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wanting revenge as ive just had enough

26 replies

careerdoom · 19/02/2023 18:27

Just need to get this off my chest. I have a five month old and am doing it alone. My ex dp and I worked in the same area of medicine, he was almost at the top of his career as he’s a few years older, I’m a bit behind but headed the same way. When we found out I was pregnant I was clear I needed to know he was in support (unplanned but had talked about kids in the future after marriage). I asked if he had considered termination etc he said yes at first but absolutely not after consideration. I made it clear I did not want my career to stall more than strictly necessary and that he would need to do his fair share. He was ABUNDANTLY clear that he would do these things and even let me go ahead and purchase a larger property for us (in my name only as we are not married) so we had more room for the baby etc. Despite him having had a huge pay rise with his recent promotion, I’d always been careful with money and therefore funded this move. Out of the blue one day when I was 32 weeks he said he didn’t think he could be a dad and started refusing to talk about the baby. I did not hear from him since 35 weeks when he left the house telling me I was ‘too much’ (presumably referring to the fact I had got very very upset at his comment about being unable to be a dad when I was so far along in pregnancy). Whilst he has refused to communicate with me since, he voluntarily paid the maintenance set out on the calculator online. Whilst this is a decent amount it has still left me utterly in the shit given we had talked about how childcare would he paid for etc and his maintenance won’t even cover that full time if I want to keep my job. I am so fucking angry he gets away with this. I am bitter and I hate that, I’ve always gone out of my way to be positive in life and this betrayal has broken me, not to mention the fact my child now effectively doesn’t have a dad?! Which I will one day have to have the burden of explaining. I feel like my careee will be over, how will I ever achieve what I wanted to now all of it is down to me? I have some family support but not enough or in the same way as was agreed between me and my ex. He is now advancing his career and knows full well I will struggle to do the same. I had a bad week this week as I’ve been unwell and it’s made me feel so angry at the situation, doing all the wake ups etc alone. I also dropped my car keys on the pram on the baby and baby screamed and whilst I know they are fine it’s stuff like this I never envisaged not having the father around to talk about it with. I never ever would have even dated him if I had thought him capable of this. I know this is the wrong thing to do but I just want ALL his colleagues to know what he’s done, I am getting emails about things and seeing his name and praise being given etc and I’m so angry that behind the scenes he’s put me through this. Whilst I have this visibility as we work in the same niche area, we have no mutual colleagues as we worked in different locations. I’m well aware that this sort of ‘revenge’ is pointless, bitter and a stupid thing to do but I’m just having such a low moment and feel totally and utterly walked all over with a bleak future. I also found out that the week I gave birth he had submitted a paper alongside his practice and and been awarded a sum for it… so in the lead up to me having our baby he wasn’t even thinking of us. Friends have said he will be thinking of us now and regretting it but I actually don’t think he will be. I’m exhausted and so angry.

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Lostthetastefordahlias · 19/02/2023 18:39

What a shit. What is wrong with him. Don’t criticise yourself for being bitter, anyone would be - but you sound amazing by yourself, this doesn't have to define you. Hold that revenge in your back pocket, tell yourself you’ll decide what to do about this awful waste of space later, and focus all your energy on looking after yourself and your baby. It’s awful when you are ill when you have a baby and don’t have the support you need. Is there anything that will make you feel better in the short term. More sleep, time to exercise? Do you have anyone you can ask?
You will get back to your career, you sound very accomplished and determined. If it takes a little longer, well you will be a great parent and have a great career, he will never achieve that - he is fundamentally an unsuccessful human being to abandon you both like this however many papers he writes.
When you have more sleep and are ready to go back to work, work out costs and demand his share of the childcare, if he won’t pay it, can you ask his parents or family? Try to get someone he knows to convince him, rather than shaming him in front of his colleagues in a way which might backfire?

Lostthetastefordahlias · 19/02/2023 18:49

I do know how it feels to feel that pressure of going nowhere professionally while you have a young baby. But at the end of the day life is not a race or as simple as that is it. Don’t compare your achievements to his - he will ALWAYS be a failure at life in comparison with you. His shameful behaviour here will come back to haunt him whether you shame him to his colleagues or not.

careerdoom · 19/02/2023 18:59

@Lostthetastefordahlias thanks for replying. I feel totally betrayed and to be honest it feels worse as time has gone on although the shock has lessened. I thought he was a decent person, never considered him capable of this, especially abandoning his child. I have reached out to his parents (has no siblings) and they said they will leave it up to him and do not want to get involved. They are quite elderly and I don’t want to pressure them into seeing the baby or make them feel uncomfortable though I’m gobsmakced they haven’t even tried to meet their granddaughter.

It’s the fact he’s being praised for this extra stuff he’s doing when what he SHOULD be doing is forming a relationship with the daughter he’s never met. It appalls me and as much as I know it won’t help to expose him, and I’m sure his colleagues won’t even care that much anyway, I can’t help but think about doing this more and more purely from a place of anger (which I know is not a good place from which to do anything). I also don’t know how I will tell our child one day that he ‘couldn’t be a dad,’ yet has managed to have a highly professional and well respected career. It makes me feel sick.

