Sneaking food.

[LincsMumof2xx]

My soon to be 14yr old sneaks food and hides all the wrappers. (See photo of what I’ve found today stuffed under his TV cabinet). He’s been doing it for so long now that I’m at my wits end. He is NEVER deprived of food. If he asks he gets. The last 3 days he’s asked for something after his tea and as long as he’s done his jobs he always gets them. But every night when me and his dad are sat down, he’s sneaking food and I don’t know what to do anymore that isn’t stopping buying it or putting a lock on the cupboard. His 7yr old sister doesn’t do it and she will miss out if I have to stop getting treats in.
How can I tackle this?
what do I say to him that I haven’t said a million times before. He just doesn’t listen to us and I don’t know why. Like I said, he doesn’t go without and if he asked most of the time he would get a yes. How do you make a teenager that doesn’t listen you you and who thinks they can do what they want listen.
This stuff isn’t cheap anymore and he’s eating everything that I buy for everyone. It’s really REALLY getting to me now.
Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thankyou.

Teenage boys eat a lot! Is he eating enough of the right foods at meal times? I would stop buying so much snack foods and make extra meal foods, my Ds lived off of pasta from 14 to 16 so I always had some in the fridge. Also toast and cheese was popular, I still bought snack but bought less so when they were gone they were gone.

I'm not sure what I would say to him as if he is anything like my Ds was at that age you'd be better speaking to the dog!

My Ds now at 17 eats normally now although still loves a snack!

There are a few things about 14yo that can raise this. Firstly boy or girl their energy consumption is way off the scale and incredible to us with adult regulation!
So lots of food has to be available. I've learned from here (pp with experience) toast and jam, peanut butter, ramen noodles, fruit has to be always available. So yes you will get through a few extra loaves a week- buy them the cheapest toasties loaves and say "that's yours - have at it!"
Secondly they just don't choose healthy things all the time it's part of them trying to think for themselves and make decisions, that's not your failing that's them learning.
Thirdly control by rewards can lead to disordered eating long term (whereas right now you want this to be short term).
Yes this stuff costs a lot but for crisps - no more name brand get a multi pack of own brand, cheapest aldi choc and sweets and remind them to spend their own money if they want the "good stuff". They get their own cupboard and when it's gone for the week it's gone and yes you can lock up the stuff for the rest of the family. I've learned from MN you can keep the lunch box packs etc in the boot of the car or at the back of the vegetable drawer in fridge or in a covered laundry hamper in your room - somewhere they're too lazy to look.
As I actually had ED from controlling parents and food shortage as a teen and as mum of a hungry teen this is working for me so far - they are healthy weight and not disordered themselves. We talk about it too, what hungry feels like, what boredom or other feelings make you feel empty as opposed to hungry.

I now have a massive tool box and a padlock as was also sick of finding wrappers stuff everywhere. Only have the sweet stuff in it which is only an after dinner treat anyway.

People may say it's controlling etc but tbh I don't care, it works for me and reduces arguments!

Stop buying crap. Limit his money for snacks.

Is that all things that you would regularly buy and have in the house? Could you try buying less of that kind of high calorie low nutrient snacks? And then when they're gone they're gone.

Why is the food after his tea dependent on him doing his jobs? Is he having enough for tea if he is still asking for food later?

I would constantly remind him to put food waste in the bin/recycling and check very frequently that there aren't stashes of rubbish like this. But concentrate on the tidyness/hygiene aspect rather than the actual eating of snacks like this.

This is completely normal, hide the snacks you don’t want him to eat, or show him how to make a quick / cheap snack such as chips in air fryer. My son used to eat us out of house & home in terms of snacks, but looking back it wasn’t a problem, he was just a snacky teenager. In the grand scheme of teenagers it’s very annoying but not worth another argument. X

Could be sensory seeking behaviour. Any ADHD or autism in the family?

Teenage lads eat a lot and you lost me when you said he gets food if he does his chores. Which indicates if he doesn’t, you withhold it.

so food is a battle field in your home now, and that I am afraid is on you. He is still a child. He sees food as something he needs to ask for, to work to earn, to be limited if he doesn’t do as you wish. Which is a real issue. Like a really really big issue.

keeo a box of treats for your other child. The rest of the time he can eat what he wishes when he wishes, when it’s done it done.he can use his pocket money to buy more.

