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How to deal with toddler?

12 replies

jemimafuddleduck · 21/02/2023 09:41

Hi all

FTM here to DD, just turned 2. She is a very much loved and cared for child and when we have good times it's amazing.

But I would say at least 80-90% of the time is SO hard. Hitting, throwing stuff (food, toys etc), hitting our dog, tantrums when she can't get her own way (usually due to saying no to snacks / not wanting to be in the pushchair / car seat - I do accommodate these things of course but sometimes she can't have a snack because she's just had some and it's almost dinner time, or I need her to be in the pushchair).

I don't let this behaviour pass and am trying to deal with it appropriately - I try not to shout / react, get her to use gentle hands to show she's sorry, remove her from the situation and explain the behaviour is not ok, consequences eg if she throws a toy more than once it's taken away, tv turned off etc.

But it is relentless. Now I know this is terrible twos and hopefully just a phase!!! But I am open to ANY advice! Am I doing it wrong? Should I be doing something differently? Do I just need to ride it out?

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TheBirdintheCave · 21/02/2023 09:44

My son turned two in November and we're just heading into this territory. It is hard but it sounds like you're doing everything you can. Sorry I don't have any other advice, I just wanted to say I empathise as my son headbutted and slapped me yesterday when I told him we had to go home from the park 🙄 Toddlers can be turds a lot of the time. Hang in there!

LaFemmeDamnee · 21/02/2023 09:49

If your child keeps hitting the dog, one day the dog will lose patience and rip your child's face off. Sort this one out right now. Keep them in different rooms at all times.

Skinnermarink · 21/02/2023 10:00

It’s normal but it’s hard, and very wearing. She will push so you have to stay consistent and firm, it’s the only way. Mine is younger but often hits out to get my attention. I think it will improve when he is better able to communicate verbally. he regularly has a buggy tantrum. Often I just burst into a random song to distract him, it often works. Not sure if it’s worse for people’s ears than him having a kick off though to be honest, me manically belting out ‘five little ducks’

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jammmmm · 21/02/2023 10:15

My DD turns 2 in March and it seems like the terrible twos have started already. I also have a 5 month old so I feel like I have to be a little more flexible.

There's certain things I hold the boundary on and other things that I give into.

For example, DD pinches. I don't know why but she'll randomly grab my arm or neck and pinch me. I've taught her 'flat hand'. If she wants to touch me, that's fine, but she has to do it with a flat hand like stroking a cat. If she can't do that then I step away. She'll scream and cry, but that's a boundary I always uphold.

I used to say no to giving her snacks but tbh I can't be bothered with the aggro. I make sure she has a nutritious breakfast (usually eggs or overnight oats with loads of seeds mixed in) to reduce the chance of her asking. But if she asks for a yoghurt I let her have one. If it's a cake or a biscuit she asks for, I give her other options like fruit, hummus, basically other things that I know she likes. If she says no and insists on a cake then I hold that boundary. I'll distract her with toys or something.

A lot of the time when she's acting out I offer her a cuddle. We have a really nice long hug and then we'll sing songs or play with a toy and it seems she's forgotten about what she was crying about.

DD also HATES the pram. If it was just her I'd let her scream as much as she wants until we got to our destination (or let her walk!) but I have my 5 month old next to her who gets startled with DD's screaming. I load up the buggy with lots of snacks (raisins, fruit, crisps) and toys to keep her occupied for however long she's in there. Usually 20 mins max!

CorpusCallosum · 21/02/2023 10:47

Been through this with my now just turned 4yo. There were times when I just couldn't convince myself that it was a phase because she was so horrid, I was worried I was raising an awful, violent person 😢 but now the sweetness & light definitely outweighs the difficult times, meltdowns/tantrums are FAR fewer, she shows remorse when something goes wrong, is regulating her emotions better and behaving in a more socially acceptable way even when they do get the better of her. She is genuinely lovely & kind most of the time.

