Help with decisions

[emmalucy27]

Hi
I am here writing this as I would very much appreciate any advice or ideas.
I have a 5 year old daughter who lives with her guardian. This came about when I first became pregnant and suffered very bad mental health problems to point I was hospitalised during my pregnancy. I didn't have a supportive partner and we struggled with workloads and money. When my daughter was born I made the decision of the help that was offered to me so we could keep her within the family. That her paternal aunt be her guardian.
5 years later I am still working my best on bonding with my daughter and building a healthy relationship who I see every fortnight.
I am in a very happy good relationship of two years, my partner has 3 children who we see every fortnight also with my daughter. We are all very much a dysfunctional but loving family. I recently found out I am pregnant again. I feel so much stronger and know who I am now at the age of 33. But if I have this child, I am scared my daughter is going to think I didn't want her etc..
.
I dont know what to do

Is there a reason your daughter cannot return to your care?

It is all still based on my mental state during 2017/ 2018. I am under a contact plan with cafcass at the moment. And they won't even agree to her staying over night with me. Bearing in mind it is now 2023 and I am no longer ill. And have held down a permanent job in care for 3 years since.
I feel I am still and will always be ridiculed for the state I was in. When it wasnt even mine or anyone's fault.
I have no idea where to start in getting my daughter home with me 😪

If you can’t have your daughter back for those reasons are you not going to struggle to keep this one?

Probably at times. But I am no longer alone and have a big support system. I have always had mental health problems. But I don't know why I should solely consider this for the reason not to have anymore children. As many parents have and do go through issues.

Are social services involved in the placement? Does your daughter stay over with you?

If you aren’t allowed your Dc back to live with you, would you even be allowed to keep another DC? Personally I would work on your existing family and your relationship with your existing DC, and not prioritise a new DC.

Many parents do go though mental health issues, but most do not have the authorities involved to the extent that they aren’t allowed to have their DC overnight or living with them. If that’s the case here then I do not think it’s preferable to bring a new DC into the situation. Sorry to be harsh, but there’s children’s lives involved here.

Yes they are involved and no I have been through court twice to apply for more contact. And it is deemed at moment that its in her best interest to not stay with me. For whatever reason they have never explained to me.

If your dd isn't allowed to live with you, I think your going to have a very big battle on your hands to keep this one I'm really sorry the system is shit.

They don’t make those decisions lightly, they really don’t.

I think you need to speak to social services. As if they still don’t deem it safe for your child to stay over night, then it is possible they will not let this one either.

Have you told social services your pregnant? If you haven't you need to tell them asap, the sooner the better as it shows your willing to work with them. Do not hide it or put it off speaking with experience here.

No I havent. As I have a doctors appointment on Thursday. Its quite clear to me now that this is not the best idea. And yes I agree I need to focus on my existing daughter, like I have since she was born and will always.
Its nice to learn how friendly people are on here 😑

I think it is possible that you will be asked to go into a mother a baby unit for a parenting assessment if you have this baby. At the end of the assessment the may say that baby should be adopted. How would you feel if that happened?

Why would they. When I know myself I am a good mum and know that me and my daughter love each other. Despite everything that has gone on. The only thing important to me is keeping my daughter happy and safe. Which is why I made the decision in the first place

Congratulations sounds like you have to have a meeting ASAP with social services though. You should have been told any reasons about limited contact with your daughter. How does your Auntie feel could she be blocking it ? Hopefully you should be ok this time as you have a partner with the baby if you decide to keep them. My friends grandchild was ok seeing her half sibling and knowing that he lived with mum till her mum lost custody again when she split from his dad.

Being friendly is not lying about your situation, and possible outcome if you were to have another child. If you do not have custody of your existing child, then it is reasonable to question the decision to have another. As pp said, it is in your interest to be honest with SS.

Believe me I know where everyone is coming from. Some parents who have never experienced this situation will never understand the guilt you carry. I nearly caved in may times but it is my daughter I have stayed strong for and am there for her and we are happy. I am happy again.
And yes her aunt is stopping the whole situation progressing.

you Will be asked at your booking in appointment if you have other children and whether there has ever been any SS involvement….The midwife will follow policy and likely make a referral to SS so they are aware of your pregnancy…..I’m guessing you will be allocated a Social worker and a pre birth assessment will be completed…..in my area your unborn child would be placed on a child in need plan alongside the pre birth assessment…..on completion of the pre birth assessment, decisions will be made about the future placement of the unborn

If that is the case you need to ask your sw what needs to be in place to progress. It is not just about being happy, there is far more to parenting effectively and being able to sustain it longer term. Does her aunt have misgivngs abut your abilities and mh? Is access supervised!? Is your home set up to accommodate all these children plus your baby?

I do understand that. I am no longer the twenty something year old who didn't know what she was doing. Access is no longer supervised I can take my daughter on days out wherever. I have recently bought a car and we are running a four bedroomed home and juggling both full time jobs aswel. And I love it. It works for us

Well done for you're daughter.
People don't understand mental health problems still. I grew up with a mother who has always had bipolar since i can remember and I basically brought up my younger sister.
But hey ho
I'm still no good for this clearly

😊