We have fruit, protein bars, Peanut butter, veggie crisps, dips etc all to their disposal. He does eat them when he wants too. Mainly after school when he comes home and has a snack. He bikes 6 miles a day, so I make sure he always gets the calories when he asks for them. He eats at school and has a balanced tea. His jobs are to do his pots, brush his teeth and keep his bedroom tidy. If he’s going to neglect the jobs, then he doesn’t get what he wants. I don’t think we ask a lot of him atm. He’s transitioning, so I try to stay off his back as much as possible because we were all teenagers once and know what it’s like. He has his rules and we ask him just to keep his space clean and look after himself. It shouldn’t be hard for him.
This pile doesn’t reflect my cupboard right now, this is a fair amount of wrappers and some of it we haven’t had in for a while. So it’s just been building up. It’s only because I was sorting his washing out that I saw wrappers poking out, so was amazed when all that followed. I try and stay out of his room. It’s his space and he has it the way he wants it.
He doesn’t always ask for food after his tea. It’s at most twice a week. Obviously he’s not asking and just helping himself instead.

If he’s going to neglect the jobs, then he doesn’t get what he wants

this is very poor parenting to use food in this manner to get your child to do what you wish.

im appalled you can’t see how your behaviour has led to this.

I agree with the air fryer and teaching him how to use it, breaded chicken wraps were a favourite and the Greggs stuff from Iceland, not the healthiest but filled a gap! I got Ds a toastie machine as a joke present for his 13th birthday as he always complained we never ever had a toastie machine and he used it loads, so much that it actually broke last week and bought himself a new one, he's nearly 18 and has a job I was not depriving him!

He’s a teenage boy and his hygiene is utterly disgusting. So one of his rules is he actually brushes his teeth every day. It’s a joke that I have to enforce basic hygiene, but I do. So IF he doesn’t brush his teeth, he doesn’t get treats like this no. I’m not going to let him eat loads of sugary foods if he’s not looking after himself or doing the one thing that is asked of him. That’s not withholding food.
If I stopped him eating his tea because of it, that would be an issue. But this isn’t. It’s basic patenting. You don’t look after your teeth, you don’t get sugary snacks. Simple.
His pocket money depends on him keeping his room tidy, Doing his homework and doing some basic household work, washing pots etc. Of he doesn’t do them, he doesn't get pocket money, which coincidentally he doesn’t. So he hasn’t got pocket money either.

You really should not make food dependent on doing chores, or use "treat" type food as a reward for doing so.

He's quite physically active and a teenager and may well need more food that you think. When you serve meals, is he allowed to serve himself or ask for more, or does he get a portion that you decide and no more?

It is withholding food op, it’s using it as a punishment or treat, it’s not basic parenting, it’s lazy parenting. It’s resulted in the situation you now have.

food should never ever be treated as a stick to beat him with or a reward ro incentivise. Use your words, continual dialogue on hygiene and chores, not using food to control. Because all that happens is the mess you’ve now created

Christ.

I have three teens. They don't sneak food because there's no concept of that really - they don't need to ask permission like they did when they were younger, they just help themselves and when it's gone, it's gone. They're all slim and healthy.

The OP isn't 'witholding food,' she's witholding crap (sugar) if teeth aren't brushed. That is, indeed, basic parenting.

That said, my experience with teen boys mirrors the other comments. Buy a lot of bread, cheese, spreads, fruit etc. Make sure he knows it's available whenever he is hungry. Don't have the sugary crap available at all.

It sounds like he could be neurodivergent, ADHD and ASD both cause problems with executive functioning (which often includes personal hygiene) and can cause sensory seeking behaviour, like snacking when not hungry or without thinking through the consequences. Does he have any social communication difficulties? Or any problems with hyperactivity or inattentiveness? Does he keep track of his stuff? Does he find it difficult to talk about emotions?

Of course eating behaviour like this is not always a sign of neurodivergence, and I know it's popular to point to that on here. But I think the combination of the secret eating and problems with hygiene suggest there could be underlying issues with executive functioning, and possible sensory seeking behaviour as well, so might be worth investigating