Give me your best tips for tantrums

[RoseOudd]

My daughter is 3 and although she's generally well behaved has recently started to get very frustrated and has had more than a few tantrums lately.

Anything I say or do that she doesn't like (e.g. telling her it's time to get ready for bed/get dressed/there's no time for stories..) she cries and tells me "you're not being kind" or "you're making me sad now" or "I'm telling my teachers". I'm not sure why but this is really triggering for me and after a couple of attempts at calming her down I end up walking away as I feel so annoyed.

I'm a single mum so once we're both frustrated there's no one else to calm down the situation/take over and I feel like the atmosphere ends up ruining the whole day. I would love nothing more than to be a fun mum but I feel like at the moment I'm not able to be as everything's such a battle.

Every weekend we do fun activities but they just end up not being fun. Offering a cuddle, making whatever we're doing into a game, taking deep breaths, sitting quietly and waiting for it to pass - NOTHING WORKS!

I've shouted on a few occasions now which isn't ideal and doesn't work either, I'm absolutely at the end of my tether and am really not enjoying parenting at the moment.

Please help!

With my 4 y/o I ignore her. I'll ignore until she's finished having a strop and then when she's calmed down she usually comes over for a cuddle.
I tell her I'm only friends with people who are nice 😬, seems to work.

Wine. For you. Not her obviously.

I found a "ok, I'll be over here when you want a hug" approach worked pretty well. DD1 just seemed to need to get it out of her system and then would calm down pretty quickly!

I did find watching out for triggers helped as well - making sure she's not hungry, thirsty, too tired or too overwhelmed. It's a bit frustrating if you've got an activity planned but I found it far easier to cut things short rather than deal with a huge tantrum.

Ignore. If they get no reaction they give up more quickly.

Here for the advice ☺️

My just turned 2 year old is like a tantrum machine at the moment and I also have no idea what to do about it!

I just ignore and carry on with what I'm doing.

I filmed DS having a tantrum when he was 3-ish. Every time he went to 'go' I showed him it on my phone. Shocked him out of it. Stopped it dead.

Agree with ignore - not always easy to do however.Mine are adults now and I'd just like to add that ignoring worked (sometimes) for teenagers too.

(Stropping/tantruming teenagers I meant to say - I didn't ignore them all the time !)

I ask mine if he’s finished yet.
or I distract with something else. I’ve also learnt to pick my battles.

tantrums can be so exhausting, I make sure I do enough to prevent them but they are inevitable sometimes. The talking through feelings doesn’t work with my son (almost 3) so I tend to ignore or give choices.

I agree with ignoring if she’s safe. Go make a cup of tea - get a book - and let her know you’re here when she’s ready.

Then switch off.

I try to get down on her level and let her know that it’s okay to feel cross/sad etc. I’ll mostly sit with her while she’s having a tantrum and avoid talking too much while she’s ‘in it’ as she’ll be unable to process what I’m saying anyway. Toddlers brains are unable to process lessons or rationalising when they’re in such a heightened state so I sit with her and show I’m there for a cuddle. Once she has calmed down, I will talk through what happened e.g ‘you were really cross when mummy turned off the TV. It’s okay to feel cross. You were really enjoying watching the TV. It’s not time for the TV now. There will be more TV tomorrow.’ I will always offer cuddles and reassure her that I love her whilst remaining strong on whatever boundary is in place.

I prefer not to ignore as I think young children need to be shown that we’re here for them even when they’re struggling with their big feelings. However, there are times when (for my own sanity) I have had to ignore (usually when tantrum is during dinner time and I need to eat!) but I will always offer comfort afterwards. I understand why ignore might be a popular option but tantrums aren’t a ‘naughty’ behaviour to be discouraged. They are a healthy release of big emotions. Boundaries can still be enforced while a child’s feelings are accepted and we ‘show up’ for them when they are having hard times.

The only way to deal with them is to control how you react to them.
Kids tantrum it's what they do. It can either be a minor blip on your day or the thing that pushes you over the edge and leaves you spending the next few hours ashamed of your own reaction.
Just focus on yourself and let the tantrum run its course.

We're similar, bedtime in particular and she can really tantrum. We make sure she's safe, acknowledge the emotion she's feeling and that it's hard, try and stay calm and wait it out. We try and talk about it very soon after, once she's calmed down, and what we'll do differently. We've made a point of talking about other angry characters in books etc, what they're doing to help etc.

She's three so tantrums are part and parcel of that I think. It's bloody hard though.

I am here for the strategies as I have the same problem, especially after dose of the flu and 24/7 cbeebies for a week.

I try to ask for a calm voice, or to do something kindly, ie not snatch from little sister.

I also give a 2 minute heads up and then follow through.

I also try to model calm/kind without being a doormat. As in "sorry love, pants on and in the car".

Honestly I think we will all get there. I'm not sure about this acknowledging every emotion as so far this has just given my guy ammunition to throw back at me. Ie " you made me SAD mammy" to which I can only say, yep that's life bud.

I asked my DM what she did with me (my mum is a force of nature) and she told me "I didn't have time for that nonsense, I was too busy working, I strapped you into your high chair and went and got on my with my jobs outside" 🤣🤣🤣🙈

Not ideal parenting, I'm sure the mumsnetters will agree. But I'm okaaaayyy. Not perfect, but a hale and hearty 30 something who loves her mum. 😄so maybe we overthink some of this stuff!!

A friend who works with children and who has been on numerous courses about dealing with difficult behaviours in little ones told me this ...

As soon as you see that the child is about to kick off, immediately turn your back on them and walk away until they've finished (obviously as long as it's safe to do so). Don't interact with them at all.

