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Original poster

Partner sleeping with baby

17 replies

StillTrying10000 · 18/02/2023 20:14

I asked my husband to watch our 7 week old very premature baby today and when I came back he was asleep on the sofa with her asleep on him. He knows how worried I am about SIDS and is very informed about the risks but still choose to do this.
When I took her from him in shock he just kept sleeping and is acting like there isn’t any issue.
What on earth can I do if I can’t even trust my own husband to properly care for my daughter! How do I get through to him? I tried to discuss it but he just shut me down saying “don’t start having a go at me”. How can I make him believe he could really kill his own baby! Help!

OP posts:
Ouchthisstings · 18/02/2023 20:28

Name changed for other reasons (about to start a thread where it seemed sensible, don't want to read and run).

This is pretty awful and I completely understand how shocked and betrayed you must feel. I had PND after our first was born with serious illness (not suggesting this is the same for you) and I had a long list of the things that made me anxious. This would have been absolutely at the top of the reasonable fears list.

I would have lost all trust in my partner if he had responded to putting a vulnerable almost newborn at risk in any way other than shock, a healthy terror at what might have been, and a solid gold commitment to do anything to avoid a repeat. No-one expects perfection, but there is a massive gulf between that and not listening to you on something that matters so much.

Defensiveness is not OK.

northernlola · 18/02/2023 20:34

Honestly if it were me, the baby wouldn't be left with him like that for a long while. Falling asleep on a sofa increases the risk significantly, as you know. He's not even willing to discuss it. Baby would be with me.

Hatscats · 18/02/2023 20:37

I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with him unless it’s for a walk in the buggy or baby wearing.
It’s so dangerous sleeping on a sofa with a baby!!
Have you sent him the SIDS stats for unsafe sleeping?

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

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kernowpicklepie · 18/02/2023 20:41

I would show him some articles online about the risks of SIDS with falling asleep on a sofa with a baby, especially a premature baby.
My DS was born 5 weeks early and I've been told that due to him being prem (even though he was a good weight) I can't co-sleep at all as SIDS risks are higher than with a term baby.
There is a lot of information online, Lullaby Trust is a good source, of the risks.

BrutusMcDogface · 18/02/2023 20:44

I co slept with two of my babies but even I know how bloody dangerous it is to fall asleep on a sofa with a premature newborn!! Jesus Christ. I wouldn’t be leaving her with him but I would also try and educate him on the real risks, as he seems oblivious!

SamanthaVimes · 18/02/2023 20:50

The danger of being on the sofa is suffocation rather than SIDS (which we don’t know the cause of)
Maybe explaining it to him that way might make him understand why you’re worried? SIDS can feel like one of those super rare things but it’s easier to imagine baby slipping down a bit and having their face covered whilst you’re asleep

Sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of having a preemie, I’d be absolutely fuming and really struggle to trust him with baby again if he didn’t acknowledge how dangerous it could be

RedRobyn2021 · 18/02/2023 20:51

I co-sleep with my DD and I would never have done this when she was a baby. The fact your child is premature as well, it's just shocking that he doesn't realise the risk.

Do you think with time he will realise this isn't ok? It seems extreme but I wouldn't be leaving him alone with her

QueefQueen80s · 18/02/2023 20:58

My brothers baby died at 10 days because he did this and 25 years later he is still haunted by it and the internalised pain has given him no end of health problems. He needs to stop!

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/02/2023 21:01

When my son was born, I fell asleep on the sofa with him while utterly delirious due to lack of sleep (that went on for 2.5 years but that's another story). I woke up with a start and found him face down, wedged down the side of the sofa. By some miracle he was alive and just asleep. He's 11 now and it still haunts me. I can't believe I did it and I can't believe how bloody lucky I was that he didn't suffocate. Newborn tiredness is like no other. There are so many tragic stories out there. I'd show him some.

Scrambledchickens · 18/02/2023 21:04

This is the most dangerous place to sleep with any baby particularly a premature one. You have to make him understand this otherwise you can’t leave them alone. Get onto the SiDS website and forward him the data x

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2023 21:07

I would send every story/news article about SIDS that I could find, and I would never leave the baby alone with this idiot again. Does he have form for being such an arsehole? I find it hard to believe that a decent man could be so cavalier.

Scrambledchickens · 18/02/2023 21:08

Lullabytrust website quote a 50% increase in risk for sofa sleeping.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2023 21:09

riseandshine.childrensnational.org/why-its-dangerous-for-babies-to-sleep-on-sofas/#:~:text=They%20found%20that%20of%20more,Moon.

This is just one of many links I found in about five seconds.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/02/2023 21:13

It's the lack of accountability and appropriate horror at his own actions that would kill it for me.
He seems more bothered about not having to apologise for doing something that could have killed your baby.
Weird priorities.

piedbeauty · 18/02/2023 21:25

Wtf? Why are some men so useless??

And all the replies saying 'forward him this/send him that' - he should be doing this for himself.

He should be apologetic and horrified at the risk he took. He should not be defensive and telling you not to have a go. That's what would really worry me.

Good luck, op. Either you are responsible for your baby for ever or you entrust her to a h who has shown her can't be trusted.

Ppeter500 · 20/01/2024 09:39

I know this is an old thread but I could have written this myself. Had baby 3 months ago and had non stop problems with DH falling asleep with baby. I’ll be sterilising the bottles and I come back in and he’s asleep with baby in arms.
so fed up with the constant arguments about it that I’ve decided to be the one to do everything with baby and I just had to do all my night time jobs like bottles etc when she’s asleep.
im missing out on my sleep now but I’d rather that and know she’s safe. Ridiculous honestly. I do know how hard DH works but the risks of sleeping with her trump any sort of empathy I feel for him.

Original poster
StillTrying10000 · 01/02/2024 22:52

@Ppeter500 sorry you’re having the same issues. Those first 4 months are horrendous but they do get easier slowly. By 8 months you can have entire days where baby doesn’t cry once! I hope you manage to get a little rest and DH steps up eventually! xxx

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