

He is being honest, and I am glad that he is speaking to me about it now. I think some coping strategies are definitely needed for the future. I think one of the main things for him is that he spoke to me and said he needed a break and feels that I didn't listen or give him the help he was asking for.

In hindsight, maybe getting a small break for one night was one of the few things within our control, and might have helped to reduce the overall stress that he was feeling.

I dont understand why he didn't just go and stay elsewhere for a break for a night a week or whatever. Why should you do something you're uncorrtable with ( aka leaving a baby at a young age, something many parents aren't comfortable with ) because he was feeling stressed?

This.

I think he thinks that us both getting a break for a day/night would have helped to reduce the overall stress and relentlessness that he was feeling and I guess is feeling resentful towards me for not doing anything about it at the time.

But you did do something about it?? You looked after the baby overnight so he could sleep uninterrupted??

What else does he think you should have done?!

Eh? Why was it just your job? What did he do to support you? Why didn't he piss off somewhere else if sleep was that important.

Never wipe the arse of another adult who won't help themselves. Getting rid of the baby for a bit and using you not doing that to beat you around the head with it is out of order. You took over a chunk of it so he could wallow. Wtf more does he want?

Can't believe what I've just read me.

Did he feel he wasn't getting enough of your attention, and that's why he wanted the baby away for a night so you could "both have a break" (ie he could be the centre of your attention...). I know that sounds harsh, but a lot of men struggle with suddenly being demoted in importance when a baby comes along and don't deal with it well

Hi OP.

I feel really sad for you that you're feeling guilt as it sounds to me as if you were quite rightly following your instincts and doing your very best for your baby. You weren't to know your husbands feelings at this time. I suffered with some PND and had a baby similar to yours by the sounds of things so things were very difficult but the last thing I could have coped with was being separated from my baby, and also felt we needed to suck it up.

This may be an unpopular opinion but in this situation I think your DH needs to acknowledge his feelings are less important than yours and your baby's during that newborn phase. He is an adult who isn't in the vulnerable position of having just given birth, nor is he a dependent child. Yes it's a huge life change for him but you did your best to accommodate his struggles by acting largely unsupported by the sounds of things.

I can't help with whether or not to have another baby but if you do decide to I certainly wouldn't be pandering to his feelings - a baby is hard whichever way you look at it. He needs to step up and see that you need support also. Please let go of any misplaced guilt - you haven't done anything wrong and he should be be guilt tripping you.

Tbh I think quite a few parents struggle with the shift in their partner's focus from the couple relationship to being a parent. It sounds like a version of that. I'm trying my very best not to make this all about dads vs mums...

When you've got a tiny one, you are there 24/7 because you have to be. Your partner said he was struggling with the work of parenting and your reaction was to lighten the amount of parenting you expected him to do, but you did that by spending less time with him because something had to give in that situation. I wonder if in fact, he was struggling with not having all your attention spending less time with you and having you prioritise the baby over him.

This is when women find out that tbh, as long as my kids are OK, I'll be fine, so I'll do what it takes to make sure my kids are OK. It's a time of life where it becomes genuinely difficult to deal with relationship bullshit balance the needs of children and partner.

I do admit that it's generally good to look after your relationship. So it's worth finding that balance if you can. I did stick at one child and that was partly because dh became so ill when ds was tiny, tbh we never quite got back to where we had been even though he did love both ds and me. I just couldn't risk another.

All the excuses you make for him just sound like he's done an absolute number on you and that you are being emotionally abused and manipulated

He is your husband not your older displaced child.

What really can't stand men who centre themselves and their needs in a situation where there is a post partum woman and a newborn baby.

This is a time in life where he should be playing a supporting role.

So he wasn't even diagnosed with depression or anything? He just wasn't enjoying himself as much as he would have liked?

I'm sorry OP, he sounds very selfish.

Do you think this is an excuse for not wanting another baby?
Nobody needs an "excuse" not to have a baby. Unless both parties actively want and feel able to cope with having a baby it shouldn't happen.

Sounds like he spat his dummy out because he didn’t have all the attention anymore. Why’s it all your fault?

I was with one of these. He cleared off when Dd was 18 months old and then did the same thing to his next child.

Its his issue not yours.

It is hard sometimes for people to acknowledge that they are depressed or were depressed. But he needs to do that and realise that it affects how he feels about situations. You did what you could and felt comfortable with so he could get sleep.

He needs to realise that no one can "save him" from his feelings and that if he is feeling disconnected and unsupported, that is part of the depression and you were struggling with a new born too.

It sounds like he needs to work on what he could have done differently, and you both need to get better at communicating. Then you can talk about coping strategies as a family. Couples counselling can do all of these things with antoehr person helping you come up with coping strategies too.

He's sounds like a manipulative man child to me. Convenient how absolutely everything is your fault.

I realise that. I was wondering if he was using this an an excuse not to ttc, instead of being honest about his feelings (when they had their baby, he didn't like his wife's attention on the baby, not him, or whatever).

I have to agree with others - it's okay for him to say that he wasn't coping and needed a night away but why can't he respect the fact that you weren't ready to be away from the baby? So he wanted you to do something you felt massively uncomfortable with to help him? When an easier solution would have been for him to a) be grateful that you left him to sleep or even b) take himself off to a hotel or whatever for a night or two as needed.

It sounds to me like whether or not he's able to communicate this, his ACTUAL issue was that you were focused on the baby and not on him. Unfortunately, that's often the case and it's impossible to say if he has a right to be a little upset or not because there are too many variables to take into account.

Rather than you accepting all the blame here, you need to sit down together and work out what both of you could and should do differently and how you will manage it next time. But I'm very uncomfortable with this narrative that YOU were not supportive because you did not do what HE wanted you to do.

I was so wrapped up in motherhood and felt a great sense of possessiveness and responsibility about caring for our child and "doing it right”. I struggled with leaving her for even a short amount of time and didn’t fully trust anyone to look after her. I also felt strongly that it was our job to look after her, and that we just had to suck it up and get on with it.

Sadly it is this mentality that breaks a lot of couples and individuals. There's a reason for the old adage "it takes a village...". Parenting is something to be suffered alone. As someone with very little support, it's important to get help, guidance and mentorship.

Very few people read or learn about parenthood and assume things will come naturally and they'll just know what to do. While this is half true, you dont know what you don't know.

There's often a lot of focus on the toll parenthood takes on the mother, very little discourse on what it can do to the father. I empathise with your DH on this one.