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Singleandproud · 19/02/2023 19:01

The first few years are logistically tough and emotionally exhausting, it's hard not having the other parent to share the good and the bad things with. However, those hard times don't last forever, parenting on your own can be much easier because there are just one set of rules. When your child learns new skills, you'll know you were the one that taught them. When they come out of school it's your arms they'll be running into with a huge grin.

Your career will recover, or you'll change your priorities anyway and go down a different path and it'll all be OK in the end, it just may not feel like it right now. Being a single parent is not always easy but it's worth it.

I think all women need to make the decision to continue an unplanned pregnancy (and really any pregnancy) as if they were going to be going it alone. The man may stay around and be a fantastic father, he may not and be an arse or as a dear friend of mine experienced her husband died of a sudden illness a week after their daughter was born in his late 20s.

PretzelBite · 19/02/2023 19:05

Despicable behaviour. I would still be bitter too - 5 months really isn’t that long and you have had your life turned completely upside down. Do you have the funds for counselling or a friend you could see for a coffee and a long rant? Ideally baby free for an hour if you can get someone. In terms of career, yes you will take a backseat for a short amount of time but you sound very driven and focussed so will go from strength to strength I’m sure. Financially as pp has said when you are going back to work bill him accordingly for childcare. This is one of those things that will get much better with time and feel less raw but unforgivable on his part. He will grow to be the bitter one as you and your child thrive.

careerdoom · 19/02/2023 19:12

@PretzelBite thank you. He’s sadly not obliged to pay more than what maintenance is set out so he won’t be paying any more. At the moment it’s 800 and should go up as he’s due a pay rise but full time nursery is 1300 here. I can manage and money is the lesser of the issues but it’s the fact I am now shouldering all this alone. Who the fuck tells a women who openly discussed all
options early in the pregnancy, that they want the baby, then does this? I am SO angry about it and I don’t want to live with anger it’s not fair on our lovely baby and it’s not healthy. I can afford counselling but I don’t feel ready for it, maybe I should try. I still wake up and can’t believe it’s happened.

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Christmaspyjamas · 19/02/2023 19:19

Your career will be strong.

The anger will fade as life fills with joy.

You'll see that your happiness does not depend on his unhappiness.

New relationships will begin.

Your daughter will thrive.

You've had a massive shock and betrayal that have upset all your plans. On top of that the emotional, physical and practical challenges of motherhood.

This right now is hard.

But: the loss to him is greater than the loss to you.

The loss to him is greater than the loss to your daughter.

Pretty soon that will become clear to all.

YellowSubmarineB · 19/02/2023 19:20

Hello, I read that the maintenance payment is separate to childcare. I just about to start figuring this stuff out, so it is likely he will beed to pay half of that too :)

PretzelBite · 19/02/2023 19:22

@careerdoom a narcissistic asshole. I completely understand the overwhelming anger and you have every right to be livid! You’re right, it’s not ok at all and time and time again this happens. My dad left when me and my sisters were tiny, one day just deciding not to be a dad anymore and we never saw him again. It’s insane how they can just opt out like that. Glad finances won’t be an issue for you but sorry you’re struggling with it all. Hope things get better for you soon. You sound like a very strong person. It will all be ok.

YellowSubmarineB · 19/02/2023 19:25

Shouldn’t rush responding here whilst doing bedtime 😅

Lostthetastefordahlias · 19/02/2023 19:30

I don't think it is your burden or responsibility to explain his behaviour to your DD, and I would try not to worry about that while you are in this really demanding baby stage. Do you send him or his parents pictures of DD? It seems so bizarre (and grossly unfair) that he does not want to see her at all. And really strange that his parents are just like “fine whatever he wants” about it.
Completely understand how frustrating it is to see him praised. Is it any comfort to know that no one would be praising him if they knew the full circumstances? You could tell people he has a DD he never sees, that would alter their opinion of him. But I think if you do this in anger it could really backfire into him making out you are unreasonable or whatever.

Warspite · 19/02/2023 19:33

Christmaspyjamas · 19/02/2023 19:19

Your career will be strong.

The anger will fade as life fills with joy.

You'll see that your happiness does not depend on his unhappiness.

New relationships will begin.

Your daughter will thrive.

You've had a massive shock and betrayal that have upset all your plans. On top of that the emotional, physical and practical challenges of motherhood.

This right now is hard.

But: the loss to him is greater than the loss to you.

The loss to him is greater than the loss to your daughter.

Pretty soon that will become clear to all.

This. Don’t waste your energy on anger. Revel in the love of your darling baby. Who knows what his future holds.
You’ll be fine.

XanaduKira · 19/02/2023 19:50

Completely agree with @Christmaspyjamas

He is an absolute turd of a human being and I'm not surprised you're bitter but you're stronger than you realise and whilst it's not fair that you have to do it alone, you will get through this and come out stronger, with a beautiful daughter who adores you.