I tried it. It works!

Depends where we are but mostly distract and deflect when I see the tantrum beginning. Usually that does the trick, once she's calmed down I correct the behaviour (pretty simply as she's only two so, you need to tell mummy you want a snack etc or it's not kind to hit can you have kind hands, and she often comes and gives me a cuddle, as she gets older it will be a stronger correction if needed). If she's already in the swings of a tantrum I remove her from the situation and take her outside, look at the birds, ask her what she can see and hear. Sometimes she just wants a cuddle so I give that to her. She's just about to turn 2 though so her tantrums are just her being unable to fully communicate and verbalise her thoughts.

With the getting ready bit, my step son used to have proper meltdowns about stuff like this and we found making it a game worked. "Can we race to your room, I bet you can't get dressed in 30 seconds etc." Especially at night because they're tired and grouchy. She's still quite little so is probably finding it hard to communicate why she's angry about something, usually with these irrational toddlers it's that they don't like that sock on that foot or something random 😂

Work on naming emotions when she’s in a good mood. Debriefing after a tantrum helped my kids (‘you were frustrated because XYZ’). You’ll probably feel like a dick but it reeeeally helps them learn how to understand their emotions.

Often if it’s eg ‘I can’t put my shoes on waaah’ then I’ll just say ‘ok, you’re struggling today, I will help you :)’ and then they will in turn learn to help you.

Like a pp said, if DC is being really rotten I sometimes say ‘I don’t help/play with people who are rude/mean to me’. It gives them a phrase in their arsenal for situations at school and gives them power over mean people. Also shows you respect yourself and won’t be spoken to like that. Basically a good example.

Giving them choice sometimes works, so stuff like.... it's time to get ready for bed do you want to wear x pjs or y........ it's time for a bath? Or do you want a shower....... it's time to get in the car, do you want to take x toy or y toy?
We have the problem of him thinking it's hilarious to run away so I have to wait till he's call before giving him options. Doesn't always work though.

Another one I try to do is remind myself that sometime we don't need to do certain stuff at all. So if he doesn't want a bath does he actually need one? If he's having a melt down and not putting his toys away is it worth an argument or can I just put them away later. If he doesn't want to eat something I'll try for a little while and then give up (I only offer toast later on in that case)

Also, don't worry about being a "fun mum". Parents aren't there to be fun, we're there to be parents, and sometimes that means not being fun.

Tantrums can be so triggering, I feel ya. Im of the view that walking away and ignoring is not the best strategy long term. Although I know it needs to be done sometimes as damage limitation, it’s better than shouting what you really feel about them in that moment. But used consistently, I think that teaches children that their big feelings are not acceptable and that they can’t show them to you (which is what you want in the moment I know! But long term we want them to know that getting angry doesn’t mean they are bad and we still love them). This is a shame since parents are the main attachment figure that kids look to for guidance.

When my first child hit 2/3, I assumed she wouldn’t tantrum too much as she was so articulate and good at expressing what she needed etc. But I found that it wasn’t about that, in the moment of a tantrum, they are generally feeling big overwhelming emotions that they don’t know what to do with, maybe scared by them, and they need our help to make sense of that and develop better ways of dealing with their feelings than screaming.

In practice though there’s usually little point in trying to engage much during a tantrum other than a few comments about what you see - ie it makes you so angry when I don’t let you do xyz. I’m here to give you a cuddle when you want one etc. Then do the rational discussion later. Probably the hardest bit is not escalating it by our own emotions. There’s a great vid on YouTube if you google ‘circle of security’ and ‘shark music’ or ‘being with’ which illustrates. Sorry that’s a big post but I have wrestled a lot with this and definitely myself grew up in a house where no negative emotions were acceptable and I had to be a good, happy girl all the time, it’s a lot of work trying to untangle that.

If I know something is likely to cause a tantrum e.g. going up for a bath, I give a choice e.g. "do you want to walk up the stairs or do you want me to carry you?". When getting out of the bath I say "bath time's over, would you like to jump or climb out of the bath?". Avoids a tantrum about 60% of the time. The rest of the time he says no to both options and I end up just having to carry him/lift him out. Such hard work feeling like everything is a discussion though.

I just sit on the floor (obviously only at home) or stand where I am, wait for her to finish, then we take deep breaths together and count to 3. Then we talk.
If she is at school/nursery have a word with her teacher, I told DD's (3.5yo) teacher that she's getting angry a lot and they did a little group session on how to cope with them feelings during their normal group time 😊

It depends! Tantrums are often about transitions and things feeling uncontrollable. Routine, warnings about what's about to happen, options (we're definitely going out, but you can choose red shoes or blue shoes) can help.

Tantrums might be about a sense of injustice, voicing what your child might feel but not be able to express can help with these (you're sad because I said you could have a banana but when we peeled it, it was brown and mushy and you don't like that? You're sad because you like going on the bus but we're walking today etc)

Sometimes kids have just held it in for too long and need to let rip, these can be bedtime tantrums or tiredness tantrums and you just need to think of how they feel safe enough with you to let it out.

Sometimes you can just look at something interesting, start reading a book etc or do something silly like put socks on your head and they snap out of it.

Sometimes it's all too much and leaving them alone for a bit is the best option, checking in regularly. Always be polite and calm if you can - it's hard to maintain fury against someone being nice to you! Think of it as a journey from a to b, they'll reach b (calmness) eventually. Watch your own body language and breathing so you don't get het up and snappy too.

I found anticipating the tantrum and distracting immediately with something silly/inane helped. You need to try and interrupt it before it really begins. Good luck!