Keep going with the discipline. Find a way that works for you and you can consistently maintain. I really like Janet Lansbury's approaches which prioritise empathy and enforcing boundaries before you lose it. Good luck and god speed into the toddler years ✊

SamanthaVimes · 21/02/2023 11:10

we’re six months on from you and are in a break from the sort of behaviour you’ve described (I won’t jinx myself and say we’re through it because I’m sure there will be difficult patches in the future as well!)

We found staying calm, consistent and trying to think ahead helped the most (to nip things in the bud before she properly kicks off)

Her language has come on a lot recently and that’s really helped ease some frustration.

We’ve also got a visual timer to help with transitions so she can see how long left until whatever we’re doing next (getting dressed, going out, dinner etc)

Seasonofthewitch83 · 21/02/2023 11:23

Tips that are helping me navigate a two year old:

If you say no, mean it. If you set a boundary, stick to it. Alot of their behaviour is aimed at testing what boundaries there are as it ultimately helps them feel safe. Dont set wobbly ones!

Do you NEED to say no? This was SO helpful.
Why are you saying no? E.g they want the blue plate for dinner. Why are you saying no? You have to let them have some control and as long as there's no risk, say yes once in a while. So much easier!

Deep breaths. Consistency, modelling behaviour.

I would be most concerned about the dog retaliating though!

spidereggs · 21/02/2023 11:31

The only part of that which would worry me is the dog. That needs to be a hard line, and you need an effective solution for that. Separate rooms, baby gate over door, no access to the dog at all.

The rest, normal. My second is like this, have had moderate success with giving her the feeling of complete choice and control.

Two choices, for everything.

Hold hand or buggy?
Shoes or wellies?
Shoes? Ok no puddles.

Blue plate or yellow plate.

So on.

Throwing a big one here just now, try not to react and remove it.

Lots of involvement. I was thinking this earlier, everything takes ten times as long.

So this morning, time to go and do jobs, no, tantrum.

Ok, are you doing chickens or cows?

Chickens great. Here's your bucket. Ok, let's go. Here's the feed, and a tiny cup, half an hour later she's emptied that into the trough with a cup.

Bucket empty, tantrum, ok let's go eggs, throws one. We don't throw eggs, now you have to clean that up, twenty minutes for that.

I could have done all the animals in about half an hour, instead it takes all morning and I sort of just have to make peace with that.

If I had gone for into buggy and watch, she would have created all morning. So with a lot of negotiation, choice and patience we got there eventually.

AreBearsCatholic · 21/02/2023 11:36

In both my kids there was a big change around 2.5 and by 3 they were incredibly cooperative and easy to be around.
Part of it is because they can’t communicate as they would like. They can’t tell you that they are too hot or uncomfortable in the car seat. Anything you can do in that area can help.
Otherwise, pick your battles, get to the park or woods twice a day, don’t expect any good behaviour when tired, hungry or taking away a screen.

skkyelark · 21/02/2023 16:04

Yes to 'toddler's choice'. Apple or banana, red shirt or yellow one, walk to the bathroom or jump, and so on. I have offered the choice of 'put shirt on sitting down or standing up' before - anything to give them an element of control whilst keeping both choices acceptable to you. When you think about it, a toddler's life is micromanaged to an incredible degree.

I also agree with saying yes to the random but harmless stuff (for a while DD1 wore pyjamas shirts during the day and regular shirts at night...), but always holding the boundaries you do choose.

Flittingaboutagain · 16/05/2023 22:43

My toddler absolutely loves their reins backpack but wants to hold their own lead! So I let them wear it as much as possible even when unnecessary so that it's more palatable when I need to clip the lead onto the pram for my youngest. Toddler choice and allowing as much autonomy as safe and practical is good advice.

Flittingaboutagain · 16/05/2023 22:45

They can’t tell you that they are too hot or uncomfortable in the car seat.

^ this is where baby sign really came in handy. Mine can sign too hot/cold, dirty/wet, hurting/hungry/thirsty etc and it's saved lots of frustration I think.

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