Velvetween · 19/02/2023 20:17

This is a really really tough stage of parenting, especially when doing it alone. It is hard to see the joy in it all and the sheer exhaustion brings out all the negative…but trust me, one day soon you’ll emerge from it all and you are going to look at your DC and think WOW! And feel things you’ve never felt before. And he is NEVER going to feel that. And no amount of career achievement is ever going to elicit the same feeling. I feel sorry for him. I don’t feel sorry for you. You have your amazing DC. And you’re a smart woman who will get through this.

I completely understand your desire for revenge. But it a feeling only that doesn’t need acted upon. this will pass and you can have a fulfilling future ahead. Different to what you planned but no less fulfilling.

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BeaLola · 19/02/2023 22:21

I am so very sorry - he sounds a complete shit

It must be incredibly hard - you are stronger than you realise.

I know it's a cliche but you have your beautiful DD and I hope that once this rubbish period is over it will get better

careerdoom · 20/02/2023 11:10

Thanks everyone. I feel almost overwhelmed sometimes by the injustice of it and when self pity made an appearance last week when I was unwell, I just felt awful about everything and so angry and hopeless.

I know being bitter and wanting him to
be unhappy is not the answer but I admit if I knew he wasn’t happy I would feel better for a while, just because of what he’s done to me. And that’s not me, im not usually that sort of person at all. I don’t even think the 800 he’s having to pay me even bothers him. I even wish that stung a bit but it probably doesn’t. I want to
enjoy my lovely baby but I am so so hurt and angry about what he has done to me, he quite literally promised me he would be around and how things would work for us both to have our careers. I realise a promise isn’t any guarantee but I absolutely did not see this coming. Aside from anything else I’m absolutely mortified I was ever in a relationship with a man who could pretend his child doesn’t exist. I’m truly embarrassed by it.

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Milkand2sugarsplease · 20/02/2023 12:47

Have you done your application through cms or just made an agreement? Make sure you do it through cms then it's tracked through HMRC and will go up when he gets pay increases.

Aside from that, as hard as it seems now, your career isn't on hold forever and there are ways to manage it. Yes, it can be more tricky, but it's doable and loads of women juggle it.

Along with this, you don't know what will happen in the future, or who you might meet and what that might do you your circumstances.

Don't waste any more time wishing things were different because, well, they're not. You are where you are and it's what you do now that matters. Dwelling on him will only make it harder.

Anyfeckinusername · 20/02/2023 13:26

Of course you feel betrayed - you HAVE been betrayed, I'm livid for you too. I have been in similar circumstances. It is so unjust.

Is he involved at all? Be cautious for some boomerang involvement from him. As you get stronger at parenting, you might be better off without him.

You can ask for more than the calculator - that's a minimum. But I know, it's not just the money - I really do get what you're saying.

But honestly you'll be fine - your anger is valid and warranted and you value yourself and the standards you see for your child which is brilliant - and that will fuel you along.

Feck him, arsehole.

MisschiefMaker · 20/02/2023 13:36

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has been said but I think you're looking at it all wrong.

Yes your career will stall for a couple of years but you're a doctor so it'll bounce back. The hit won't be permanent and you'll end up in the same place regardless of short term disruption. When you're 80 you'll look back and wonder why you were in such a hurry. Nobody thinks that taking a gap year or repeating a school year holds them back in life! Besides, you have a longer life expectancy than the man so longer to make it up if you really want.

Ultimately, you'll end up with the career you want AND a wonderful relationship with the most precious person in the world. He will just have a career. You are the winner here, he is definitely not!

That said, he is a complete jerk so feel free to badmouth him to your colleagues he totally deserves it. Just don't let the situation eat away at you because you are winning at life, not him, and feeling angry and bitter only hurts yourself. Easier said than done of course so do look into counseling to help you through.

careerdoom · 25/02/2023 11:40

I’m feeling so low today. Really hate my life a lot. It’s so lonely.

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Christmaspyjamas · 25/02/2023 11:56

Sorry today is a struggle...you've got a lot of responsibility and weren't expecting to have to manage it all yourself.

Are you able to get out to meet a friend for coffee? Making new mum friends could be a big help but I'm not sure how easy that is where you are.

We're all here to support you.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 25/02/2023 12:30

Is it worth making a Gp appointment or trying to see your health visitor about how you are feeling next week?
Things absolutely will get better. Just try to make today as easy and pleasant as possible. Can any of your family come round to have dd for a bit? is there anything that would make you feel brighter?
DD will become less demanding with time, you will have a balanced life again. Its just a very hard stage. Thinking of you.

Threekindmice · 25/02/2023 12:53

Please have some counselling. This will help. I was in a similar place so really get the anger and frustration. And the exhaustion. It takes time for the rage to pass but really be kind to yourself and get someone to talk to. For me, that was the turning point. You are doing a great job x

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